A Ventral Tegmental Crisis
by S.carlett V.on U.ttenburg
Summary: The Ventral Tegmental is the spot in your brain that becomes active when you're in love.  This is my take on Olivia's recent irrational behavior and how she may deal with it.
1. Welcome to the world

Laura- Jenne- Sam- this is for you guys. You've been bugg'n me to update. Unfortunately, all I can think about is how I'm not looking forward to "Fight" and how "Paternity" better be F-ing good So this is my way of dealing with bad episodes. If you must burn me- you can. But ah...you know I don't linger in EK too long, so don't use the blow torch!

Welcome to the World

Mount Siani Hosptial

The pain throbbed endlessly between the center of her eyes. It was a migraine that Olivia was familiar with. She feared the mental state that it placed her in. Angry, weak, susceptible to contrary behavior.

Sometime after the work hour and before dinner, time stood still as Olivia held the nearly 7 pound bundle in her arms. And though she'd like to think it was the broken gold wristwatch that held her in limbo, she knew it was something more. Nervously she looked around the hospital room for somebody to step in and take over. Somebody to keep her from thinking terrible, or worse, deliriously euphoric thoughts about this baby and the ties that bound her from ever feeling Elliot's love in return. Yet as hard as she tried to pass the child over to another, the more she was ignored. Doctors and nurses rushed past the two of them in a frenzy to contain the life still barely beating on the hospital bed before them. The staff rushed past and just as one of the nurses stopped to take care of the extra baggage in Olivia's arms the IV connected to Kathy's bed caught hold of the door knob and spilled onto the floor.

"Can you handle him," the nurse yelled.

"No- yes, yes, it's just that …"

The nurse rushed down the hallway leaving Olivia with an unfinished puddle of thoughts. There she stood cradling her down fall, alone and unsupervised in a now quiet room. If there was any moment to loathe the stillness this was it. Olivia wanted to be rid of the situation and the thoughts that came with it. Every dead image of a lifeless baby flashed through her mind as she stood there in the empty hospital wing. She hated herself for even having the thoughts and desperately fought to think of something else.

_Under the pillow. Hand marks on the throat. Blue swollen skin tones. _

"_Stop it, Olivia. Stop it."_

She panicked to control herself and then she felt his light squirm and the sounds of hungry gurgling. Looking down for the first time, her mind buzzed its' way to the silent comatose state that it had recently become accustomed to. She blamed these uncontrollable moods on lack of sleep, but deep down she was certain it was due to years of living a false reality.

The baby's tiny lids fluttered as he slept blissfully in her warmth. She couldn't help but smile and tear up at his soft features and the way he contently nestled to the beat of her anxious heart. His eyes blinked and opened. If this was the cause of her demise then she could do nothing but give in to the already stabbing set of baby blues. She choked back the tears with a gentle laugh and a painful tinge of guilt.

"Hi, there big man. So we finally meet. You put up a good fight."

His forehead wrinkled as he looked up at her through squinted eyes. Eyes that could barely learn to focus let alone cause a scene. He started to fuss and she lightly swayed and hummed. A tear or two rolled from the sides of her cheeks. Her thoughts went out to Kathy lying in a mess of blood and hospital machines. The accident happened so fast. One minute they were driving down the highway towards Queens and the next minute she was filled with anger and flashes of glass and metal. Had it not been for her jealous behavior this might have never happened. Kathy was so good at pushing the right buttons. She had a superb timing for catching Olivia in vulnerable states.

**Flash to the car.**

"Olivia, I know you're only trying to be helpful, but you have to back off. I can handle Elliot when he's not at work."

"I know that," Olivia scoffed with an insulted hint of red in her cheeks. "I just thought that you might need an extra hand with the baby coming and all."

"Come on Olivia, you know it's more than that. I know it's more than that. You've never come to our house before. He's not single anymore. You can't just show up uninvited. I'm having a hard enough time getting him to myself when he is home the last thing I want is to have to share him with you."

The anger boiled under Olivia's skin and she turned quickly into the next lane. "Well Kathy, I'm sorry you feel that way. This will be the last time you see me."

"It's not that I don't want to see you. You just need to learn some boundaries. You've come to our house every night since the accident. He's back at work now. You need to back off some. I like you Olivia; I just think you need to start finding your own family. It's not healthy-"

**Flash back to Olivia in the hospital**

That was the last thing she heard before the squeal of breaks and the crunching sounds that immediately followed.

For the first time since Elliot told her the news, Olivia had no choice but to come to terms with it. It was time to give up. She closed her eyes and sucked back her selfish tears.

"Your mama's gonna be just fine, baby boy. She's gonna be holding you before you know it. She and your dad will have you smiling and laughing. They're the best parents you know. You couldn't have asked for-"

"Where is she? Kathy Stabler!"

Elliot's breathless panicked voice hollered from the nurse's desk. Olivia took her eyes from the baby and poked her head into the hallway. She'd never felt so relieved to see him. "Elliot!"

As she started towards him the nurse behind the desk took him in the opposite direction to where Kathy was being operated on.

The other nurse had finally returned to clean up the IV mess.

"I am so sorry. We are swamped tonight. Oh look at you sweetheart. Here give me the precious thing and you go get yourself cleaned up. "

Olivia handed the baby over to the nurse and looked down at herself. Her chest was covered with blood and tingling from the warm heat still lingering from the baby's tiny body. "Thanks," she replied in a barely audible voice. "How's Kathy looking?"

The nurse fiddled with the baby in an incubator and smiled. "She's going to be fine. They started on the stitches when I left the room."

Olivia nodded and ran her blood-incrusted hand through her hair.

"Honey, you've got a few cuts on your head. You should have that looked at."

"No, I'm fine. Thanks. What about the baby... is he healthy?"

The nurse smiled as she wheeled the cart towards the door. "You did a wonderful job delivering him. I'm going to cook him a little more and he'll perk right up."

"Cook him?"

"Follow me."

They went down to the room of preemie babies and the nurse hooked him up to an incubator. Olivia stood next to the plastic box and watched the baby grunt and wiggle. She didn't want to leave him. It was already her fault that he didn't have a mother to keep him warm, the last thing she wanted to do was make him feel neglected. "Can I stay with him until…"?

"Sure! Let's get you changed and cleaned up first."

A gown was thrown over her clothing and she washed her hands. Kathy's blood ran down the drain. Olivia gasped at the thought of it and held onto the sink with her eyes closed. When the image passed she dried her hands and walked from the bathroom.

"You okay?"

"Huh," Olivia snapped out of her thoughts and shook them away. "Yep."

"You look like you just saw a ghost."

"_Every minute of the day,"_ she thought to herself.

Gently she sat next to the baby and held his little hand. This seemed to comfort him because he stopped fussing immediately. His tiny fingers fascinated her. She took in every detail of his hands and face like he was her own child. Her presence calmed him into a deep sleep and she smiled thinking that she could stay next to this box forever. Before her mind could get too involved Elliot walked into the room. "Liv."

She pulled away from the baby quickly and stood up as if she'd been caught doing something wrong. "El."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm good...I'm okay. Is Kathy…"

"She's on her way to recovery..."

Elliot's voice trailed off as he brushed past her and touched the side of the box. "Can I hold him?"

The nurse nodded and lifted the lid. His tiny body stretched and wiggled. Olivia stepped towards the door in shame as she watched Elliot hold his son for the first time.

"Welcome to the world little man."

This was her cue to take Kathy's advice and back off. In a trance she pulled the plastic gown from her body and walked down the hall rolling it up as she went. She stopped at the trashcan near the end of the hall and glanced at the doorway. She didn't know what she thought was going to be there. Certainly not Elliot. Certainly not family. Certainly not comfort. Welcome to the world Olivia. It's a cold hard lonely place.

AN: Thoughts, smirks, pitch forks, banter...have it at me!


	2. Waves

AN: Hey there lovely ladies. Thanks for the feedback and comments. I know-I know- I'm evil with the lack of EO, but every now and again I have to go with the mood and turn it into something else. Have no fear- I am so over EK! But other than that little note, I have to say that I went a little "Sound" crazy with this chapter. As in there's a lot of special effects that you'll have to just imagine. I blame years of theater on my writing style. Just treat it like a script. It helps, I swear. And you are going to have a few questions after this chapter, but don't go crazy thinking you missed something. You didn't. I will explain it all in the next chapter and I promise to get it out to you all before you forget what's going on.

OK- Enjoy!

Waves

Voices appear and fade in the darkness of Olivia's mind as her thoughts race for a place to stand.

**Flash**

"Something's wrong."

"Her vitals are decreasing."

**Flash**

Each image is like a wave pushing her throbbing head under water. The voices are garbled and shrill.

**Flash**

"Liv, it's Elliot. Where are you?"

**Flas**h

"Check the pelvic wound."

"What's happening?"

**Flash**

Chills take over her body as she wrestles with the panicked dream. "Elliot," she mumbles.

**Flash**

"You left so suddenly. Call me when you get this."

**Flash**

"We're losing her heart rate."

"Where are you taking her?"

**Flash**

"Olivia, I need you to pick up the phone. Please."

**Flash**

"Clear the body…"

"1…2…3…4…"

"one more time."

"Clear!"

"1…2…3…4."

**Flas**h

"…Liv….I need you…Olivia…something is wrong…"

**Click**

**Flash**

**Beeeeeeeeep**

"Call it."

**Beep boop beep boop beep boop**

**Thwhap**

Olivia smacked the alarm clock and lifted her sore head from the wet pillow beneath her. Groaning slightly she touched the swollen wound on the side of her head and jumped at the sight of blood on her hand. The sheets were stained with her blood and she seethed in pain as she moved to get out of bed. "Ouw."

The tape holding her head wound together had been ripped away. The painkillers had clearly worn off. She felt like death. Each step towards morning was like moving on pins and needles with a bad hangover and a crocked neck. As she reached the bathroom she looked at the gash and did her best to clean it with peroxide. A sharp pain at the base of her neck kept all movement slow and cautious. "Fucking whip lash."

Like a stiff robot she turned the shower on and stood next to the tub miserably watching the water escape from the curved faucet.

The snooze button on her alarm clock click on and suddenly the radio could be heard blasting "Rush hour with Eric and Kathy."

"_It's a beautiful morning here in New York City."_

"Oh...my god," she gasped before realizing that it was just the radio. The rash movement shot an excruciating pain to the center of her head and the world began to spin as the sound of Eric's voice chirped in the background.

" _The air is crisp, the sky is bright with an orangish polluted haze, and for once my coffee is hot."_

"Coffee. Why that's a fabulous idea Eric." With her hands wrapped around her neck and her face scrunched from the pain, she shuffled to the kitchen and turned on the pot. The red light on her answering machine blinked in the corner. She stopped and pressed the button with hesitance.

"Where are you?"

It was Casey.

"We're all at the hospital. Kathy had a boy! Elliot Jr.! Yeay! Call me!"

**Beep**

"Liv-"

**Beep**

The mere sound of Elliot's voice made her sick. She stopped the messages, took a deep breath, and carefully headed back to the running shower water with all intentions to forget about her childish evil thoughts. Gloomily she striped her self of clothing. Each article of cotton wear was slowly removed as she started her pathetically predictable morning routine.

Eric's annoying DJ voice grew louder as Olivia stepped into the tub. _"So, Kathy, last night my best friend, Elaine and I are hanging out and she tells me…she tells me that she likes me in a more than just friends way."_

"_Wow, that's huge. Were you surprised?"_

"_Well…YEAH-"_

"Please, he knew," Olivia added dryly as she washed around her achy body.

"_I mean, I guess I knew a little. It wasn't like a disgusted surprise, but I wasn't prepared."_

"Prepared for what? It's not like there's a handbook…Ouch," she winced as the soap tingled the open gash on her head.

"_So the question is do you like her like that?"_

"_No. Well, maybe. You know that's not the point-"_

"No, you see Eric, it is the point. If you like her then just frigg'n say it already!"

Kathy laughed as though she'd heard Olivia's complaints then continued the lame topic with her clueless Early Bird comrade. _"So what did you say to her?"_

"_Well…you know. I didn't really know what to say to her. One would think that saying these kinds of things to a best friend would be easier, but it's much worse. I just nodded and then we kissed and I sent her home." _

"Of course you did, you asshole!"

Every second of the topic was driving Olivia's anger into a fit of violent scrubbing and rinsing.

Kathy replied with typical female repugnance_ "You just let her go home without giving up your thoughts on the matter? And she allowed it to happen? Oh you are so in for it when she gets ahold of herself."_

"_Yeah, well, I tried, but it's…complicated, you know…."_

"Because you let your dick do the talking. Dick!"

"_I feel like I may have acted the wrong way."_

"You think!"

"_I just…I mean- how am I suppose to do this? Do you risk the friendship for the relationship or do you go on pretending there's nothing there? Because I don't think I could remain her friend if we broke up. If I can't risk that, where does that leave us in the end?"_

"You end up with a gash on your head and an empty apartment, Eric! Don't let her go home! Never let her go home!!!! It only leads to you making up for lost time and carting her pregnant husband around so that you can later end up talking to yourself in the shower with a migraine that has seriously... caused…the world to spin…"

Olivia dropped the soap and held onto the side of the wall until the sharp pains between her eyes stopped.

"Ah, god, I need a tylenol or...Damn-it. Why am I upset at him? Nine months. I've had nine months to get over this. What did I think it was going to just go away? Yes…yes I did. Ah, I have to stop doing this. I don't need him. I don't need a family. The whole idea of it scares the shit out of me anyway, so there really should be no reason to be upset by this. And of course his baby would be cute….damn-it all to hell!"

"_Sounds like you have a fear of commitment."_

"Oh shut up, Kathy, what do you know?! Ahhhh Ooohh."

Darting pains grabbed at Olivia's brain. Carefully, she held onto the wet tub and climbed out of the shower. The pain was overwhelming. She knelt to the ground with a hint of dread that she was going to pass out.

"Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out. Mmmm…deep breaths. Let it pass, Olivia…."

Her focus kept blinking in and out and the feeling of faint and vomit came rushing to the pit of her stomach.

"_So tell me my destiny, listeners, are we friends or lovers? Help me New York! I'm not well! Help…Me! Call 555-2626. The lines are open."_

**SCENE**

Benson's apartment building.

The hallway

"Elliot."

"Yeah?"

"Do you have Olivia's keys?"

"What's wrong?"

Lake stood outside of Olivia's door listening from the outside. "Well somebody let me into the building, and I can hear the radio and the shower, but she's not answering."

Elliot moved away from his already shaken family. "Just break the door open."

"I can't do that. What if she's in there and just doesn't want to talk? She could be disrobed."

"What?"

"You know, naked."

"Yeah, I know what you meant. Lake are you a cop or a pussy? Just break the fucking door down."

"I'd feel better if we waited."

"How long have you been knocking?"

"Just a few minutes."

"Fine. Fine! I'll be there."

"No- Elliot- You don't have to-"

Lake looked at the empty phone and sighed.

**SCENE**

Mount Sinai Hospital

Waiting room

Casey, Don, Fin, and Munch sat in the waiting room of the hospital tapping their feet and holding their tired eyes open. Elliot's kids stayed in a room with the baby, and occasionally came down the hall to hug their grandmother and talk to Elliot's siblings, who littered the waiting room with Manhattan's finest.

Elliot rushed past the group of them with his jacket and his keys.

"Elliot?"

"Ma, sit tight, I'll be right back."

"Elliot, whatever it is, I got it," Fin said as he followed him towards the door. "Go back with your family."

"I can't!"

"Elliot, stop," Fin grabbed. "Let me handle Liv. That's my job."

"No offense Fin, but you couldn't handle Olivia if she were unconscious and tied up. Oh, god…I gotta… will you just stay with my family? I have a bad feeling. Please." Elliot got to the door and ran before Fin could think twice about it.

Casey shook her head and began to mumble towards Fin as he slumped back in the chair.

"I can not believe her. What the hell is she thinking? She should have just stayed in Oregon. Stubborn…jealous…this time it's going to back fire on her and unfortunately, it's at Elliot's expense."

"What is your problem, Casey? Don't even start that shit."

"If she were really concerned about Elliot she would have picked up her phone two hours ago when he needed her."

Fin caught a glance from Elliot's brother and he elbowed her in the arm. "Shhh, mind yourself woman. We don't know what's going on. Those two have their own language. You gotta let them deal with it."

"Oh, I know what's going on. It's called insanity. She's gone Virginia Wolf on us." Casey covered her mouth with a Styrofoam coffee cup and pretended to be looking down the hall as she hissed at Fin. "It wouldn't surprise me if she wrecked that car on purpose."

"Now that's enough," Don said before turning his back on Elliot's relatives and giving Casey the evil eye. "Casey, go take your mouth and your fat wallet to the Dunkin Doughnuts and get us some breakfast."

"I..," Casey's eyes darted towards the room full of Stablers and stiffly grabbed her purse. "Yes, sir."

**SCENE**

Benson Apartment Building

The Hallway

"Olivia, open the door."

Elliot pounded on the door several times and the old man who lived next to her peaked his head out. "Is there a problem? It's six thirty in the morning. I need my beauty sleep."

Elliot ignored the old man completely and stuck the key into the door.

"Sir, everything is fine. Just checking up on a friend," Lake smiled.

"You cops?"

Elliot pushed the door open leaving Lake to deal with the nosey neighbor.

"Liv! Olivia!"

The coffee pot was brewing a thick warm aroma, but all Elliot could sense was fear.

"Olivia…"

He raced to the bedroom where the radio could be heard at a loud volume.

"_What's this feeling?__You're all that I have and you're all that I need _

_Each and every day I pray to get to know your peace _

_Wanna be close to you, yes I'm so hungry _

_You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty _

_Without you there's no me _

_You're the air that I breathe _

_Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see"_

The bathroom door was wide open and the shower was running. When he rounded the corner her body lay wet and limp on the purple fuzzy bathroom rug. Blood from the back of her head puddled onto the tile next to her pale cheek. This image was the last thing that Elliot could handle after the morning he'd just gone through. Tears masked his eyes from the horrendous vision before him.

He fell to his knees and placed his fumbling fingers over the slowly beating pulse coming from her neck. "Chester!"

He was so out of it from the series of events that had taken place earlier that he could do nothing but stand over her in shock. "Liv…"

His hands wiped at the tears and awkwardly touched her wet skin in lost confusion. He didn't even have the wits about him to think about her lack of clothing. He delicately rolled her over into his arms. She was burning with fever and pale from the pain. "Liv…don't leave me. Olivia, please, god, please. Wake up."

As he cradled her neck with one arm his other hand reached up to her face and brushed the hair from her eyes. "Olivia, look at me."

"_What's this feeling?__Like a King without his Crown _

_You keep fallin' down _

_You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown _

_You('re) try(in') to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground. What's this feeling?"_

"Elliot what's wro-"

Lake stopped at the sight of Elliot holding Olivia's unconscious body.

"Elliot- Jesus…." Lake turned around and grabbed Olivia's comforter. As he threw it over her, Elliot wrapped her up and carried her towards the living room.

"Should I call a bus?"

"Too late for that," Elliot yelled as he rushed towards the hallway.

"Elliot, wait! Let me drive at least. You're not in the right frame of-"

Lake stopped when the front door slammed shut. In a frenzy he ran back to turn off the bath water.

The Eric and Kathy show continued as usual_ "What is this feeling, New York? That was Matisyahu's 'King Without a Crown'. But really, what is this feeling ladies and gentlemen? That's what I'm screaming_," Eric mocked from the radio._ "I think this whole love thing is being over analyzed. It's time to go back to square one and just do what feels right. Am I right? I'm seeing things with my mind, but my eyes are closed."_

**Click**

Lake turned off the radio and ran for the door, while yelling into his portable. "I need the medics ready. We're bringing in an unconscious officer. Female forty years old. Appears to have a head wound."

AN: I promise it gets lighter. Just give me one more chapter. Drop me your thoughts.


	3. Reverse

AN: I'm getting a little Heros on you guys. NO- nothing drastic- just going back in time.

BTW- whoever Savethecheerleader is- YOU ROCK! I love that show! It's slowly becoming my number one show. I'm trying really hard to keep SVU at number one, but they keep giving me reasons not to. Damn them!

**Reverse**

**Two weeks ago...**

"Are you still here?"

The office was pretty much empty. Casey made her way towards Olivia's desk and took a seat in Elliot's chair.

"Yeah," Olivia answered as she wiped her forehead with the back of her hand.

"It's eight o'clock. I thought you'd be home by now."

"Can't," she mumbled.

She continued to type and sift through the stack of paper work on her desk as Casey watched her skeptically. She caught a glimpse of a file and reached for it.

"Is that the Lipman Case?"

Olivia pulled the papers away and caught Casey's glare for the first time. Her hand slyly closed the manila folder as she held back her intentions.

"It's unfinished paperwork."

"Elliot's unfinished paperwork. Why are you doing Elliot's paperwork?"

With a deep sigh Olivia turned her gaze away from Casey's by focusing on the files in front of her. Without hesitation she tried to make her efforts seem professionally necessary. " Casey if I don't get this finished now, while we have some down time, I'll end up doing it at one AM, in between interrogations and Elliot's slow typing."

Casey blinked doubtfully. "Hm. Okay…"

She didn't want to push the subject, but she'd watched this charade for far too long. "Liv, what's going on?"

Olivia paused and forced a smile to hide her thoughts.

"Nothing, I'm just trying to stay organized."

"No really, what's going on with you? Your need to nurse this situation is…becoming obsessive."

"I'm not nursing a situation. My partner was injured," Olivia blinked away before standing up and heading to the filing cabinet.

"Olivia, since when do you fall victim to denial? You have to stop doing this to yourself."

"Since when did you become my therapist?"

Casey ignored the stabs and grabbed Olivia's arm in an attempt to make her listen. "When's the last time you went out and had fun?"

"That's none of your business."

"No, answer the question," Casey forced. "When was the last time you did something outside of this office?"

"What am I on trial? Thanks for the concern, Case, but what I do after hours-- is my own business."

Olivia's face was red with humiliated anger. She grabbed a stack of files and began smashing them into her briefcase.

"Why can't you answer the question," Casey pushed. "And it is my business. You're my friend."

"Just stop, please."

Olivia's migraine was starting to pulse behind her eyes again. She leaned on the desk and weakly turned to Casey. "I go out, I choose not to date, and I enjoy my single life. Are you happy, now?"

"I don't know. Are _you_ happy?"

Olivia shook her head out of aggravation as she continued to avoid Casey's eyes by straightening up her desk. "Don't you think this is a little pot calling the kettle black. I don't question your empty schedule."

"Well, maybe you should. Olivia, I've known you too long to allow you to be this way. You need to start taking care of yourself. Come out to the bar for a drink every now and again. Go on a date. See a show. Laugh. You used to do these things. You used be able to walk into a room and brighten it by ten shades. You used to… play by the rules. You used to care about your friend's concerns. What's changed?"

"I still do those things. I still care. I do care what you think. I'm just…tired of putting everybody before me. And just because I've been working some overtime doesn't mean that I don't go out. I go out every week with the guys after work. Why aren't you there?"

"The guys? Don't you mean Elliot. The only time I've ever seen you_ out_ after work, is to get a drink with Elliot. Or recently to take groceries to his house."

"He's sick and his wife is eight months pregnant!"

"He has four grown children!"

Olivia closed her eyes to push the conversation away. Casey placed a hand on her shoulder and attempted to be neutering. Of course, this was never Casey's strong suit. Olivia was much better at it than she ever was. Softly she spoke the words that Olivia needed to hear. "Liv...Elliot loves his wife."

Olivia's lip held back its' tremble as she swallowed the hurt. "Of course, he does," She whispered, brushing Casey away.

The redness bled into her eyes like numb pain.

"He's not going to change. He loves her. He loves his family. He's having a baby with her. He sleeps next to her every night."

"Casey, Stop! STOP IT! I know that! I KNOW! Yes…he's with her. I get it! But you don't know him. He's confused. Elliot loves me, too, and I need to be there for him. He would do it for me," she bitterly sniffed.

Casey wrapped her arm around Olivia's neck and held her tightly. "Liv, don't do this to yourself. Yes, he does love you, but it's not the same."

With an awkward motherly touch, Casey pulled away and wiped a tear from Olivia's cheek. "Please don't ruin your life. You deserve so much more."

That was the hardest thing Casey has ever had to say to Olivia's face. She considered both Elliot and Olivia two of her closest friends. Watching them conform into a comfortable pair of old shoes that were destined to be trashed was the worst part of her day. She knew that if they'd met under different circumstances they would have made it, but the reality of it all is…they didn't. Her heart ached for Olivia the most. Seeing her slowly turn into a hardened soul was more depressing than any gruesome unfair crime she'd ever counseled.

Just as she thought Olivia was starting to let out her pain, she pushed her away again.

"Liv, I know how you feel because I watched it happen. You two had a chance and it didn't work out. You gave him a choice. He's obviosuly made it."

Instantly, the mood changed. An impatient angry rage filled Olivia's body and she growled through the tears pouring down her face.

"I never made him choose anything. I gave him his space, so that he could find himself, and instead of finding himself he foolishly ran to the next caregiver. This is stupid. Why am I having this conversation with you. You don't know the half of it. And here I am taking advice from you? Your definition of love has always been warped. You don't understand. You don't know what Elliot and I talk about. You don't know what we've been through. And she doesn't know either! And she never will, because she's too closed minded to let him share the other side of himself with her. He isn't sleeping next to her because he chose her. She forced him to choose her. Who the hell has a birth control malfunction at the age of forty? He's not with her because of love…- he's with her because of their MISTAKES! And the only thing that is 'WRONG' with this 'situation' is the poor child having to be stuck in the middle of it all and me for trusting him to believe in my...well, in me. He never believed in me."

"I think you…"

"Oh shut up, okay! I don't want you to EVER, bring this up again. You understand me? EVER!"

Casey saw the broken women exploding before her, but could do nothing. Olivia grabbed her things in a hostile state before Casey could prod her any further.

"Liv!"

"Leave me alone, CASEY! I can fight my own battles!"

**SCENE**

**One week ago….**

"Whatcha' doing," Kathy smiled from the couch.

Elliot clicked his phone shut and sat in his recliner. "Ah, nothing. I was just calling Liv to see what I missed today."

"Hrm," Kathy snipped. "I'm sure you didn't miss much, or she would have stopped by to tell us about it."

Elliot was staring out the window. Luckily the glare on his glasses hid the vacant expression on his face. "Yeah…she's probably out on a case."

"Probably," Kathy mumbled in annoyance. "Sweetheart, why don't you come over here and cuddle me."

"Hm?" Elliot shook off his thoughts and looked at Kathy sprawled out on the couch with her bare feet and her round tummy.

He pulled the glasses from his face and lazily moved over to the couch. Kathy sat with her arms out. Elliot's eyes took in her face to reveal an almost clear vision of neediness.

She grabbed his hand and played with the fingers that rested on his tummy. "I'm gonna be sad when you go back to work tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"You know, what I think?"

"What's that," Elliot answered as he flipped on the portable cop radio that was sitting on the coffee table.

"_Dispatch. We're clear. False alarm."_

"I think this accident was a blessing."

He stopped and furrowed his eyebrows at her. "That's a pretty twisted blessing sweetheart."

"Think about it," she smiled. "We haven't spent this much time together since high school.

Lake's voice came in on the radio. _"We're heading in. Suspect is clean."_

"Hmm, wonder if that's the Odhami case?"

"I just think that we need to do this more often," Kathy smiled, ignorant to the fact that Elliot was in his own world. "You know, spend time together, sitting on the couch, being lazy, cuddling, watching television. It's so nice, isn't it?"

"Honey, we're having a baby. Consider this the calm before the storm."

Kathy's comfortable smile turned weepy and she pushed Elliot's hand away. "Well, we could try to do this every now and again. You could at least stay positive about it."

"I am positive about it."

" _I need a bus. 656 Washington Ave. Upper west side. We got an overdose."_ Fin's voice buzzed.

"Upper West side? That's gotta be the Odhami case."

"Elliot, can't you just put that thing down. They don't need you to help them figure it out," Kathy snapped.

"No, it's not about that. Lake has been doing this case behind…" Elliot trailed off when he looked over at Kathy, who was not amused. "Never mind. You're right."

"What? Tell me. If that's what you want to talk about, we can talk about it."

"Well last night I helped Lake with his case. He's kind of going behind the Captains back. But he had a good point. And he was going with his gut, so we watched the tape again and I saw ….You're upset. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kathy sighed as she pushed herself off of the couch.

"Kathy, don't start that. What did I say?"

"You went to the office last night? You said you were going to pick up Dickie from his friend's house."

"I did."

"You did! I guess failing to mention you were going in to be with your other family wasn't important."

Elliot grabbed Kathy's arm and pulled her into his chest. "Kathy, come on. I only stayed for an hour."

"You told me you were having a beer with Ronald's father. You lied to me."

"I...I didn't want to upset you. I'm restless here. I had to go in and do some of my paperwork. Liv's been doing all of my work. She needed a break."

"Oh, I see, you went in to see her!"

"And here it comes. You have to stop insinuating things. This is exactly why I didn't tell you, but now that it's out. YES, I stopped by the precinct to get caught up on some of my work."

Kathy pushed him away. "For Olivia!"

"She wasn't even there!"

"It doesn't matter that she wasn't there. You did it for her!"

"Why are you so angry with her? She's done nothing but help us."

Kathy stopped on the stairs and glared at Elliot. "You're so blind. Even if I am...making assumptions, maybe I don't want her help. Maybe she needs to get her own husband. She's everywhere. She's at your job. She's on the phone. In our conversations. She's stopping by our house every other day. And NOW- she's even part of our fights! Don't you find that to be a little irritating? And odd. Why does she need to stop by all of the time? Don't you think that's weird?"

"No," he said with a creased brow. "That's what brothers in blue do for each other. We help each other out when the other is in need. It's part of the relationship."

Kathy's eye froze with angry tears. "Yeah…that's exactly what it is too. A relationship. The only relationship you should be having with a beautiful woman is this one right here in front of your face!"

Elliot threw his hands in the air. "Partnership. Relationship. You knew what I meant. You can't compare apples to oranges. Kathy, this relationship is what's important to me, but Olivia has saved my life one too many times for me to not place her as a significant role in my life. You of all people should be grateful for that. Come on, Kath, I don't want to fight, you know I think you're beautiful, too."

Kathy didn't have to reply to that last thought. Elliot already knew he'd said the wrong thing. "That's not what I meant. Honey you are more beautiful then any woman I could ever handle."

And then he dug himself further in the hole. "I mean…"

Frustrated by his failure to communicate, he touched her hand as she clutched the bottom of the railing. "Go to hell, Elliot. Take you 'partnership' and your portable radio and go to hell!"

"Kathy, that's not what I meant! It came out all wrong!"

"No, you said it pretty clearly. Why don't you go sleep with your Brother's in Blue tonight?! I'm sick of putting up with your shit!"

"OH, you know what, you don't get it, and you never have, so let's just drop it. I'll tell her to back off, okay."

Sarcastically she threw a zinger right back at him. "Oh that's so sweet of you honey. Yeah, go tell her I said she wasn't welcome here any more. Way to make me the bitchy wife!"

Kathy stomped up the stairs as Elliot yelled at her from the bottom. "I didn't mean it like that and you know it!"

"You implied it, you jerk!"

She slammed the door and all was quiet. Elliot couldn't deal with any of it right now. He made his way to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a drink, when the doorbell rang.

**Ding Dong.**

Behind the door stood Don Sheffield, a guy from their church. "Hi, Elliot. Sorry, I know it's late."

Elliot smiled with a hint of confusion and annoyance. "It's fine. Come on in."

He closed the door behind Don and waved for him to take a seat. "No thanks, I actually need to speak to Kathy. Is she around?"

The door from upstairs opened as if it were on cue. "Don?"

Her voice was heard from the top of the stairs.

"Yeah, Kath, sorry 'bout the late hour…"

She walked down the steps smiling at Don and giving Elliot the evil eye. "Don, it's fine. Come to the kitchen with me. We'll talk."

Elliot started to follow them when Kathy stopped him. "Elliot, I just had the urge for ice cream. Can you go get me some?"

His mouth dropped in anger, but she just smiled and rubbed her belly. "Please."

Before leaving the room he made sure to give both of them the look of death. Don was really good at pulling off the bible study excuse, but Elliot wasn't born yesterday, he knew the relationship had been more then Matthew, Mark, and Paul.

He walked past his car and stood next to the kitchen window. He could hear Don making the moves.

"You look beautiful."

"Oh, thank you," Kathy blushed. "I wish my husband could remember that."

Elliot rolled his eyes with disgust.

"So why are you here," she asked.

Don paused. The quiet made Elliot nervous so he peaked into the window. They weren't even close enough to touch.

"Kath,-"

He hated that he called her Kath.

"Kath, I just…I miss you. And I …how are you? "

"I'm fine. I miss you too sometimes. We should hang out. "

"No, I mean, I miss you, miss you.…Are you sure that this is the right thing for you? I mean, you don't even know that it's his."

"It's his, Don."

Elliot was stunned at the things he was hearing. His ego was suddenly crushed from the mere thought of paternity.

"Don, what we had was really really nice. I mean, nothing like…well it was a bit of a dream. I just…Elliot and I have history. I can't ignore that. He's the father of my children."

"That's what you say."

"Don, it's over."

"How can you say that?"

"It's over."

Don reached out to touch Kathy. To remind her what they had. She pulled away in fear. "Don't do this. Go home, Don. Forget about us."

"I can't."

He reached for her again and Elliot jumped from his post in anger. He marched around the house and towards the door, but just as he was about to burst in and punch Don out the doorknob turned and Don rushed past him. Elliot stood on the porch in awkward silence.

"I forgot my glasses," he said to Kathy in a quiet tone. He didn't know what to do really. He was repulsed, worried, speechless, torn. You name it and he felt it. He felt it like an open wound.

Kathy nodded and backed away from the door. She didn't even care that he may have heard. She turned her back on him and waddled back up the steps.

Elliot stood in the middle of the living room unsure about what he should do. He locked the front door and took in his house like it was a strange place. Not one to give up, he took a deep breath and headed towards the bedroom.

All night he lay next to Kathy hoping she would say something. He was stunned by her actions and her dishonesty, but he couldn't let her go. He'd just gotten used to the fact that this was where he was supposed to be and now it was falling apart all over again. He tried to pray, but even that felt wrong. It felt wrong to pray for something so sour.

The one thing that did keep coming to his mind, to his peace of mind, was Olivia. He wanted desperately to talk to her. She would know what to do. She always knew what to do. Kathy remained jealous of Olivia, but without her, Elliot was sure that his marriage would have diminished long before he could have given it a second chance. Olivia was the reason he hadn't given up. She'd been the one who talked him into thinking clearly. She was the reason why he could look back at the dark times and still be at peace with himself. Her belief in him was what made him the man he was today. When the world seemed all wrong, Olivia was always there, giving herself, lending herself, caring for everybody, but herself. Why did she do that, he thought. Why would she do that?

AN: AH- god this chapter was frigg'n rough for me to write. Too many emotions and too many sad feelings about EO. We gotta keep our fingers crossed people. Clap our hands and say over and over again "I believe! I believe!" Thanks for the feedback. I didn't get to reply to everybody. I always try to do that and I feel bad that I didn't get to everybody. You all rock. Now drop me your EO happy thoughts and I might be able to get to the happy sucky puss kissy poo part of this story.


	4. Jumping the Shark

AN: Sigh...It's been a long 48 hours my friends. I feel like I just got dumped. But not dumped by somebody I'm still in love with or by somebody I hate (Which really means love). Like dumped by a guy who I've decided to remain friends with. Like the break up needed to happen but the relationship would still go on in a new form. I never thought I could be ok with this, but it almost feels good. Bittersweet. I think I like that they may not ever kiss...tear. Okay, who the hell am I fooling. I'm still crying about it.

So anyway, I wrote this chapter before "the hug", and I'm having a hard time posting it, because I almost want to change it. But I want EO to be the right time and the right place, so I can't bring myself to delete it. SO here it is. It's the longest chapter ever, because I just couldn't figure out how to make it two chapters. And well...my brain has been on over drive for like seven days. Focusing is not an easy task at the moment. But if anything hurts right now, it's definitely the spot in my ventral tegmental that I have or had for EO. Somebody pop me an advil.

It's a black day for EO shippers everywhere. Chin up, time heals everything.

Jumping the Shark

"Elliot, hold up, I got it."

Lake ran for the mini van that Elliot was racing towards.

"Keys," Lake yelled as he slapped the door with the palm of his hand.

"My right pocket…," Elliot gasped. His voice was muffled by the frenzy and the sore throat he'd obtained from lack of sleep and large amounts of stress.

The cool November air hit Olivia's face and her eyes blinked open. She made several confused sounds as Elliot's heart pounded beneath her shivering body.

"Liv," he blurted. "Can you hear me?"

"mm….hu…my head…"

"Stay still, I got yeah," he said trying to keep her neck as braced as possible.

Lake pulled open the back sliding door and quickly pushed the seat into the floor. The two men carefully lifted and laid Olivia in the empty space. Had she been more than slightly aware, her independence would have died of humiliation.

The blanket fell open creating a chill that ran up her damp body.

She grabbed at the cloth and froze in pain from the movement.

"Ah…"

"I got it. I got it," Elliot said as he pushed Chester out of the way and fixed the blanket.

"Where…..what's….," she mumbled.

"Keep still. Relax."

After they got her in the van Elliot noticed the blood on his jacket. He ripped it off and quickly unbuttoned his shirt. The goose bumps raised on his bare arms as the wind blew the white cotton T-shirt to his body and he jumped into the back rolling the blue work shirt into a ball. Olivia turned her neck to the side and groaned from the pain. He could see her shaking.

" Lake, turn up the heat."

"On it," he said from the driver's seat as he revved the engine. "You got her?"

"Hang on."

Carefully he maneuvered himself around Olivia and placed his shirt over the gash on her head. "Okay go."

"Why didn't you get this checked," he whispered half to himself and half to her.

She was so out of it that she couldn't answer him even if she wanted to. The pain was deep. For a brief second she wished she were still unconscious.

Elliot tightened the blanket around her shaking body and held himself over her chest to keep in the warmth. He then placed his hands next to her ears and held her head as still as he could. Her face scrunched up in pain. She took in a few shallow breaths of air and tried to keep herself calm.

"Relax," he breathed. "Tell me what hurts?"

She could see the panic in his eyes. He was trying hard to be her tranquil support, but she was an expert at smelling his fear.

"It wasn't. …bad…it wasn't," she muttered through her heavy eyelids.

"What wasn't bad? Olivia, eyes on me."

"My head…it was fine last night. I'm just dehydra- AHhh…."

Again she winced and the color drained from her face.

"Liv, don't close your eyes. Breathe through it. Eyes on me."

The darkness came and went as her eyes towards a dream. The image of his face faded with each wave of pain.

"Look at me Liv."

She couldn't. "I just need stitches…it's fine."

"Stitches or not you've got a concussion. Eyes up here. Look right up at me," he coached. His thumb rubbed the side of her cheek. "Stay with me, Liv."

She blinked to see him and wished she could think of anything other than the pain shooting down her neck. Each bump of the road was like a jackhammer to her head.

Her moans were dragging. Elliot lightly rubbed the side of her head with his free hand. Her wet hair twisted around his fingers. "Don't think about the pain. We're almost there. Lake you wanna step on it?"

Chester beeped the horn and swerved around the traffic.

"Ow," she gasped.

Elliot held onto to her and balanced the movement, all the while never taking his eyes from hers'.

"Don't stop looking at me."

She held on to him with her eyes.

"That's it. Take a deep breath. Let it go. Talk to me. Tell me about something. Tell me about your last vacation."

She squinted in confusion.

"Okay tell me about you next one."

"Elliot….no…"

"Tell me about Oregon."

"mmmmm," she twisted and moaned.

"Okay…okay, your right, bad topic. Your nephew. Mikey. Tell me about Mikey."

She hated that she was being placed in the victim's seat. He'd have never asked about Mikey if they were having an everyday conversation. "He likes CHiPs."

Elliot smiled. "That's my girl. Teach'em young. What's my favorite episode of 'CHiPs'? "

She held his eyes and took in slow staccato breaths.

"Head over heals," she weakly replied.

He nodded with a hint of light in his eyes. "Why?"

"Sallee….Young," she blinked, holding back a smile.

"First brunette I've ever crushed on."

She gave him a look that made his uncouth thoughts stir with pride.

"Don't look at me like that. You're the one who thought Mel Gibson was hot in Lethal Weapon."

"His ass. His ass was hot."

"Right," Elliot laughed. "Well, I can't help it. Sallee Young was naked in that one film that came out when I was old enough to sneak into the R movies. A young boy's first boob encounter is huge."

"Sicko…" she gently poked almost forgetting the thumping pain in the center of her skull.

"You can't do that and then give the girl a uniform and a gun, it's just not right. But what can I say, liberal brunettes have always fascinated me. Too perfect to talk to. Too sweet to ignore."

Olivia closed her eyes, this time out fear that he'd see her furtive thoughts.

"Hey, what'd I say about that? Don't think about the pain."

Easy for him to say. She wasn't sure what was worse her physical condition or looking into his eyes while they pretended this wasn't flirting. The little piece of emotional hurt that she normally defused so well wielded her strength to look at him and a sickness in her stomach rose to the tip of her head. She scrunched her face to hold back the tears.

"Lake, go faster," Elliot yelled.

"I'm trying bro. Rush hours a bitch. Should of-," he stopped himself. The moment was too sensitive to agitate. Softly he spoke to himself under the sound of the wimpy Japanese horn. "Should have called an ambulance."

BEEP Beep beep Beeeeeeep

"Come on buddy, this isn't Ohio!"

Elliot watched her clenching beneath him. He just kept holding the shirt to her head and rubbing the sides of her face. His touch was like a tonic. She could feel her tears between his skin and hers. The sensation was both relaxing and upsetting.

Elliot let his eyes close as he held her and prayed. His guilty regret burned the vulnerable parts of his psyche. Again he'd let her down. Left her out. Pushed her to the side. Even though it wasn't his job to take care of her, he had always made sure that it was. In the darkness of prayer he was interrupted by the lurid misshapen forms that had become his life.

**Three days ago….**

"_Welcome back Starsky!"_

"_I thought__** you**__ were Starsky," Elliot joked._

_Olivia placed a whole-wheat bagel and a coffee in front of him and began taking off the many layers of cold weather accessories. "I don't know, which one was bald?"_

_Elliot stopped in mid bagel de-wrapping to lift his brows in receptive burn fashion. "Excuse me. That would be – Hutch- and he wasn't bald. He was blonde and he had a receding hairline. Big difference!"_

"_Compared to you're half eaten doughnut hair? Yeah, I could see why that would be inaccurate."_

_Elliot threw the bagel wrapper with a sarcastic smirk. "You're lucky I owe you Benson." _

"_You owe me nothing," She lightly smiled sifting through her messages. _

"_I'm just glad to see you back in that chair."_

"_Yeah, well I'm glad to be able to see the damn chair." _

_With mixed feelings of hope and fear they both paused in the moment. Elliot could feel that tingling comfortable tension emanating like a magnetic pull. He took a bit of his bagel and bathed in the familiar awkward silence. "Thanks for the breakfast."_

_She put down her pen and shortly nodded. "Your welcome."_

_Before the pause got too long Elliot turned away and grabbed his coat. "Call me if something comes in. I gotta run something over to Warner." _

"_What case is it for?"_

"_A personal one."_

Elliot opened his eyes. There she lay. Inches from his face. She was calm. Serene. Her eyes were closed and her breath was shallow.

"Hey, Hey, Liv? What'd I say? Don't close your eyes. Liv. Liv!"

She jumped back to life taking focus of his blurred features once again.

" I know I'm not much to look at, but you gotta stay awake."

His distressed face reminded her why she could never shut him out. She swallowed the watery feeling in her mouth and weakly replied ", It's not your breath."

Elliot smiled a little. A tear of exhaustion dropped onto her face.

Lake laughed from the front seat. "Did she just burn you?"

"That she did," Elliot choked, nervously wiping his eye with his shoulder.

"Olivia, you're relentless," Lake smiled.

"Noted," she answered almost inaudibly.

Elliot rubbed the sides of her head in a comforting motion and held onto her.

"You're upset," she softly said to him as they held each other's gaze.

"Don't you worry about me. I'm uninjured and I've got leverage."

The van came to a stop and Lake opened the door.

Before Elliot could even focus on the task at hand, the medics were pulling her from the van and taking her towards the ER wing.

Again his mind went on cruise control.

**Two Days ago…..**

"_Yes dear. No. I don't know when I'll be home. Because I don't."_

_His hand slapped the cell phone shut._

"_That was short," Olivia said from her side of the car._

"_Yeah."_

_Elliot could feel her trying to decide whether or not to question the hostility. For a moment he wished she would bring it up, but she didn't. Which was uncomfortably hard for Elliot to handle. He'd grown increasingly needy for her support recently._

"_I'm thinking about taking a vacation," She replied, as to ignore the topic. "Possibly Europe. Maybe Japan. I can't decide. I'd like to take Simon or somebody. I've never been out of the country. It's high time."_

_He gave her a nod. "I've been a few times. Military mostly. Can't really take a vacation with four kids, a cop's salary, and a wife who refuses to go out of the borrow for fear she'll get lost. Ah…I'm so tired of it all."_

_Again she ignored him. "I don't think I'd want to do it alone on the first go. Not because I can't read a map, but something about the isolation. Being an outsider and not speaking the language. That and there's something about sharing that with another person…"_

_Elliot sat in the passenger seat swimming in thoughts of Kathy's blatant disregard of her actions. He was listening to Olivia, but just barely._

"_Elliot?"_

"_Yeah, London. You and Simon. It's a good idea."_

_Olivia pulled up to the precinct and parked the car. Her eyes rolled and she shook her head in annoyance. "What. What is it, Elliot?"_

"_Hm?"_

_He'd turned to look at her. His elbow leaned on the window holding his head onto his shoulders. _

"_You gonna tell me what's going on with you and Kathy or do I have to pretend like you're listening to me all day?"_

_He rubbed his face trying to decide if he wanted to use Olivia as his punching bag once again. Like a fist to a glove he slipped into the role. "She's being dishonest with me. Keeping secrets. Denying things. She was seeing another guy when we…ah, forget about all of that, the baby could be somebody else's."_

"_What?"_

"_Yeah. Huge."_

"_Did she tell you that?"_

"_No. I over heard…Don Sheffield. I can't believe she was seeing that Ned Flanders kiss ass… You know what the worst part is? I think she knows that I over heard and she's intentionally ignoring it. She's walking around the house with this smile on her face like nothing is out of the ordinary and that we're back to normal."_

"_Well are you…back to normal?"_

"_If by normal you mean, fighting, then yes."_

"_Well, Elliot, I don't know what to tell yeah. Talk to her."_

_With that she abruptly opened the door and headed to the office._

"_Hey, did I say something?"_

"_No."_

"_Well, wait up."_

_Olivia hit the stairs at a fast pace and he ran in front of her. "So what if it's not mine?"_

"_I don't know, Elliot. You made your bed, so lay in it."_

_He slammed his hand on the glass door and got up in her face. "What's your problem?"_

_And there it went again. The same old episode playing out like a repetitive dance. Leading and passing. A soft decrescendo roaring into a loud and lengthy instrumental Brazilian Tango, only to simmer into silence. Olivia couldn't handle the same ending again and again. Her anger grew to a boil and she didn't back down. _

"_You want to know what my problem is? You! Everyday it's always about you. You're so afraid of doing the wrong thing that you can't even decide when it's ok to talk to you're wife. And the biggest problem here, is that every time I give you the answer, I end up failing myself. So, I can't help you any more, Elliot, because like you said….you're a big boy. Now if you don't mind I'd like to get this case wrapped up and head home."_

_Elliot's hand slid from the door as he speechlessly released the invisible chains from her side. This time he didn't follow her. "I'm gonna go pick up the results from Melinda."_

"_Fine."_

Maureen walked by the open hospital doorway and saw her father sitting on a bench outside. He sat in the cold with a white T-shirt as his only barrier to the bitter chill.

"Dad, what are you doing out here?"

He looked up at her and pulled himself away from his mind. "Thinking."

"It's cold out here. Where's your coat?"

Sullenly he looked down at his shirt and stood up in a trance. "It's in the car."

"Dad, your hand…it's."

Maureen's mouth fell at the sight of the blood on his left hand.

"Liv was….she had an untreated concussion. It's probably nothing. How's your mother?"

"Good. Asking for you. Is Liv here?"

"ER."

Elliot fell back to the bench covering his tears with the palms of his messy hands.

"Dad…," Maureen grabbed her father's cold shoulders and pulled him into her arms. "Dad, it's okay. We're all here. This too will pass."

"How'd you get so cultivated," he sniffed. "Ah, god, you're right. I'm just tired. She's gonna be fine. She's made it through worse. She's a fighter."

"Yeah, mom's tougher than she looks."

Elliot looked at Maureen and weakly blinked the thoughts of Olivia away. "Right…your mom. I guess I should go tend my duties."

"You know, Dad, if you want to be with Liv, I'll tell her you're working."

Elliot threw a look at her. "Why would say something like that?"

"I'm not blind. Dad, go be with Olivia. She doesn't have anybody. Simon's out of town. Fin got a hold of him. She needs you. Besides you'll just upset mom anyway and she needs to rest."

Without another word he rubbed her back and started for the automatic doors. Maureen followed a little concerned by his strange behavior. "Dad, you gonna be okay?"

With his back to her he continued to walk like he was on a mission. "Hold down the fort. I'll come get everybody for dinner."

"Love you Dad."

He went right past intensive care and didn't stop till he hit the rush of the ER.

Olivia lay on a bed in a small room. Her eyes were closed and her arm was hooked up to an IV. The doctor had just finished the last of the stitches.

"How is she?"

"She's lost a lot of blood. I'm a little concerned about the length of time she bled out. She said this happened yesterday, but the details were fuzzy, is that correct?"

"Yes, she was in a car accident. There was a fair amount of blood on her pillow."

"Okay. Well, we'll hook her up to a pint of blood, some fluids, and send her up for a CT Scan."

"CT Scan?"

"Just to make sure. My guess is a skull fracture at the worst. Nothing life threatening. A few weeks of recovery, she'll be as good as new."

"Do you need a donor?"

"For…"

"The blood."

"Why, are you compatible?"

"Yeah."

"Great. That would be great. I'll send a nurse in."

Elliot was left alone with the rise and fall of Olivia's sleep. He grabbed her hand and kissed it lightly.

When the nurse came in she took his blood and it was immediately tested and placed in the spot of the IV.

He sat next to her bed for hours until he felt the presence of her eyes staring up at him.

"Hey," she smiled.

"How you feeling?"

"High."

She half smiled at the light pat he gave the back of her hand.

"You're a piece of work Liv."

"I like to keep you on your feet. What time is it? Shouldn't you be with your family?"

He dropped her hand and almost shrugged. "Probably."

"How's the new addition?"

"He's mine."

The heart monitor next to her beeped and blinked a few times at the sound of it.

"That's good," she replied shortly.

They sat in the silence. Elliot teetered on action and self-control.

"Liv…"

"Hm?"

"Thank you for…everything. I don't say that enough, but you're important to me. More than I ever cared to admit. In the past, I mean."

She searched his eyes for the meaning behind his confession.

"I'm not dieing am I?"

He ignored her humor and grabbed her hand. "We're thicker than blood, Liv. Deeper than any vow I've ever made. I'm not sure how to handle what goes on inside of me when I'm with you…hell when I'm not with you, but I'm tired of ignoring it."

She blushed nervously. A strange hint of surprise and desperation came over her face. "What are you saying?"

He shuffled in a military stance, trying to be as casual as possible. "I…I think I'm…not sure, god I know I can't lose you from my life…But I just…I need…" When she didn't break her gaze, not even a blink, he lightly touched her hand in the frustration of his wordless emotions.

She followed his eyes and looked down at the back of his left hand. The stains of her blood still remained on his bare knuckles and she traced the shape of him lightly. "Your ring. Did you lose it?"

He turned the back of his hand away from hers and fingered the underside of her palm. "I'm not married."

"How long was I out? What do you mean you're not married?"

"According to the law. The papers were signed and sent in weeks before…all of this. I couldn't put that ring back on until I knew it was the right thing to do."

His touching started to grow. Slowly around her hand he went; between her fingers, around the tips, up to the wrist, the sunken places between the bone, and back again. Olivia watched his patterns. It was calming, soothing, different. She practically sighed as she fell into the spell of it all.

"And is it the right thing to do?"

His hand stopped.

Their eyes met. She could see the answer right there on his face. He didn't need to speak or nod. Slowly and carefully he bent in towards her and left the thought on her forehead…then her nose….then she lifted her hand to the side of his face and gently pulled his lips to hers.

"Daddy…."

And the touch faded. Olivia was too afraid to open her eyes. Too afraid to awake to a dream and too ashamed to look at the one person who could confirm that it wasn't.

"Kathleen…"

AN: For some damned reason my Bold/underline won't work, so I hope it's not too too confusing. DOLE. Drop me happy thoughts.


	5. Mashed

**AN: Hey ladies, thanks for all of the wonderful comments and lines. I have to admit this has been my favorite chapter to write so far. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Jenne sorry it took so frigg'n long. You can all blame my husband. He just talks to damn much sometimes. I can't concentrate when he's at home. It's like having a constant two year old, only he knows when I'm not paying attention to him. BAH! LOL! **

**Mashed**

**Three days after the accident.**

**Stable Residence.**

Dickie pressed the zigzagged potato masher into a large green bowl over and over again. His head was turned towards the mirror that reflected the Knick's game into the kitchen and every few seconds the mashing would stop so that he could yell at the basketball game.

"NO! Crawford you suck! What are you- Gah! OH….OH yeah- yeah that's the-"

"Dickie! Dickie, you're doing that so half assed. Give it to me," Kathleen bossed as she took the masher from his hands and began grinding at the large bowl of potatoes.

"Soooorry," he snapped back at her. "Since when did mashing potatoes become so precise? Jesus, Kathleen, you're such a freak."

"It's not about precision it's about getting it done this century, worm. God, when are you going to grow up!"

"When are you gonna get laid!"

"Oh, real low. What are you twelve? Please, my date life is driven by choice not circumstance."

"Last I checked Jimmy Alistor doesn't date rejects," he mocked while shoving a handful of pretzels into his mouth.

"You think you're such a big shot with you're little slut girlfriend? You're gonna end up like Dad one day and I'm gonna sit back and laugh at your miserable life."

Dickie dropped the bag of pretzels onto the kitchen counter and froze in disgusted anger.

"You selfish bitch. I can't believe you just said that."

Kathleen held the bowl of mashed potatoes close to her chest. She was practically squeezing its' sides and her eyes were darting and filled with rage. "Truth hurts, doesn't it, Dickie? Do the world a favor, wear a fucking condom."

Elliot walked into the kitchen in his comfortable pair of jeans and an NYPD sweatshirt. He held little EJ with pride and commanded attention with a fatherly strut. "What's going on in here? "

He looked at Kathleen's defensive posture and then to Dickie, who waited for Kathleen to answer. After an awkward pause of silence Kathleen turned her back on them and Dickie mumbled a ", Nothing" towards his father.

"Dinner will be ready in ten minutes," Kathleen grumbled.

"Mmmm great," Kathy said from behind them. She kissed baby EJ on the head and walked towards the roasted chicken in the oven. "It smells wonderful, Kathleen."

Kathleen ignored her father's eyes and kissed her mom on the cheek. "Thanks mom."

Before Dickie could make a lazy disappearance towards the basketball game in the living room, Kathleen handed him a stack of plates and then began setting the table for the four of them, plus baby.

After a quick silent fifteen minutes of eating and plate scrapping Kathy looked around at her present family.

"Is Lizzy sleeping over at Bethany's, because somebody's going to need to pick her up if she's not."

Kathleen pushed at the food on her plate. "Yeah, she called an hour ago. She's staying."

"I wonder if Maur made it back to school alright."

Everybody seemed to be in his or her own world. Nobody jumped to answer her. "Elliot?"

He looked away from the television. "Oh you know, she probably just forgot."

After several attempts of conversation and the last bit of her meal, Kathy lifted EJ from his baby seat and began to prepare him for a feeding. "Kathleen, can you put the leftovers away?"

She nodded towards her mother and took one last bite of her dinner roll.

"Oh, and, make up a plate and set it to the side for me."

Kathleen swallowed the bit of bread and looked up from the table. "A plate?"

"Yeah," she replied while fixing EJ to her breast. " For Olivia."

Kathleen's eyes fell from her face. Elliot, who was sitting fixed towards the Knicks game, glanced at Kathleen's fork drop. She couldn't even control the fact that she'd just given her father the look of death, but she wasn't about to start fighting with him in front of her mother.

"What do you mean Olivia?," she said to her mother, in hopes that this was not her father's idea.

"Your father's gonna take some dinner over to her after the game."

"Really," she questioned bitterly.

"She's still recovering."

"I thought she just got a new family. What happened to Simon?"

Kathy looked up at her daughter with a creased brow. "Kathleen, that was rude. If it wasn't for Olivia, I may not even be sitting at this table right now."

Elliot remained absently silent, and when Kathleen realized that he wasn't going to say anything, she averted her eyes and began cleaning up the dishes. "Sorry."

Elliot followed her into the kitchen. "Hey, I got it. Why don't you go relax."

The tension could have cut steel. Kathleen dropped her plate into the sink and turned to her father.

"Kathleen it was your mother's idea. Not mine. And there is nothing going on between Olivia and I. I would not lie to you about that."

"No, but you would lie to yourself."

"When I told you that kiss was out of love for a friend, I meant it. And your mother is right. Olivia was there for both of us in a time of need. The least we can do is check up on her. Family or not, we owe it to her."

"You know, it's one thing to tell me that kiss was friendly loving support, but to then allow mom to blindingly dig a grave for her future broken heart, is not only deceitful but it really makes me want to hate you."

She turned to leave and he grabbed her arm.

"Kathleen, don't do this. I ...it's not like that."

"Then what is it?"

Elliot blinked in thought. The only answer his mind would give him was one that he couldn't say out loud. "…it's complicated."

"Complicated?"

She waited for him to continue, but when he didn't…or couldn't, she shook her head stiffly and ran towards her bedroom.

In confusion he slammed the counter and bent over with his hands gripping the edge of the Kitchen island. "God damnit."

"Elliot, sweetheart?"

Kathy called to him from the dinning room.

He lifted his head to the ceiling weakly. "Yeah."

"Is everything okay?"

He paused and thought to himself. "_Say, no. Say, no. This is your chance. Just say it_…..Everything is fine, honey."

Her voice sweetly chimed from the other room. "Okay. You should probably leave before it gets too late. She's gonna need that food to take with her meds."

Elliot looked at the leftover food and started scooping it into a Tupperware bowl as his mind made it's own conversation. _"Kathy, I love you, but this isn't working."_

"Maybe I'll call her? See if she needs anything from the store."

"_Stop being so nice. I can't leave you when you're being so fucking nice."_

"Oh, you should take over that movie Elizabeth just bought. What is it called?"

Elliot was so far into his thoughts that he wasn't even paying attention anymore. Slowly he placed some green beans on top of the chicken.

" _I could just call Don over. Leave them alone long enough to catch them in an uncompromising position and…and then…."_

"It had Julia Roberts in it and that blonde actress. You know the one I like. They sing that song."

"_What the hell am I doing? I can't be with Olivia. I'd have to transfer or…or quit."_

Dickie shouted from the living room. "My Best Friend's Wedding."

"That's it!," Kathy laughed.

"_No, I couldn't quit my job. I can't even stop going to work to take care of the wife that I have."_

"Oh, wait," Kathy continued from the dinning room. "That movie has a terribly sad ending. What about 'Pride and Prejudice', El? Do you think she'd like that? Or is that too girly for her. Gosh, I really know nothing about her."

"_But why is that? Maybe I wouldn't need my work if I was happy outside of my work?...No that's ridiculous, of course I love my work. Or do I love my work because of Olivia?"_

"Elliot?"

"_God, this insufferable. I would just have to transfer. Or she could retire. No, I can't ask her to do that. I could retire."_

In a trance his mind raced throughout the scooping and dropping of mashed potatoes into the 1970's orange Tupperware bowl.

"Elliot, what are you doing!"

Elliot snapped out of his thoughts

"Huh?"

Kathy stood in the kitchen doorway with that cross look on her face. "There's enough food in that bowl for an army. I think a few scoops will be fine. Are you okay?"

He looked down at the mountain of potato on top of the can of green beans that hid all of the chicken except for the one boney wing. "Yeah…"

"I'm gonna go with you."

He dropped the wooden spoon onto the floor and then quickly picked it up before Kathy began to think he was drunk.

"You know, I've known Olivia for eight years and I've never seen her apartment. I bet it's very modern…and clean."

Elliot could barely function. He stood at the sink pretending to wash a few of the plates and allowing his mind to refrain itself from speaking irrationally.

Kathy just kept on talking. "That and I'm feeling really good today. I think a drive will be nice."

"Really?"

"What you think it's too soon?"

"Ah…I don't know."

"Well, I can't let this one little incident ruin my life," She smiled as she grabbed him by the hips.

"_Oh god, she knows._ Incident," he repeated nervously.

"Fear of getting into the car."

"Oh…right the car."

His heart thumped to a semi- normal beat and he wiped his brow with a soapy hand.

She laughed at the bubbles on his head and poked him in the stomach. "Besides you're acting funny. I don't trust you to go alone."

An hour passed of Elliot standing in the doorway waiting for Kathy to finally be ready. The car ride to Manhattan was painful to say the least. Kathy was not only oblivious, but she was obsessed with the well being of Olivia. His guess was that she was making up for years of faulty accusations. If only she knew how accurate she actually was, Elliot might be able to get out of this before the end of the night.

**SCENE**

**Benson Residence.**

"Kathy, what a surprise," Olivia smiled. Kathy walked through the door and gave Olivia a long hug and rubbed her back

"You're not supposed to be out of bed. We could have opened the door."

Olivia held onto Kathy's hug while staring at Elliot in confusion. "Well, you're not supposed to be taking joy rides, but I wasn't going to tell anybody."

Elliot gave Olivia a whipped glance in return and walked to her kitchen where he placed several bags of food, an armful of movies, and EJ's car seat on the counter.

"How's your head," he asked.

"Drugged. Is that the big boy," Olivia smiled as she inched her way to the sleeping baby.

Kathy lifted him from the car seat and nodded for Olivia to sit with her on the couch. "We weren't going to bring him, but then before we left, Elliot brought up Bible class and that got me thinking of other things and well I couldn't ask you without him being present…El, can you warm up the food? And so, Olivia we thought, now would be as fine a time as any…"

Kathy forced the child into Olivia's arms. She tensed up immediately. "To ask, if you'd be his godmother?"

Olivia's back was faced away from Elliot, but she could feel his guilt from across the room. Lightly she bounced the sleeping fussy baby, and searched for the intent behind all of this. Not two days ago, Elliot had physically professed his love to her. He even said that he wasn't married. Now they were making friendly visits and asking her to be the child's godmother. Was this the Catholic's sick way of sharing 'Big Love'? Olivia was confused, and starting to think that that kiss was just a hallucination from all of the hospital drugs. On the other hand, when she looked down at the little sleeping face in her arms, she started to feel the comfort of it all. Who was she trying to fool? She would do anything for this kid.

Kathy's wayward eyes and intense happiness were waiting for a response. With EJ pressed to her chest, Olivia forced a smile and replied ", Yes. That…that's…It would be a privilege…a…I'm flattered…I don't' know what to say. Yes. "

She quickly turned to Elliot, who now had his back to her. His worn face watched the plate spin in the microwave. "I mean, are you sure you don't want to ask your brothers or sisters. I don't want to take that job away from a blood relative."

Kathy touched her leg, and the sway that she'd eased into became tense again.

"Olivia, there is not a person in this world that could take better care of any of my children, than you."

Elliot shook his head shamefully. If death were an option he'd of taken it, after that line. Not wanting to leave Olivia in the brink too long, he familiarly grabbed a fork from the right hand drawer and crossed over to them.

Olivia now sat between the two fair-faced Stablers like an out of place foster child from the ghetto. The three of them fidgeted on her slightly claustrophobic couch. EJ slept peacefully in her arms.

"Look at you, God Mommy Olivia. He only sleeps that soundly for us. It was meant to be."

"Ha…I guess so," she smiled uncomfortably.

So there they sat, thigh to thigh, in a thick of silence. Elliot stiffly sat to Olivia's left side with the hot plate in his lap. Kathy leaned in towards her son and held her hand over one of Olivia's hands. "That's it. A light bounce will always do the trick. You should eat something," Kathy whispered. "Elliot, feed her some of that chicken."

"What?" Olivia sat up in alarm. "No," she whispered. "That's not necessary."

"Kath, why don't you take EJ, so Liv can eat."

"Because he's so peaceful. If you move him he'll only fuss. Olivia, relax. Let us take care of you. Elliot, hold out the plate."

Her genuine smile and his pressing guilt forced the plate from his lap and she grabbed the fork from the side of it.

Olivia could feel herself squirm. "No, Kathy please, I'm not one to be fed."

"I know that's why it needs to be done. Sit back and let me take care of you."

"Kathy, I appreciate all that you're-"

She ignored Olivia completely and pushed the fork towards her mouth. "Mashed potatoes?"

"Kathy, she doesn't want to be fed," Elliot interrupted as he grabbed Kathy's arm.

"Elliot, stop telling her what she wants."

"Kathy really," Olivia pressed as the fork came closer and closer. But Kathy wasn't listening and Elliot's grip was causing the full fork to swerve.

"You always do this. Push me away."

"Kathy, I'm not pushing you away. Olivia's arms would work fine if you'd just take the baby."

"Kathy, Elliot- stop-," Olivia said as she dodged the utensil.

Then Elliot let go of Kathy's arm and the potatoes backed away from Olivia's face with the swing of Kathy's emotional hand. "You just don't respect my opinions."

"No, I can't, because the only reason why you came over here-"

"Elliot," Olivia nudged as she balanced the baby away from falling dinner debris and did her best to prevent an all out Stabler explosion.

"-make up to her for all of the things you used to think."

"Elliot!," Olivia gasped.

And there it went, the fork, the plate, the chicken, Kathy's tears, EJ's slumber, and Elliot's gravy stained pants. By the time Olivia could figure out what was going on Kathy and Elliot were in the hallway screaming at each other, EJ was crying in her lap, and she was still sitting in the center on the couch covered in potato and wondering where it all went wrong.

Lightly she bounced EJ. His sleepy eyes blinked and fixed on hers.

"Well…this has been a lovely visit. Are you the door prize," Olivia she jested to his glazed over stare.

When he didn't answer her, she lifted her arm and licked some mashed potato from the back of her hand.

"Mmm…not bad. Shall we watch some television? Yeah?"

EJ blinked and grunted.

"I'll take that as a yes."

She clicked the television on and held EJ to her shoulder in an almost natural manner. As she held EJ's attention, Olivia's nightly routine reruns played in the background. "Ow, this is a good one. A classic. You got Alan Alda, Loretta Swit, Jamie Farr, William Christopher. God, I could go on. See it's the Korean war and Hawkeye, that's Alan Alda, see he was in love with Hot Lips, well in my opinion. He made the passes. She didn't object…."

The evening faded out as Olivia lalled both herself and little EJ into a deep sleep with the only bedtime stories she knew. When Elliot finally gave into Kathy's need for his attention they made their peace and found the two passed out on the couch.

Elliot watched Olivia lightly breathe under his son's tiny body and couldn't help but want to have this moment to himself.

AN: Okay who know's what Sitcom Drama I'm refrencing? Drop me some lines and check out Mrslee's "Senses" it's getting good.


	6. Noble

AN: Man I love snow sometimes. It really effects my happy thoughts. It doesn't really snow much in Chicago, but when it does, it's pretty. It's like a winter wonderland outside of my window. Anyhooooo- Here's ye'old update...well I guess it's not really old cause it's new, but you all get my drift. Ha hehe drift...get it...it's snowing. OH god- I am so not punny!

Noble

Elliot stood next to the Crown Vic parked in front of Olivia's building waiting to surprise her with a drive to work on her first day back. He knew she'd challenge the thought with her need to deny a kind gesture, but he didn't care. Accepting his, out of sorts kindness was going to be her new habit if he had to beat it into her. Besides that, he was getting tired of sharing her with Kathy. And even though he was having a hard time admitting that to himself, something allowed him to ignore the guilt and give in. Whether the world was ready for it or not, he was ready to give _them_ a try.

When he woke up that morning he felt renewed, ambitious even. Something had changed. Yet, the closer he got to Olivia's apartment the tighter his collar became. The thought of them…together, felt a little out of place. He wasn't even sure how she would know. Or if she would know. And could he tell her if she didn't know? The nerves ate at his insides. He felt like he should be holding a dozen cheap carnations with a head full of hair, gangly arms, and about twenty years worth of age lines shaved off of his face.

The thought of secretly courting his best friend and partner in crime was definitely a preposterously juvenile idea. The kind of idea he wouldn't even have tried the first time he was legally single let alone while he supported a family and an ex-wife that he still slept next to every night. If he had been near a cigarette he most certainly would have sucked every last drop of it into his uneasy lungs.

The fear of losing everything was crushing him from all angels. Still a nitch in the center of his mind willed him to proceed. He'd gotten through twenty years of a rollercoaster marriage, raised four kids, made a fifth mistake, killed a few men, busted the scum of Manhattan everyday, and still the thought of Olivia Benson being "the one" was enough to bring him to the ground like a sack of unmuscled bones. She was the David to his Goliath, the arrow to his side. She made him furiously angry while forcing his cheeks to blush at the same time. The woman was a damn menace to the well being of his already unbalanced universe, and somehow one approved glance from her gravitating brown eyes could make his life feel so complete. That didn't make the acceptance of it all any easier. There was so much on the line. He wasn't sure if he should pull a Johnny Cash and walk it or run for the hills to take the path most often traveled.

And there he stood jingling his keys and leaning on the dirty blue cop car. Olivia's neighbor walked past him and nodded. The nod was enough to make him second-guess the silence of his thoughts. Was he speaking out loud or does that guy say hello to everybody?

Quickly he shifted his weight and looked down at the gold watch on his wrist for the tenth time in two minutes.

He was beginning to think that the damn thing was broken when the front door opened. Olivia's neighbor just barely dodged the swing of it.

"Ow, sorry Joseph. I didn't see you there," she smiled.

"Morning Olivia."

"Good morning. Do you need a hand?"

"A hand?"

The old man pulled himself up the steps squinting his face to see Olivia's. "Dear, I don't need a hand I need a foot."

She laughed and helped him into the building. "How's the wife?"

"Beautiful as a sunrise on a warm summers day," he smiled. His beady blue eyes sparkled beneath the wrinkles of his cheeks.

"You're so sweet. How do you two keep things so fresh after all of these years?"

"Ah, I stopped taking my meds years ago. I can't even see my own dick let alone my wife's nagging face. Details and Delusions!"

"Oh…" Olivia, who was smiling, crinkled her nose and turned towards the street. "Have a good day, Joseph."

That full head of brown hair blew haphazardly in the wind, and their eyes met.

She gave him a sharp glance and headed down the front steps. It was one of those hidden excited stares, where neither person is sure what to say or do because of the distance. Elliot was ready to break the space between them when she inevitably beat him to the punch.

"Is this another feeble attempt to kiss my ass for no reason at all or did my head injury do more damage than I know about?"

"You're lucky I haven't already filled your position, yeah couch potato."

"Ha- funny. I'm surprised they haven't forced us both into retirement after the health insurance bill this month."

He grinned his way into familiar territory and opened the passenger door. "We're just a couple of head cases, now aren't we. Ah, but you know we're not that lucky. Besides I couldn't retire, I'd have to pay for unlimited cell minutes just to make sure you didn't miss me too much."

"You think I'd miss you?"

"Get in the car, Benson."

She blinked at the passenger seat and mockingly leaned on the back car door to tease him. "Would _you_miss me?"

She waited for the smartass comeback.

"You know I would," he replied seriously.

But when she didn't get it, her eyebrow questioned the odd behavior.

"You getting soft on me?"

"No, just brave," he winked.

A smile formed across his face as she blinked away from his flirtatious stare. She then ignored the signs of deeply caring communication and got into the car with the feeling of peculiar butterflies dancing in her stomach. When he sat in the seat next her, the smile was still there. That grin. The brightness in his eyes. She hadn't seen him in such good spirits in a long time. The itch to call him out on it was unbareable, but for some reason, she kept the comments to herself.

**SCENE**

**The Precinct **

**Afternoon**

"So Lake says ', Munch your German right?"

"Noooooo," Olivia gasped through a smile.

"Exactly, "Elliot continued. "Munch chokes on his beer, and the next thing we know he's going on a wild tangent about Jewish does not a German make, and Lake is a made up name forced upon his people by the Angelo British Nazis of America. Well, little does he know this woman who Lake brought over to introduce to Munch is not only German, but she's from Germany…and she's drunk. They get into this huge fight. Fin and I are losing it, because Munch is getting his ass kicked by this woman and Lake is jumping around the two of them like a broken marionette. Finally, he talks them out of the fight and then ends up driving both of them home. We still don't know what happened in the car, but now every time Lake has to deal with Munch he softly sings 'Edelweiss' into his ear."

Olivia and Elliot entered the office space laughing hysterically. It was a commotion that the rest of the floor hadn't realized they missed until it's contagious sound filled the hallway again. Yet, even in the need to hear the sound of joy it was quickly put on hold when the two detectives looked up to see their unit sitting in front of the video board patiently waiting for them to quiet their laughter.

"Oh," Olivia stopped.

Elliot straightened himself and cleared his throat. "Sorry."

They walked to their desks to gather the information they needed to get on with their own case. Their eyes flickered back and forth across the desk holding back silent laughter as Cragen, Fin, Casey, Lake, and Munch discussed the pictures on the video screen.

Cragen continued his thought "We have a suspect. Arnold Crumpski."

A picture of an old man with a white beard popped up next on the screen.

"He's worked for Macy's as their Santa Claus for ten years. His costume particles were found under our victim's nails. As far as we can tell he's a loner, a pedophile, and this was his first murder. He was last seen in this coffee shop one block from his apartment. The building is being watched-"

Olivia heard the words Santa and Macy's and turned to look at the board. "I know him."

The group of them paused in thought as Olivia walked to the board. "I hired him."

"For what," Fin asked sarcastically.

"Don't ask don't tell, " Elliot said as he took a pile of files past Olivia.

She slapped him on the head. "For my building's Christmas party yeah numb skulls. He was the only Santa I could find on the Website who lived in our area and didn't have a criminal record."

"Website," Lake asked.

"Yeah, um…gosh what was it called…"

She walked over to her computer and started typing at the keyboard. "Here. Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. My neighbor told me about it. Said he used to be a member until he decided that the only urine he wanted on his pants was his own."

Elliot leaned over her shoulder to see the website and with a twinge of giggles still left over from the earlier car ride gave a held back snort.

"What," she replied. "Direct quote, I swear."

Lake pushed Olivia out of the way and began clicking through the pages. Elliot stood behind her with his hand on the center of her shoulder blades. His warm hand was jolting.

"So this neighbor of yours. Is he friends with any of these guys," Cragen asked.

"I don't know. We can certainly interview him."

Cragen went on talking about the unit's next frame of action, but Olivia's mind went into deep space nine when the feeling of Elliot's hand began to move lightly on the top of her back. She fought to concentrate….

"..Olivia and Elliot you two will go to the…"

His hand moved up to the top of her neckline and the feeling of his fingers teased her skin.

"We need to locate this guy before it happens a …"

Then he spoke out of turn. "I've met Liv's neighbor, he's got all of his wits about him. Should we put the Linderman case on hold?"

She looked up at him. He briefly winked and fell right back into the professional discussion. Rubbing and talking. His innocent face gave her the assumption that he had no idea what he was doing to her. Touching and fondling and tingling and….GRAB!

Olivia grabbed his hand and moved away. Her heart was practically pounding from within her low cut shirt. "Okay…let's get going."

Her eyes caught Casey's, who gave her a stern glare and turned away. She felt awful about snapping at Casey. If Casey could only see that everything she'd done before that accident was ancient history to her now. Her eyes had been opened to something far more important than the pangs of love. She just wanted everybody to be healthy and happy. If this was it, then she'd come to accept it. As long as Elliot could keep his hands from the base of her neck that is.

"You okay," he asked.

"Yeah, lets do this."

The two of them walked with Lake and Fin towards the elevators. Olivia forced all personal thoughts out of her mind and set it for work mode. Something that she scorned herself for not doing four hours ago. As they piled into the elevator Elliot's sexual presence melted away and she brought herself to the comfortable place of friendship and case cracking.

"So Elliot, you taking EJ to see Santa Claus," Lake asked.

"Boy you really have no tact or timing do you, Lake?"

"Wha- well, I guess it's- hey, it's not like you'll be leaving him with the guy."

Elliot lightly smiled and watched the numbers go down. "Yeah, I suppose Kathy and I will…"

The sound of her name brought him to a stand still. Kathy and Christmas. Two things that Elliot had not thought about. Nobody seemed to notice that he'd trailed off. Olivia, who would have normally caught the fear, kept on talking. It was a sign that maybe she _had_ truly accepted her place or maybe she was just that good at turning on her professional thought filter. "Lake, the little guy is so cute that not taking him to get that photo would be a crime. Am I right El?"

"Yeah…"

The doors opened and they walked out into the hallway. The Salvation Army Santa rang his bell and called to the four of them. "Christmas time is meant for sharing. Think of someone other than yourself this year. Make a donation. Jingle Bells and Happy Hanukah!"

The words and the bell clanged and echoed throughout Elliot ears. He dropped a few coins in the bucket and the two of them headed for the corner. They stood waiting for the light to change. Their hearts beating out of time and in unharmonious syncopation once again.

"_Think of someone else this year…someone else…think of Kathy. Kathy would be devastated,"_ he said to himself as the clouds grew fat for the fall of snow and the cool New York breeze pushed Olivia in the opposite direction one more time.

His ambitious courting came to a halt as the first snowflake hit his nose and he watched Olivia cross the street in front of him like a lone flower. The white of winter forced him to remain noble. Noble for his family, but mostly noble for her, his Olivia. His family would always see her as the witch who stole Christmas if he continued down the path less taken. And in the bows of his mind the song would taunt him until the snow melted away just long enough for him to pick her stem.

_**Edelweiss, Edelweiss **_

_**Every morning you greet me **_

_**Small and white, clean and bright **_

_**You look happy to meet me  **_

_**Blossom of snow may you **_

_**bloom and grow forever**__**  
**__**Edelweiss, Edelweiss ….**_

_I'd be happy to be with you._

AN: So for those of you who don't know, Edelweiss means Noble White Flower. Yes, I'm just filled with mushy mediphor today. Drop me some lines lovely readers. I have some juicy stuff coming up, but I tend to write faster when motivated. Peace and snow! Ho ho ho! Scar


	7. Photogenic

**AN: DAMN! I have been busy fools! I have been wanting to write this chapter for days and things keep getting in the way. I am so sorry for the delay, and if I didn't get to reply to your review- slap me. OUCH! I totally suck- AGAIN! I love all of your feedback. It is greatly appreciated. I know there has been some hubbub about feedback recently. Might I add- that I too, can be a terrible fanfic reader sometimes. Not because I don't leave reviews. I always leave reviews. I feel like if I had the time to read it, then I should give the author my feedback in some kind of way. It's like a small payment for their time and efforts. That and it's just good fun to review. I've gained so many wonderful penpals by reviewing things. Kisses to all of you! But sometimes I will read the first chapter to something, love it, and then put it on my "Alert" list to save the rest of the story for a rainy day, and then the rain never comes, and it takes me months to finish it. Not because I didn't love it- but merely because I get swamped every now and again. And I spend a large majority of my time reading newspapers and stories for job related research. So I sometimes just want to sit and write, but not read. I suck I know, but I think there are a lot of us out there like that. Especially you gals in school. So by getting your feedback- I truly appreciate it! Thank you so so so so much. And I hope you are having fun with this story. I liked this chapter but I feel like it's just a set up for the chapters that I really want to write, so I hope it's not too much of a Dick tease. No Wolfe pun intended. **

**Laura- I hope you are feeling better. I'm totally sorry that I haven't e-mailed you. The flu sucks ass! Sam- I don't know why I confuse you, but sometimes I think I add things---just because I know that it will confuse you…..I'm evil! Brew hahahahhahahahhah! Jenne get your spinach out of my mouth you silly side slicker you! **

**And for those of you utterly lost in my author's note- ignore my blabbering and have a fun time reading the next chapter of this horrid crisis called love!**

**Photogenic**

Olivia walked into the precinct bright and early the next morning. She smiled at Elliot's empty desk and placed the New York Times neatly in the center of its' rectangular surface. The pictures of his kids smiled up at her and she bent over to take a look at the photo shot long before she'd ever known them. They were much younger. Maureen still had baby cheeks and the twins were barely in Pre-school. Kathleen sat next to her mother, willful, shy, and craving affection. Olivia found her to be pretty typical for a middle child, but even with all of her charm and psychological wisdom, Olivia could never quite break Kathleen's skeptical attitude. Olivia looked into the eyes of the younger version of Kathleen. She searched for answers in that six-year-old smile, but the only thing that came to her was the memory of Kathleen's, now grown face, horrified and full of disdain. That was enough to convince Olivia that even if her estranged memory did happen, it was probably better left unsaid. Still she longed to feel his lips again. And she could sense that Elliot was changed by the connection, but she couldn't find a reason to bring it up. She was too afraid of the outcome. Fear and longing, were dangerous urges to have. The memory of it had been flickering in her mind for almost a month. It taunted her and teased her to ask for more, but the only thing she could muster from these feelings was flushed cheeks and a vague silence. The silence was different and strangely ground breaking from the usual silence she and Elliot proclaimed. It was a shy silence, an awkward silence. It was anything but angry and familiar. The newfound territory left her at unease.

Quickly her logical brain cell's forced the thoughts away as her eyes landed on the very young Elliot and Kathy Stabler, the proud parents of four…now five. Elliot still had hair and that egotistic smile that he was famous for. He was thin, young, fresh-faced. She wondered how long it had been since their last family photo. She envisioned the seven of them piling in front of a camera at the Wal-Mart photo center. EJ sleeping, Maureen primping, Kathleen grumping, the twins hitting each other, and Kathy smiling through it all. She could see it as if it were happening before her very eyes. And Elliot…well, Elliot's blurred features would not stay focused, but his voice was as clear as a bell.

"We're gonna do this if it kills me, now will you shut up and stand still. Dickie did you even comb your hair? Kathleen, I've had enough of the whining cut it out and do this for your mother. Can we do this for your mother? Maureen? Maureen! Where did she go? Ah- that's it, I give up. I can't…I can't do it anymore." All of the regular family chaos would commence around him as he questioned why he still remained in their picture. And it was amazing that even in this old photo, through all of the smiles, the happy memory still held a façade of depression in it. All of this, captured in one image for Olivia to observe from afar. And who was she to judge? Maybe she didn't mind that it was dysfunctional or maybe it made her want to fix it. Either way, there it was, calling to her like a helpless infant.

"Thanks, Don. I really appreciate this," said a familiar voice from behind her.

She lifted her head to see Dean with his back towards her talking to Don from his office doorway.

"Dean."

He turned to see her standing next to him.

"Olivia, we were just talking about you."

"Oh," she nodded curiously. "So that's why my ears were ringing."

"Right," he grinned.

Cragen leaned on the side of the doorway and casually smiled at the two of them. "I'm sure the ringing was after shock from the pushy Salvation Santa in the lobby."

"What is with that guy," Olivia laughed. "I've heard of fighting for the cause, but that guy has taken bell ringing to a whole new level. So what's with the meeting?"

"How do you know it was a meeting? I could be stopping by to say hello," Dean winked.

"Please. Fed's don't usually linger in the halls of ruffian low life's like ourselves, unless we're needed, wanted, or being persecuted."

Cragen sighed with a hint of laughter and embarrassment. Softly he eased into his all-serious head wrinkle. "Apparently, our secret Santa, Arnold Crumski, isn't Arnold Crumski at all. They found his body at the bottom of the Hudson this morning. Our real perp is a real… Christmas case. As in, he's an international nut case with a Jack the Ripper past and a need to feed his Grinch complex. He's been festively violating children all over the world for quite some time now."

"That's a sleigh riding comfort," Olivia derived.

"He started in Europe," Dean continued. "Then made his way to the states four years ago. We've been tracking him since then. Clement Moore is the name he goes by, but he has several other alias'."

"Clement Moore? Like 'The Night Before Christmas', Clement Moore," Olivia questioned.

Don fidgeted next to them as he fixed his tie. "That's the one. Needless to say, we're passing this case over, but they want a detective from our office to cooperate the details with them-"

"Whoa, wait," Olivia interrupted. "I told you I was finished doing under cover work outside of our jurisdiction."

Cragen gave her a look and continued with his own interruption. "That's why I'm sending Elliot."

Her face went from defensive to broken, and before she could stop the reaction, Dean noticed and touched her arm lightly. "It's nothing intense. We'll be working with your office. He'll be backing your loose cannon before you know it."

She pulled her arm away to hide the weakness in her body language. "You got some nerve, Porter. My cannon only fires when given reason to. Cap, whatever you need to do to close the case is fine with me as long as I don't have to work with a newbie or a Fed."

"Cause that's the same thing?" Dean smirked.

"If the shoe fits," she added without one hint of jest or eye contact.

Don checked his watch and headed for his coat. "You'll be working with Munch, Liv. I gotta run. I got a meeting with the boss man. I'll be out all day. Work on closing the Linderman case. Dean will take care of the Crumpski-- or Moore case, I guess it would be called now, with Elliot. Lake and Fin are scheduled to come in at noon to add in their two cents, but if you could make sure they don't get too caught up that'd be great. Our caseload is gonna explode with the Holiday crisis rush, and I can't afford to give three of my detectives to the Fed's. No offense, Dean."

"None taken."

Olivia jumped at the sound of Lake's name and tried to manipulate the situation before Cragen could leave. "Cap- why can't you put Lake on the case-"

"Cause he's a newbie. Liv, I want anything pending out of here before the twenty-third. Please remind everybody of that. We've only got two days."

She wanted to finish her disagreement, but knew it'd only be a waste of energy. "Got it. Should I take a pay raise while I'm at it?"

"If you consider fruitcake a raise, then yes." He patted her on the shoulder and winked before heading towards the elevators. "Tis the season to be weary. You know I appreciate it, Liv. And, Dean, thanks."

The office grew quiet and Olivia stood next to Dean awkwardly. "So how's life Porter?"

"Good. The city is growing on me."

"Good," she replied shortly as she sat at her desk and started on the Linderman case like the good cop that she'd been known to be every now and again. Dean checked his watch then sat at Elliot's desk.

"So is your partner always late to work or did you just get here early?"

"Early—Ah, what are you doing?"

Dean was riffling through the New York Times on Elliot's desk and stopped at the tone in Olivia's voice. "Reading the paper."

She took a moment and then began to sort through files again. "Just make sure you put it back."

Dean folded the paper and dropped it onto Elliot's desk with a smile. The pages caused a slight breeze that lifted the taped picture of EJ from the corner of Elliot's computer monitor. Gently it floated through the crack between the two desks.

"Oop, runaway baby-"

Olivia sighed heavily and dipped under her desk to grab the photo. She then ripped open her desk drawer and pulled off a piece of scotch tape. "Porter, you're in my office for two minutes and already you're wrecking the place."

"Calm down, he won't know. I'm glad to know you leave of absence hasn't broken that annoying ball crushing disposition of yours."

"What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger," she jabbed as she reached over her desk and to stick the picture back onto Elliot's computer. Her reach wasn't quite long enough and Dean grabbed at the tape. "Move your hand, Benson, it's all crocked."

"Porter, I got it."

As they fought about the angle and the precise placement of the tape Olivia grew closer and closer to the monitor. Her body hanging over the two desks as her feet balanced on the swivel chair. Every inch she took was an inch closer to a full view of busty skin under the red button down blouse she wore. "You just got your finger prints all over the-"

"Oh, he'll never notice that," Dean smirked.

"I will!"

"Fine I'll wipe it off."

He grabbed for his handkerchief and wiped at the photo, while Olivia's hand grabbed and fussed with the pitiful job he was doing.

"Who tapes a picture to a computer? Hasn't he ever heard of a frame?"

"Yeah I have," Elliot said from behind them. Olivia froze in mid wipe and looked up at Elliot like a deer in headlights. She was about to reply when she noticed Elliot's eyes flicker to her chest, which, now that he'd pointed it out, felt a tad unearthed.

"Huh? Ah…" she mumble-gasped as she reached down to cover herself. The wheels on her chair gave out at the jolt of her arm and the next thing she knew her body was plunging towards both desks along with her busty bosom and any tough girl attitude that she may have conveyed within the last five minutes. She wasn't sure what was worse the parts of her body that were now being poked from the sharp objects that caught her fall or her tarnished feminine pride.

Both men jumped to help her up

"I got her, " Dean said grabbing at her arm.

"AH ah ah I got her. Liv, we both know that acrobats is not your strong point," Elliot mocked sweetly as he smoothly lifted her away from the desk and Dean's gracious attempts.

She held her embarrassed glare away from their stares and then pushed the two of them away before anything obscene could further damage the situation. "I'm fine. I got it. Just back up…do I look like disabled? Don't answer that. Can you go about your jobs already."

Olivia straightened herself out. Her face was red and she avoided any and all reactions like the plague. Just when she thought the nightmare was over Elliot's hand reached for her chest….

"My paper weight must have nicked-"

SLAP. She instinctually lashed out at the phalange headed for her already bashful cleavage.

"Hey, I'm – sorry. You got a cut."

She looked down and before she knew it not one, but two hands were headed for the small cut on her chest.

"Whoa! Guys! Back it up! I got it, I got it Okay!" Quickly she pulled her blouse closed and backed away from them. That would teach her never to shop at Express again. She had a feeling it was a bad purchase when she realized it was intentionally missing two of the top buttons. That's what she gets for trying to be trendy.

Elliot pushed hard into Dean and headed for the first aid kit in his desk.

"Excuse_ you_," Dean mumbled.

"Sorry, what?" Elliot said with a hint of intimidation.

"I said excuse me."

"What'd you fart?"

"No, but where I come from we don't push people unless there's a problem. You got a problem?"

Elliot tore off the paper around the band-aid with his teeth and sarcastically smiled at him. "Naw. Are you insinuating that I got a problem?"

Dean staggered in a bit of confusion and shrugged a "No."

Elliot then walked back to Olivia on the opposite side of the Dean and handed her the band-aid, all the while watching Porter with his intense blue eyes.

The two men stood with a tension that she'd only ever seen from over achieving super heroes and maybe once during a school yard fight. Mouths dropped, shoulders back, and faces flushed. Olivia took a moment to take it all in quietly and then turned for the other direction. "I'll be in the bathroom. Elliot, Captain says you're with Dean on the Crumski Case." She paused with her back to them, just to make sure they weren't going to hit each other and when Elliot didn't move she took another step out of the office. "He'll fill you in."

Olivia was gone before Elliot could object. He glanced at Dean's pretty boy face and shook off his ego with a cock of the head and a strut towards his chair. Dean wiped the hair from his eye and twitched his upper lip into a professional stone face. It was on eight o'clock, and it was going to be a long day.

**SCENE**

Olivia walked into the precinct with Munch yammering into her ear. 

"That blood sample will do it. You want to give it to Casey or should I?"

"You can-" She started but then stopped when they got into the office and saw Casey sitting on Lake's desk. His hand was on her thigh and they were talking with their heads much closer than the average ADA/ Detective personal would normal reach. When they're entrance was known, Casey stood up quickly and brushed at an invisible piece of lint on her skirt.

"I'll need more information for a warrant," She said before heading out.

"Oh no she didn't," Olivia said to Munch before grabbing the blood results from Munch's hand and followed Casey towards the elevators.

Munch stood in the doorway alone and shook his head at the circus of hormones and estrogen contaminating his usually sane unit members.

"Take a lunch break Munch. I'll be back in an hour."

Olivia jogged to catch up with Casey. "Casey. Case."

"Yeah," she said with a grumble.

"Hey, I've got results for the Linderman case. It's pretty much in the bag."

"Great."

Casey tapped her foot and huffed next to the elevator.

"Casey, can we talk?"

"I don't know, can we?"

"I'm on break. How about lunch? I promise I won't freak out this time."

Casey thought about it and when the elevator doors opened she nodded. "I gotta talk to my boss real quick. I'll meet you at the café on the corner in fifteen."

"Okay," Olivia nodded.

As Casey's hostile image disappeared behind the first set of elevators, Dean and Elliot's fire and ice image appeared in the second set.

"Dean, you can't possibly agree with the way your department is handling this. Listen, give me one –Liv-," Elliot shot his words towards Olivia as they walked past her.

"Hey," she said almost catching both men off guard.

Elliot stopped. "Hold up, wait for me okay?"

"I can't. I gotta get a table at the café."

"Great wait for me and I'll come."

"El, I can't-"

" Porter-" Elliot switched back and forth.

Olivia threw her arm between the elevator doors to hold it for Elliot. "Liv, give me a minute. Dean, I'm telling you, call your department, if this is our guy, I can break him."

The doors tried to close on Olivia again, and she stepped out of the shaft and leaned next to the vending machines.

"Just give me thirty minutes and an interrogation room," Elliot pleaded.

"Elliot, I'll try, but I can't promise anything. They're gonna want more than some crazy old guy's testimony. He couldn't even tell me what the president's name is."

Olivia, shot a look at Dean and interrupted his comment. "Hey, Joseph, happens to be my neighbor and he's sharper than a tack. He was probably making a joke. Did he say Nixon and then correct it with Hitler?"

"Thank you peanut gallery," Dean said stepping in front of Elliot.

"It was a joke, Dean. Joseph used to write old vaudeville sketches for Johnny Carson and Jay Marshal. His alibi is good. Trust Elliot."

"Thank you!" Elliot said grabbing Dean's arm and forcing himself back into the conversation.

Dean then flared his nostrils at Elliot's presence and shook his head. "Fine, Stabler, I'll get you the damn interrogation, but you're gonna have to brief me on what you're going to say. "

"What?!"

"I'm serious. I'm giving you twenty minutes to get it together, so you better get started on it. I can't hand this interrogation over to a cop. No offense."

The crease in Elliot's eyebrows grew an inch deeper and he backed away contemplating the punch. "Porter, I'm finished with this game. You're either working with me or setting me up."

"I'm following standard procedures. I'm sorry you're not used to obeying rules, but it's time you started."

Elliot pushed Dean in the chest. "What's your deal? You come here and ask for our help- MY- help, and you question or ignore anything that I bring to the table."

"I didn't come here for your help. I came here, because my higher up told me that was what I was to do. And as for you...look it's not that I don't trust you--" Dean glanced at Olivia's defensive stance and cleared his throat. "You know, this isn't the kind of argument we should be having in a Precinct hallway in front of a lady. If you have a problem, take it up with Cragen."

Elliot looked at him with anger. He could have punched Dean's bleached teeth in if she hadn't been standing next to him. His eyes flickered towards Olivia and that urge to kick Dean's ass weakened knowing that his lack of self-control would cause a disappointment from her that was too much for him to handle right now. He grew silent and backed away. "I will take it up with Cragen. And when you lose your case, you only have yourself to blame." Elliot took one more quick glace at Olivia and started for the office.

As soon as Dean was through with Elliot he leaned on the wall next to Olivia and tried to charm the tension away. "Now I know why you two get along so well. I just don't know how you haven't killed each other."

"Heh….yeah."

"So, you going to lunch? I'd love to join you. We can…catch up. You know, the old city girl show'n the small town guy how to order an ethnic meal."

All of the sudden Olivia felt dirty and caught off guard. His pick up line was much too close to her bubble, not to mention, she could see Elliot's head turn to face them, just past Dean's shoulder. "Ah…thanks, but I don't think so. Besides I'm going out with Casey. It's a girl thing."

"Okay, suit yourself. How's the paper cut?"

"Huh? Oh! Fine. It's fine," she said as she self-consciously flipped her hand to her chest and held the top closed. Again she noticed Elliot, and then caught Dean's glance at her blouse. "Okay, well, I'm going now…"

"We're doing lunch tomorrow, Benson. My treat."

"Dean, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why, because of Stabler? He's fine. Lunch has got nothing to do with work. We're not raping up this case anytime soon. You and me- lunch. Tomorrow."

"It's not that. I just don't mix business with pleasure."

"Pleasure? Well geez, I was just thinking we'd get Chinese, but if you-"

"Hey HEY! You heard the woman, she doesn't want to eat lunch with you," Elliot jumped as he headed back towards Dean. "That's pretty chauvinist of you Mr. professional."

"I'm taking a friend to lunch. What's that got to do chauvinism? And who said it was any of your business?"

"I don't know Captain Cologne, could it be the way you've been gawking at her chest all morning or your slimy demeanor peppered with the worst pick up line I've ever had to witness. And she is my business."

"Oh- and that's not crossing a line! Does she know about your business mixing with hers? What is your problem?"

Elliot got in his face and pushed him away from Olivia "You want to know what my problem is, your high and mighty attitude. Stop getting in the way of this case, do your job, trust me…and quit hitting on my partner at work. It may not offend her, but it offends me. For a federal agent I'm not impressed by your moral at all."

"Elliot," Olivia gapped.

Dean flipped his hair to the side and turned down the hallway. "Stabler, you're way out of line!"

"Am I!?

"Elliot," Olivia intervened. "Both of you, stop! Dean, I don't do lunch dates with men I work with unless we're accompanied with another co-worker. It's a personal rule mine." That was a lie. "Elliot, stop drawing conclusions. I don't know what either of you're issues are, but you both need to suck it up before your personal…things.. mess up this case."

Dean and Elliot stood on opposite sides of the hallway and nodded in agreement.

They both mumbled an apology and Dean glanced at the two detectives before heading towards the bathrooms.

Elliot's tense stance melted away. "Nice cover up story."

"What is your deal," She snapped.

" I don't like him."

"Well, that's obvious. Elliot, you're judging a book by its' cover and I can see your anger. Don't even try to ignore it. If I hadn't been standing here you would be on probation right now."

"Liv…Okay, you're right. But the guy thinks just because he makes two figures more than me that he knows something that I don't. He makes me feel like I'm at a job interview and I have no credentials. It's bullshit. And I'm not going to work a job just to blow his department's dick. If they want my help then they gotta start taking me seriously. The only reason they wanted to use our department in the first place is to have something to blame when they lose Moore for the tenth time in four years."

Elliot's temper roared to a fiery ball of red and then defused itself as he gazed at Olivia standing next to him with her, ever gleaming supportive understanding eyes. It was all the confidence he needed to get through this federal mind fuck that he'd been thrown into.

She flinched a bit and got a hold of herself. "Okay."

"So where we eating?"

"We're not eating anywhere. I have a date with Casey. Girl talk."

"Oh..."

Elliot scratched his head.

"Sorry, Charlie. Tomorrow?"

Elliot's bottom lip pushed out like it unconsciously did when he wasn't getting his way and he nodded slightly.

The elevator opened and Olivia stepped in. She could see the disappointment on his face and it was almost enjoyable. If anything she was glad to know that he did or could actually miss her and that maybe she didn't dream that kiss. "El."

"Yeah."

"I'll even make up a cover story for you."

He smiled "Better be creative or you're fired."

"Come on, would I settle for anything less than creative?"

"Say hi to Casey for me."

The elevator doors closed and Olivia's mind began to race with a million mixed feelings and images. What was she was supposed to believe? Was Elliot giving her signals or was she confusing 'signals' with friendship? The torment was becoming impossible to live through and even more difficult to detect. Why in god's name did she have to fall for him? As the elevator started down to the first floor the jolting movement sent her stomach into a whirlwind of panicky butterflies. It didn't seem to matter where she went or what she did, he was always there. Again she thought of the picture on his desk and realized that the only recent photos of her life all contained him in every shot. The pictures flashed quickly through her thoughts and she grabbed the wall of the elevator and closed her eyes tightly to make it stop. It was like a disease that had no cure. The doors opened and she stepped into the lobby. Just when she thought her head couldn't get any more clouded a bright flash popped in front of her.

"Merry Christmas! Photo for a dollar? All proceeds go to the Salvation Army."

The Salvation Army Santa Claus flapped a Polaroid picture in Olivia's face.

"No thanks. I already gave at the office."

"Jesus doesn't like liars, detective."

The man followed her to the open doors flipping the picture next to her ear. "Look how nice you look in your red blouse and your winter ensemble. Don't you want to capture this moment of charitable kindness forever?"

"No," Olivia snapped.

She turned around, grabbed the picture from his hand, looked at her lonely image, and ripped it in half.

"Harass me again and I'll have you removed from our lobby. You got it?"

The Santa watched her leave the building and picked up the torn photo. "Merry F-ing Christmas to you too…Olivia."


	8. Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

**AN: I'm so in the mood to sing Jingle balls…I mean, bells. Go! Sing! Okay, enough. Okay, I have nothing really to say except that you all rock! Have fun! Peace out. Merry Chrismakwanzick! And MrsLee and Sam I will be reviewing your fics later this evening when I return home from the wonderland that is my insane job! ****I totally ran out of time. OWWW, but ****I get to be Glinda the good witch tonight. I've been talking like a the bastard child of a fairy all day. I hope it didn'teffect the end of this fic too much. BLAH! Onward! **

**Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This**

"Hey," Olivia smiled as Casey sat down across from her at the café.

"So are we done fighting, " Casey said with a hint of mild warmth that vibrated from her gruff vocal chords.

Olivia sighed in embarrassment. "I know, I'm…I've been a terrible friend. Casey, I truly am sorry."

"Well, don't be too sorry, I deserved some it. And let's not kid ourselves, after the accident, I did say some pretty uncalled for things behind your back, so we're even."

Olivia smirked and took a sip of her tea. "Really, what kind of uncalled for things?"

"Oh, it's not worth repeating. Just know that I take it all back. So how are you," Casey asked in all seriousness. She watched her dear friend's eye glance up at her and then back down to the old stained coffee mug.

"I'm good."

"Really?"

"Oddly enough, really. I…feel, god, I don't know Case, I feel right where I need to be. I'm not sure why, but I stopped fighting it. I feel excepted this way. It's comforting and releasing."

Olivia had a brightness about her that Casey hadn't seen in years. "Why do you think that is?"

"Well, I've either had a change of heart or that bump on the head was exactly what I needed to jolt me back to life," She lightly laughed. "I think I just needed to come to terms with us being the way we are. Gosh, Casey, I held Kathy in my arms…while she gave birth. I saw her placenta and helped cut the cord. I held her tiny baby in my arms. She made me the godmother. She calls me everyday, did you know that?"

Casey looked at her with a blank stare. "How do you feel about that?"

"I think...I like it. I think, Elliot, even kind of enjoys it. He's been treating me like part of his family. I mean, don't get me wrong. It was weird at first. It was…painful at first. And she knows. I know she knows I love her husband, but she's not afraid of it."

"Really? She's not afraid of it, but she has to call you everyday."

"Well, I guess I never thought of it that way. She's certainly good at hiding the fear if it's there."

"Okay," Casey said with an uncertain sarcasm. "So now what?"

Olivia got strangely quiet, she was never really good at revealing herself to other people, but again she listened to that peaceful nerve in the center of her mind, that instinct that she'd just recently come to terms with. Meekly (as meek as Olivia could get) she looked up from her tea and her face was almost beaming. "Casey, I have to tell you something and you have to promise that you won't judge me and that you won't tell a soul. You have to promise that you'll just allow me to have this one moment without any negative remarks or realistic ties. Can you do that?"

Casey grabbed her hand and smiled. "Liv, I'd do anything for you, you know that."

"In the hospital, when I was coming out of unconsciousness, he kissed me. He held my hand, caressed it, even, and then he kissed me."

Casey's grip started to tighten on Olivia's hand. "What did you do?"

"I kissed him back."

"And?"

"And then nothing. Kathleen caught us and …and now there's nothing."

"What do you mean, nothing? Has he said anything to you since?"

"No…it's…he wouldn't. That's not like him."

Casey scoffed at bit. She was the kind of girl who could never just pretend something like a kiss never happened. Her forward personality did its' best not to judge Olivia's willingness to avoid certain circumstances, but she was in no way able to hold in the absurdity of it all. "Olivia, if he's not going to say something then you have to."

"No! No, I could never do that. Obviously he's not bringing it up for a reason. I don't want to be the one who breaks up that family. Kathleen already hates me. I can tell by the fire in her eyes every time Kathy invites me to dinner. That, and I trust him to bring it up when the time is right."

"Liv, are you sure this even happened?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Look, Casey, he's going to bring it up."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know him, and there's a reason why he isn't and it's not because he doesn't want to."

Casey looked around for the waitress that never came, and then grabbed Olivia's tea to get a taste of caffeine into her perplexed system. "So what, you're gonna wait nine more years for him make the next move. Olivia, you've got to act on this now, before he gets too comfortable. You know he's terrible at making the first move."

Olivia's eyebrows lifted. "Don't judge a book by its' cover. Elliot is not as pious as you'd think. Apparently, he dated a lot more than Detective Crazy, while I was gone."

"Well if that's true, then he would have made the moves on you by now, don't you think?"

Casey's conclusion was not the first time Olivia had questioned Elliot's lack of action when it came to her, but for one reason or another she wouldn't believe it. "It's hard to pin point, Case, but he and I…we're different from…his usual relationships. I think it scares him. Ah, I don't know. I just know, that I'm content to give him the space and explore the possibilities that life has to offer me, even if that means…dating other men again."

"Olivia, that's healthy, but how can you just sit back and not say anything? If he's that important to you, why ignore it? You can't tell me that you're fine about sharing him with Kathy? She's getting all the benefits. House, kids, sex-"

"Oh, no, there's no sex."

Casey lifted a brow at Olivia's stockerish answer.

"Kathy tells me," Olivia continued "She wanted me to drop hints about the issue, but I told her I refused to talk about that kind of thing with a co-worker."

"Wow, that's weird."

"It is, isn't it," Olivia mumbled.

Casey pondered the thought of Elliot and Olivia actually making it. She knew that Elliot and Kathy couldn't be as happy as they appeared to be, because she'd sent the divorce papers in for them a long time ago. If Elliot had been committed to Kathy he would have renewed those vows long before now. This new information just helped her to call the verdict. "Okay, Liv, so maybe you're right. Let him bring it up. You know him better than I. That's fine, but I will not allow you to sit by the phone."

"Like I would. Please, do I look like that kind of a woman?"

"No," Casey smirked. "But you're doing all kinds of unusual things lately, so I have to keep my eye on you. You're going on a date with me tomorrow."

"Well, that's a fine offer, but I gave up women in college."

Casey chuckled. "You lezzy you. No, I mean, I'm going out tomorrow for a night of Christmas Eve fun with a certain guy I've been sort of seeing, and you and a random bachelor number one are joining me."

"Oh really now. Does your certain guy have an unfortunate first name and the ability to predict mapquest without even opening a computer?"

"Ah, excuse me…Manhattan is only 2 miles long, and he's got a good memory. Don't belittle his intricacies. But I will say you are right about the name. Very unfortunate."

Olivia laughed. "For a sex crimes detective….Ah, yeah, that's got to be the worst!"

"So are you in or what?"

Olivia clenched her teeth and breathed in with uneasiness. "I don't know. I never liked blind dates. Who are you going to ask?"

"Come on I have to black mail you some how. You know my secret."

"Oh, yeah, what secret? You and Lake are about as subtle as a Cragen's Vodka breath."

The two of them laughed and reminisced as the lunch hour went by.

"Where the hell is that Waitress," Casey yelled.

**SCENE**

"Stabler, you better have a plan B or this guy is walking out of here and I'm up shits creek," Porter steamed.

Elliot rifled through the files on Eric Borgen, A.K.A. Clement Moore. Normally he wouldn't be so nervous, but Porter was taking this case way too personally. He took a few deep breaths to try and release an idea, but nothing was coming to him. "Okay, Porter, Joseph said that this guy was always getting fired for stealing. He was never caught as a molester or even as the murderer. The only thing linking him to the crime is Joseph's gut and his finger prints on the Santa costume zipper."

"Yeah, yeah, I know this, Stabler. Tell me something that will convict him. Being fired for stealing isn't getting him to confess murder."

Elliot looked through the two-way mirror and watched the heavyset man sitting behind the table. He looked serine and innocent even. The wheels started to turn in Elliot's head as he watched the man calmly staring out of the barred up window.

"Why would this guy steal? And what did he steal? I can't imagine this guy needing anything. He looks pretty well kept. Put together. What would he need that he … that's it! What did he steal?"

"What does it matter," Porter sighed as he pulled at his thick mane of hair.

"No, I've seen it before. The act of stealing and begin reprimanded for the act, triggers the killer inside of him. We have to brain storm that idea for a second. Joseph said that he told him he grew up in an orphanage. Maybe a bad memory is causing him to do these things."

Dean shook his head and grabbed the file from Elliot's hand. "Look, we got nothing. Even if you're theory were right, I can't hold him here on that."

"But we can question him?"

"No, actually we can't!"

Dean slammed the door in Elliot's face. Elliot closed his eyes and held back the anger. He could hear Dean telling Mr. Borgen that he was free to go. The sound of Porter's voice was like a jolt of irritation. He had to get out of there. He was already working an hour over time. Without even saying good-bye he walked through the FBI headquarters, grabbed his coat, and headed for the streets. Kathy had called him several times, but he wasn't in the mood to speak to anybody. Frustrated, he got into his car and headed to Queens. The whole time is head swam with the conversation he had with Joseph. Joseph was so sure that this was our guy, but after meeting him, Elliot was beginning to think Porter was right. He got to the stop light and the unanswered questions nagged at his thoughts. He checked his watch one more time and with a grunt swerved towards Olivia's building.

Once there he stood next to the intercom. His finger itched to hit her button, but he passed it and landed on Joseph Clemmons.

The old man's feisty voice rang through the streets loudly from the speaker.

"HELLO!"

"Hi, Joseph, it's Detective Elliot Stabler with the-"

"I know who you are."

Within minutes Elliot was up stairs and heading towards Joseph's opened door. He glance passed it towards Olivia's corner. She had a Christmas wreath up, which was unlike her. He knew she was home but he wasn't about to make temptation that much harder to resist. Joseph interrupted his thoughts.

"Come on in already."

An hour of sifting through Joseph's thoughts was like trying to get past a thousand old jokes and ridiculous stories. Elliot was exhausted.

Joseph continued with enjoyment. "Eric liked to steal candy. Mars bars to be exact. I haven't the foggiest idea why, but it was a big inside joke with the rest of us Sanats that if anyone was an illegal alien it was Borgen. He was stealing those bars to get back to his planet. EB phone home! EB phone home!" Joseph chuckled a bit. The pause left an opening for Elliot to head for the door, but Joseph kept talking. "I remember one guy used to do magic. God damn, was he ever annoying. Constantly asking us to pick a card. Pick a card. Pick a card. Then you'd pick one and he'd pull it out of your ass or your ear or something stupid like that. He had not patter, no skills. He wasn't even funny. He just kept making you pick a card, pick a card. Well I didn't want to pick a fucking card yeah know. I told him one night I said ', You want to see a magic trick? Bend over and I'll make this cane disappear.' Ha ha ha…oh yeah, that was a good time that I had with those old farts."

Elliot could here Christmas music playing next door and all of the sudden he wasn't even listening to Joseph anymore. He grabbed his coat from a chair next to the door and turned the knob. "Well, Joseph, I have to get going. You said it was St. Francis Orphanage, right?"

"Right, right, just down on 1st and Broadway. I used to go to school with them. I don't know if they're still up and running, but I'm sure somebody will know something."

"Okay, Merry Christmas Joseph."

"Oh, oh , thank you, I'm Jewish."

"Really? A Jewish San-"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You should of saw the look on you face though."

Elliot smiled and shook his head. "Later Joe."

"Good-bye."

The door closed and Elliot was left standing next to the elevator. The Christmas music coming from her apartment was taunting him like a Siren from the Odyssey. His Homer complex took over the logic in his brain and when the elevator door opened he didn't get inside. He turned and knocked on her door.

Her voice rang from behind the wreathed peephole. "Who is it?"

"It's Ellio-"

"Elliot!"

She unlatched her door and welcomed him with one of her intoxicating smiles.

"I thought you didn't do Christmas," He jabbed.

She stood with tinsel wrapped around her shoulders and a tree ornament in her hand. "I don't, usually, but something came over me. Let me turn down my music."

Carol Carpenter sang Christmas in the background. "Santa looked a lot like daddy. And daddy looked a lot like him."

Elliot closed her door and walked over to the partially decorated tree. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"Oh, I was never big on the daddy songs anyway. What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"I was talking to Joseph." Lightly he touched the old baby shoe on the tree. "This yours?"

"Yep," she smiled.

"Where'd you find this pitiful looking tree?"

The tree was tiny and not much to look at, even with all of the decorations on it.

"It was one of the last ones at the market. I could have bought a nicer one, but this one looked like it needed a home."

"Always looking out for the underdog."

"Of course," she said as she continued to place the ornaments on the tiny sapling.

He watched her happily decorate. She was almost like a child. He'd never seen this side of her before. The way she gently unwrapped each ornament like it was a sacred memory. Her cheeks beaming with a rose colored hue. "Is Simon coming over for Christmas?"

"No, I'm going over there."

"That's good."

She felt his eyes watching her and gave him a questioning glance. "I can feel your thoughts."

"Yeah, what are they saying?"

She ignored the question and reached for the next dusty ornament box.

"I haven't put these ornaments up since before I was a teenager. They've been sitting in my storage unit since my mom died. I got this terrible urge for the presence of my mother. Damn, holidays. So I decided to open up the old Christmas boxes. It was one thing that she and I had fond memories of. Christmas decorations, her old records, and hot chocolate. Is that wrong?"

"She's you're mother, Liv. I'm glad to know that you miss her."

Her back was to him and his approval made the fragile glass ball fall from her hand. It's tiny pieces scattered across the hardwood floor. They both jumped at the sound of it.

"These little guys always break so easily."

Elliot pushed her hand from the glass. "I got it."

Her fingers placed a few of the pieces into his hand. Their eyes were on the floor, but their bodies were so close that touching would have killed the warm vibrations of energy jumping from each of their ora's. Cheek to cheek, and then nose to nose. Finally Elliot got all the pieces in his hand and looked up. His face was inches from hers and the connection their eye contact made was enough to send both of them into a speechless frozen position. Elliot could feel her sweet breath on his lips and he leaned in adjusting his head ever so slightly. She closed her eyes, but just as the tingling energy of his lips got close enough for her to feel his warmth she pushed away. "Kathy invited me to Dinner tomorrow night."

Elliot's insides were rolling with fear and hormones. He quickly walked to the kitchen in hopes that her counter would hide the semi under his slacks. "Kathy invited you. That's nice."

Olivia quickly reached for the next record and pretended to be interested in the cover. "Yeah, but I'm going out with Casey. Tell her that if anything changes I'll take you guys up on the offer."

"Right."

Their backs remained facing each other. Elliot looked at the sink and Olivia futzed with the record player.

When she turned around he was standing next to the door with a bewildered look on his face. "I'm gonna go. I'll see you...tomorrow maybe."

"Yeah."

Olivia nervously watched him leave. Casey's words hung on the tip of her mind. "Elliot."

He turned to face her. His thoughts were just as wrung as hers. She could see the struggle written in his eyes. She knew he wanted to acknowledge it, but she wouldn't be like Kathy and force him a decision.

"Merry Christmas…you know, if I don't see you."

He nodded, and then pulled her into a long hug. "Merry Christmas."

Without looking back at her face he quickly disappeared into the hallway. All of Olivia's fears and uncertainties returned in a packaged image of Elliot's abandonment. She wanted to have faith that he'd come around or that life would permit her to move on, but their story was beginning to sound like a broken record.

George Michael played in the background. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. Special."

Quietly she sat in the middle of her couch and sobbed uncontrollably. "Mom, if you can hear me, I need a miracle."

**AN: Don't forget to give me all your loven'...all your hugs and kisses too. Singing. I sing to frigg'n much somebody shoot me! **


	9. Responsibilities

**AN: Wow, I just wrote this in like a day. That never happens, but I really needed this chapter. It's long, and it may have a few typos, but it's worth it. GO! Have at it! P S If you have a thing about cusing heads up. I swear, therefore Olivia swears. It's my story and I'll cuss if I want to. Just a heads up. ENJOY!  
**

**Responsibilities **

Olivia sat in the mirror looking at her worn reflection. Her hair was fixed just so with that modern short cut. The bangs perfectly settled to the side like a trendy mistake made by the wind. The black eyeliner evenly brought the shape of her intrinsic eyes into focus and her flawless skin held on for the last years of young perfection as she did her best to age gracefully and hide the things that wouldn't. She lightly touched the laugh lines on the side of her face and took in a stilted breath of air. She usually felt proud about her scars of laughter, but today she wanted to be thirty again. A blanket of panic had taken over her mental state since Elliot's departure last night, and the longer she sat in front of that mirror the more she wanted to call Casey and cancel the whole evening. The familiar throbbing sensation in the center of her head started its unharmonious medley once again. She'd thought that it might have gone away since the doctors gave her medicine for it after the accident, but the stress of life kept nagging it to return. She desperately tried to ignore the sound of its' throb and just as it seemed to settled a bit the curse of her cell phone broke its' gentle rhythm.

"Casey?"

"Hey, we're all down stairs waiting for you, my dear."

She heavily smiled to herself. "Okay...I'll...," she paused thinking about the possibility of bailing out. Her thin wrist watch ticked to 6pm and the early hour forced her to follow through with the plan. "I'll be right down."

Quickly she applied lipstick, took another glance at the red satin dress she'd chosen, and headed for the door.

Casey stood in the lobby and greeted her with an unusually large grin on her face. "Okay, now I don't want you to freak out, so I'm gonna give you a heads up."

Olivia's confident shoulders slunk downward with annoyance. "Please don't say that to me right now. It took every last inch of date worthy baggage to leave my apartment."

"No, no, no, it's not that bad, I just couldn't get the guy I wanted to come out with you tonight, but this guy is just as good- no better." Casey grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the streets. "You're gonna have fun. God, you look amazing. Where do you get your hair done? And that coat. Where did you get that coat?"

Olivia looked down at the long off white winter wool dress coat and picked at the button nervously. "Macy's," was all she could get out before Casey dragged her down the steps and stopped her in front of Lake's fancy BMW.

"Damn, how much are they paying him again?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "Please, it's the only thing the man owns. You should see his empty closet of an apartment. I just thank god he's not the kind of guy who insists on being the bread maker, because I am not about to sleep on that futon in the middle of that claustrophobic room."

Olivia let out a light smile just before the back door opened and Dean Porter stepped out. "I told you I was taking you out for a meal if it killed me," he smiled.

For some reason Olivia had a passion for hating Dean Porter. Without skipping a beat her bitchy comebacks came rolling out effortlessly. "Blind date or not, Porter, my aim is impeccable, so don't temp me with the suicide pick up line."

Casey's elbow hit the side of Olivia's arm. "Ow!"

"She's joking Dean. Joking! Ha!"

"I know," he winked.

Dean held the door open and attempted to help her into the back seat.

"I got it thanks," Olivia said as she pulled her hand away from his.

As soon as the doors were closed Lake's cell went off. "Hi, Liv- hang on."

He flipped open the phone before pulling away. "Cap, what's up?"

Fear ran down Olivia's spin. She was all too familiar with that ring. This could not be happening right now.

"Okay, I'll be there in five-ten minutes."

Olivia watched Casey's body language crumble and she knew she wasn't the only one thinking it. The double date was over. Olivia couldn't count the number of times the f word ran through her head as Lake flipped the phone closed and sighed.

"Well, guys, we're gonna have to do this another night."

_"FUCK ME,"_ Olivia shouted from the depths of her thoughts. She had to get out of that car before the inevitable happened.

"Aw, Chessy, come on, why can't Fin or Munch do it," Casey whined.

"Call Munch, Lake. He's gotta be available," Olivia added.

"He can't do it even if he could," Lake shrugged. "It's for the Rigby case. The little boy will only talk to me. Case, babe, you're gonna have to come in too."

Casey glanced back at Olivia, whose eyes were piercing a hole right through her skull and screaming for her not to leave her with Porter. When Olivia could see that Casey wasn't going to bail her out she took things into her own hands.

"Well, hey, you know, I have a terrible headache anyway," Olivia added reaching for her door. "It's probably for the best."

"No, Liv," Casey grabbed. "You have to go out. You guys are all done up. Here, take my credit card and that will get you into the VIP room at the Cringle Club."

"Casey, I can't take that."

"The guys know me there. It will be fine. We'll even drop you off. Ches, it's on the way, we have to at least drop them off."

Dean was starring at Olivia. She knew he could tell she was uncomfortable. She had to take down the desperation for de-part-tation a notch. "Dean, you don't want to go without them right? It wouldn't feel right. Let's just reschedule. Can we do that," she smiled.

Dean nodded. "Whatever makes you happy, Olivia."

Dean was a little metro, possibly even vain, but he was no ass. He wanted Olivia when she was ready for him. "You do look very wonderful tonight though, I must say. Are you sure you don't want to go out for at least one drink?"

"Come on, Liv," Chester nudged. "Go out for a drink with the man. He wore a suite."

"He always wears a suit."

"Liv, you don't have to go to the club, just go have a drink. It will get rid of your headache. And I have Aspirin."

Olivia's hardened blush melted as Casey handed her a bottle of pills and smiled. That and Dean looked like a rejected wall flower on prom night. She caved in. "Okay, one drink. Sure. Let's go, Dean."

The two of them hopped out of the vehicle just as quickly as they had gotten into it. Lake and Casey repeated their genuine apologies over and over again until Olivia was safely next to Dean on the sidewalk.

"I understand, go help that little boy. Good night. Merry Christmas," Olivia smiled.

"Any ideas on a place," Dean asked.

"There's a cocktail bar just a block over."

They headed down the snowy sidewalk. Olivia's heals crunching in the snow. Light snow flakes danced in the night air and if Olivia hadn't been so distracted she may have actually enjoyed herself. Just as Dean was about to tell her the last time he'd gone on blind date, her cell phone went off.

"Good lord, I swear, some days I just want to smack down the man that invented these things," she said with light jest. "Hello."

The voice on the other end was whimpering and sniffling through sobs of tears. "Ollllllliviaa."

"Kathy?"

"Liv, I need you to...I know...you're...out, but...Elliot is...OH, I did something terrible."

Olivia grabbed Dean's arm and they stopped under the awning of a nearby store.

"Kath, slow down, take a breath. What did you do?"

Kathy took in a few weak breaths and Olivia could hear voices shouting in the back ground.

"Kathy what's all of that noise?"

"Elliot...I need you to come. He's really upset. And he's been drinking...and then he punched and I couldn't stop him...the kids...upset... I just...Oh I couldn't take it anymore...I had to...You're the only one that can...for him...I had to do it..."

"Kathy I don't understand you. What happened? Are you hurt?"

A whine of tears came pouring through the phone. "He's furious...out of control..."

Olivia could only understand bits and pieces of what she was saying. "Dean, we gotta go to Queens." She placed the phone away from her mouth and whistled for a Taxi.

"What are you doing," Dean said grabbing at her hand. "We don't need a cab."

"I don't have a car, Dean."

"Oohhhh," Kathy sobbed. "That's all my fault tooooooo...oh god...Lord have mercy on my wicked heart...Peter, Paul, Mary, and all the saints in heaven forgive me of my sins...I k now not what I do...My stupid fault. I..am... a horrible person."

Olivia held her free hand over her ear to try and hear Kathy. "Kathy, I'm coming over right now. You're not a horrible person."

Dean held Olivia by the waist and directed her to his car just outside of her apartment building. She was so involved in the phone conversation that she didn't even notice that she was in the car and headed for the highway. "Kathy, stay on the phone with me. Where is Elliot now?"

"I don't know. Downstairs."

"Where are the kids?"

"I don't know."

"Did he hit you?"

"OHHHHHHHH...I don't know what to do."

"Kathy, who did he hit?"

Just as Olivia started to ask her more questions she could hear Kathy drop the phone. A door opened and the sound of glass smashing and EJ crying could be heard in the back ground. "Kathy? Kathy, pick up the phone. Kathy! Fuck! Give me your phone."

Dean scrambled for his cell. "Maybe you should call the cops."

"We are the cops. We're not calling the Queens precinct. They're a bunch of circus clowns and Elliot has no more warnings left."

"Well, maybe there's a good reason for that."

Olivia grabbed the cell from his hand. "For circus clowns? Yeah, it's called inbreeding."

"No, I meant... you know what I meant," he mumbled.

"We don't know what happened. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

Olivia dialed Elliot's phone several times and he wouldn't answer it. "Damn it, Stabler!"

When they finally reached Elliot's house they could see all of the lights inside were on. In fact, it looked warm and inviting from the front yard. Olivia didn't even wait for Dean to stop the car; she jumped out and ran for the front door. It was locked, so she rang the bell. Elliot's voice could be heard yelling from within.

"Elliot! Kathy! It's Liv, open the door."

She pounded on the wood and tried to peek in through the side window.

Dean jogged up behind her. He'd taken his coat off and started rolling up his sleeves.

"What are you doing," she cried with that angry wrinkle in the center of her forehead.

"Getting ready to hold down an out of control cop. What's it look like I'm-"

The front door opened and Elliot stood behind the screen door. His face was flushed, his hands were a bloody mess, and he was out of breath. He took in Olivia and the anger fell from his face briefly. Dean pushed Olivia to the side and Elliot slammed the door into his face.

"Dean! Stop. Calm down. You let me handle this, you got it. Or I will call the Queens cops and it won't be for spousal abuse. I really don't want to have to tazer anybody tonight, okay." Olivia gave him an extra long glare to show him that she meant business before pushing him away from the door and entering the house.

"Elliot."

When she got inside all five Stabler children were sitting on the steps looking at her with deep wide blue eyes. Maureen held EJ and she took a few steps towards Olivia. "Liv, Dad just spazed out. I think he may have killed that guy."

"What?"

Maureen started to cry and Olivia guided her to sit back on the steps. "Stay here, sweetheart. I got it."

She rounded the corner and found the dining room thrown about into a hellacious mess of glass, paper, and wood. Their entire dinner including the plates and the furniture were smashed and broken all over the floor. Framed pictures and school projects were littered around the debris. Further towards the back she could see Elliot sitting in a chair with his head in his hands and his back towards Kathy, who was crying over top of an unconscious man.

"Oh my god, Elliot...Kathy, back up."

Olivia climbed over the dining room towards them, all the while keeping her eyes on Elliot. He didn't move. He didn't even look up at her. When she reached Don Sheffield she knelt down beside him and checked his pulse. He was still breathing, but his face was pretty messed up. "Kathy, go get some towels and some ice. Dean, call an ambulance."

Dean looked at Olivia from the doorway and she nodded for him to leave the room.

All was quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. "Elliot...," Olivia softly said towards him. She didn't dare move. He sat still. His hands on the sides of his head. His eyes blankly starring at the ground.

"El...whatever happened here tonight...needs to be talked about. You can't-"

"She invited that man into my house, had sex with him in my bed, and then fed him food that I paid for and prepared...all while I sat not ten feet away. I caught them sneaking a mistletoe kiss right after dinner...I snapped. I don't even know why. I don't care about it. I just thought...she would have handled the situation away from my children."

Olivia pushed a piece of hair away from her face and stood up. She stood in the middle of the mess and even though her satin red dress bunched at the waist she was angelic. She aimlessly moved towards him. Her eyes taking in every inch of his pain. That throb in the center of her mind started to beat like an out of control drum. "Elliot, people make mistakes. You both knew this wasn't working. It was a time bomb waiting to happen. You should have gone to counseling before moving back in with her. You knew it was wrong. It's time make amends and pick up these pieces before you hurt somebody or worse...Her bad timing does not account for this."

Elliot nodded his head. His hands fell to his sides. Without looking at her he grabbed for her hand and pulled her to the ground. She was almost nervous about being near him. The smell of Jameson permeated from his breath. She was never comfortable around an out of control drunk, but Elliot seemed to have settled into a calm sadness.

"Liv...thing is...I don't love her."

"Okay," Olivia said unable to say another word. He lifted his face to hers. The image was like a replica of her own sadness.

"I just thought she would have had more decency and respect for our family."

"Oh, Elliot, she does. But you can't blame her for all of this. Do you honestly think that beating up...this man, in front of your kids was any more decent?"

"No. But she... she's leaving. She's moving to Pittsburgh and she's taking EJ. She's just gonna leave her old family behind like a pair of worn out shoes. Taking EJ away from me. Taking my son. I hope that name haunts her for the rest of her bitter selfish life."

"Don't say things you're gonna regret when the storm passes. It will always pass, Elliot. Come on, you're Catholic, see her sins and look past them."

He choked back a few sobs and pulled Olivia into his arms. Helplessly he buried his reckless face into her shoulder.

"Why did you have to come here tonight?"

Olivia awkwardly placed her hand on his head. "Because you needed me. Because your family needed me."

"They do need you, Liv. We need you more than you know."

Olivia heard the floor boards creak from behind her and she pushed Elliot away. "Kathy you got the towels?"

She watched Olivia pull away from Elliot. Her eyes glared with hints of betrayal, but she oppressed the thoughts and handed over the old bath towel.

"Don," Olivia said as she began patting at his wounds. "Don, I'm a police officer, I'm here to help you. Can you hear me?"

Kathy leaned down and grabbed Olivia with her blood shot eyes. "I want you to take care of him. He's not a monster. I made him a monster. And I'm ready to let him go. For you. You promise me...that you'll be what he needs."

Olivia wasn't sure how to react. She wasn't sure if Kathy was talking about Elliot or Don, who lay bloody and lifeless in her hands.

She almost inaudibly breathed a "Yes." just to keep Kathy from becoming hysterical.

Dean watched from a distance and then started to unwrap the first-aid kit that Dickie handed him. He walked over to Elliot and began to clean his knuckles, while Olivia continued to nurse Don.

Don didn't react at first, but after a few nudges he began to come to. The ambulance came shortly after and he was wheeled out on a stretcher. Kathy followed him to the ambulance door. She stood shivering in the streets, and then climbed into the back of the truck. "Olivia, you take care of my family."

Olivia tried to pull her away from the ambulance. "Kathy, you're talking crazy. Come back inside. I'll drive you to the hospital when you get yourself together."

"No, I'm not going back in there. Olivia, let me go."

The doors shut and the family watched the truck drive away.

Kathleen was already headed to her car.

"Kathleen," Olivia yelled.

"I'm going to be with my mother," she said as she slammed the car door in Olivia's face.

Olivia felt filled with an immense burden. She walked to the front porch and grabbed the railing. Her head was spinning with panic and anxiety.

"You okay," Dean asked.

"Fine."

When she got herself together she pushed past Dean and began picking up the pieces. The rest of the evening was somber and distressing. Dean helped Elliot, Olivia, and the kids clean up the dining room. When all was said and done the six of them stood in the living room starring at each other. Elliot took the baby monitor from Maureen's hand. "Why don't you guys head to bed. Grandma will be here early tomorrow."

They each nodded and he hugged each one of them tightly before sending them up the stairs.

"Night Dad," Dickie said as he lagged behind his two sisters. "You think Mom is really going to move to Pittsburgh?"

"That's what she said," Elliot answered calmly and in all seriousness.

Dickie nodded and continued up the stairs. When each door closed Elliot sat in his recliner and Olivia flopped onto the couch out of exhaustion and shear shock from the whole evening.

"We probably should get going, Liv," Dean said as he tried his best not to hold Elliot's broken glances.

Olivia looked up at him and then to Elliot. The beating in her head began to move her towards unusual behaviors. She knew she should have gotten off of that couch. At least, that's what she would have done in the past, but the throbbing lulled her to stay. She glanced at her watch and made the first step to bring this life back to its' senses. "Dean, I'm gonna stay here tonight."

Dean's face held her eyes with question as he sauntered from one foot to the other. "Are you sure that's a good-...I can drive you home, Olivia. It's not a big deal."

Very plainly Olivia looked up at him with the face of a person who could some how find the heart to shine like a white flower in the middle of a mud swamp. Her warm eyes held his kindness and she gently replied ", I'm thirty-eight years old, I don't want to date anymore, and the man that I love needs me. I'm staying right here. Thank you for the offer, but maybe we can all do lunch sometime."

Elliot's face fell from his mouth. The silence was thunderous. Dean graciously nodded and headed for the door. "Goodnight then. You know where to find me. Happy Holidays."

The front door closed behind Dean and the two of them sat in the living room for a moment wading in the somehow peacefulness that had all of the sudden made its' way into the room. Elliot fixed his eyes towards Olivia and took in all of her wonders. She was an open book of mystery and familiarity. Not only was her patience like that of a saint but her legs went on for miles in those heels. She looked like a goddess adorned in red satin.

"And then there were two," Elliot finally said as she rejected his gawking advances. "Did you just turn down Dean Porter?"

"I did."

"To sit here with me?"

"Indeed I did," she nodded matter of factly. She was quite pleased with herself at the moment, but still hiding it from Elliot. He didn't deserve to be rewarded just yet, and she definitely wasn't the kind of woman who gave in easily, even when she did feel bad for the underdog.

"You cleaned my house in an evening dress and high heels."

"I certainly did," she said curtly in that sultry low voice of hers.

Elliot could see that she was still apprehensive by the way she avoided his light hearted attempts. He sighed heavily and sloutched in the recliner a little further.

"So I guess it's my turn to talk. God, I am truly an asshole. You are such a blessing that I don't deserve right now, Olivia Benson. Why are you even here? I am too ashamed to face you right now," he replied as he took his eyes away from hers and played with the baby monitor in his lap.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I am a coward. I could see this coming and I allowed it to happen. Don wasn't a surprise. I knew...a long time ago. And I didn't care. I wanted it to happen. You know, I couldn't even have sex with her. Not because of him, but because the whole time I felt dirty. I felt like I was betraying my kids. And mostly...betraying...this...myself...you." Quickly he glanced up at her. His cheeks turned red. "Meanwhile, I didn't even have the guts to talk to you...about anything. Hiding from it like a child. All this time I was waiting and somehow hoping that she would do the job for me. End it, I mean, so I would be forced to do what was meant for me. Instead of being a man and fighting my own battles I was pretending that something else, someone else, I don't know, god maybe, would just take it all away so that I could start over again. Then when it finally happened, when I finally caught them, I thought to myself ', Thank god. Thank you lord, you heard my prayers, I don't have to be the bad guy.' I even pretended to be upset about it, but then they started talking about being in love, and moving away... right there at the dinner table. Right in front of the kids. Right in the middle of our holiday moment. Our tradition...that we made. This evil disgusting thing laid out for the whole family to try like a tray of assorted cookies. EJ clinging to Kathy's breast. Elizabeth crying and Dickie yelling. Kathleen's eyes. God, I couldn't stand it. I couldn't believe that I had allowed her to take that responsibility and that because of my insecurities she was then forced to choose this path of destruction. And then she wasn't even tactful enough to wait."

"To wait for what?"

"I don't know a good moment. Anytime other than Christmas Eve dinner. I waited for Christ sake. She could have done the same for me...for the kids. I was angry for not being able to end it myself. And I was livid at her for choosing that moment to end it. I just started throwing things. Punching things. Don was trying to play the hero and I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop."

Olivia sat up from the couch and leaned in towards him. "You're a good man Elliot. Your upbringing causes you to hold in guilt. But it's okay that you made these mistakes. It's okay that your marriage didn't work out. It's okay that you're children have seen your flaws. You're okay. You're going to be okay," she repeated grabbing onto his arm.

He nodded. His eyes went wide with release. Her touch was like a tonic. The idea that she could accept him for who he was made the air that much easier to breathe. He closed his eyes and let down the last wall he would ever hold in front of her. Her fingers ran up his arm and he grabbed her hand and held the top of it like he would never let it go.

"Thank you," he gently replied. He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed them with all of the gratitude he could muster. Slowly he followed the line of her arm up to her stunningly beautiful shoulder. Ever so lightly he pulled her closer towards him and she followed his lead with ease. As their eyes read each others thoughts a light cry came from the monitor in Elliot's lap.

Olivia looked down at the blinking radio and smiled. "Not yet, Elliot Stabler. It's not time for that yet."

She kissed him on the forehead and started for the stairs.

"I'll get his milk," Elliot said as she disappeared. Never in Elliot's wildest dreams would have ever been able to imagine Olivia lightly prancing up the hardwood stairs of his house in a skimpy satin dress and the intentions of codling his child. He dropped the monitor on the couch and headed for the kitchen. Once he finished he made his way up the stairs and into EJ's room. There in the dark Olivia held his tiny body and swayed back and forth singing softly. "Give me a rainbow and yellow balloons, black sequins swirling to gay dancing tunes. A song for my pillow and stars for my eyes, and a masquerade ball where my love wins first prize."

Elliot placed his warm hand on the middle of her bare back and wrapped his arms around her. Her back nestled in the shape of his body as he placed the bottle toward EJ's crying mouth. His baby whimpers took the nipple like a champ and immediately grew still. "I didn't know you sang," Elliot mused.

"It's an old lullaby. I actually haven't thought of that song in a long long time. It was in a movie I saw as a kid. I used to sing it to my baby dolls."

Elliot closed his eyes and rested his cheek next to hers as they swayed gently side to side in each other's arms. Gently he nuzzled the side of her face and she returned his petting with an equal amount of movement. Slowly the rocking became united and the nuzzle grew longer. Elliot whispered softly next to her lips. "Liv, I love you."

She swallowed hard and slightly turned her head towards his lips. "I love you too."

The movement of her words ended in soft lip touches and then a pause of relaxed silence. Neither of them could remember a better reason to be alive. Here in the intricate action of skin against skin and delicate words becoming a reality.

AN: If you want more you gotta tell me hoes! I love yeahs! Peace out!


	10. Couplets

**AN: What can I say people, I'm on a Christmas roll here- and it ain't dinner time! I'm in a writing mood and I have vacation time. I'm going nuts! For those of you who wanted to know what the song in the last chapter was- I have no idea. My mom used to sing it to me and she said it was in a movie, but she can't remember the name of it. We think it might be called "This House is Condemed" which is actually quite fitting after this next chapter. Also- your reviews- They were so fun! Love love love it! I guess I need to have EO nuzzle more often. Geez louise! I think we're all just horny from lack of real EO. God-I'm so needing EO in tomorrow nights eppy. Wait, is tomorrow night new? Damn it better be. I need it! Ok enough blabbing. Enjoy!**

**Couplets **

'**Twas the night before Christmas, they all slept alone, **

**not a creature was stirring not even the phone. **

**Olivia slept soundly in the vacant Kathleen's bed. **

**Visions of Elliot danced in her head.**

**She and Elliot had just settled down after watching the snow. **

**The sky causing hues of silvery glow. **

**As the sun peeked its' way to the top of the trees. **

**The two weary hearts came together with ease.**

**She in his nightshirt, standing patiently near. **

**While he took careful measures to prove and endear.**

**Although they'd made no effort to physically sway, **

**they both could sense it would end up that way.**

**So Elliot kissed her and held her respectfully, **

**as not to act out of foolish transgression..ully????**

Olivia's right eyebrow lifted in question as she slept.

**Neither one of them knew what the future would hold, **

**and neither could prove that this was different or bold.**

**Call it love, call it nuts, call it anything silly. **

**Olivia blushing and Elliot controlling his willy.**

**But all was plotting, with each tick of the evening, **

**as each Stabler, baby, and Benson, fell apt to their dreaming.**

**SCENE**

Munch sat in one of the interrogation rooms holding a five-year-old little girl in his lap. She'd just fell into a deep sleep. Her tiny body was wrapped in a precinct blanket and her long brown hair hung from the side of his arm. Slowly he closed the Chanukah storybook as not to wake her. Fin poked his head into the room.

"Hey."

"Shhhh," Munch jumped enforcing a cold stare at Fin.

"Sorry." Fin grew quiet as he held out a cell phone. "We got the girl's parents on the phone. They're on their way."

"Great. Is Porter here yet?"

"No, but he was-"

"I'm here," Dean said in a breathless rush.

Both Fin and Munch loudly shooshed him.

"Kid just stopped crying," Fin whispered.

The little girl moved around in Munch's arms and then fell back into a blissful slumber.

"You find anything on the site," Fin continued.

Munch shot them both the look of death, but they kept on talking.

"Yeah, we got a candy bar wrapper and proof that Borgen worked part-time at the store she was taken from. He wasn't working today. But I got men searching the security cams right now."

Fin took a look at the wrapper. "Mar's bar. I didn't even know they made those anymore. Looks like you're guy's getting sloppy."

"Psh," Munch sputtered pointing to the child.

"Hopefully," Dean continued. "Hey, Elliot, did some research yesterday. Something about an orphanage. Do you guys know where he might have filed that information?"

Fin started to reply in full volume and Munch kicked him in the leg.

"Out there, please," Munch hissed.

Fin gave him a nancy pancy glare and walked towards the offices pretending to imitate Munch's nagging.

Once he reached Elliot's desk he started sifting through the papers. "Elliot isn't really into filing things these days. You can check here, but – why isn't he here? I thought he was working this case?"

Dean started opening drawers and avoided eye contact. "Ah, he's got family things."

"So."

"So, it's not necessary to have him paged. FBI is out looking for Borgen as we speak. I have plenty of men on the job. I just came to see what you guys got on this little girl and if any new info came in. Thanks for taking care of the victim, by the way."

"Thank Munch. He's been taking her tears and snot all night. I can already hear him bitch about the dry cleaning bill."

Fin walked over to his desk and grabbed a file. "We interviewed the janitor and the girl for you. The janitor who found them said that the guy was about six foot, wearing a Santa costume, little girl was screaming and blind folded. Janitor couldn't ID the perp, but the descriptions he did have for us fit the ID. Apparently he caught the man getting ready to choke her to death. After the janitor pulled the little girl away from him, he ran to a car parked next to the alley. Oh, and we did get a possible DNA sample from the janitor's fist. He punched the guy. It's at the lab now. So anyway, our Santa, got in the passenger seat and the car drove away. Black Ford Tuarus. Didn't get a plate number. Said it was too dark."

Porter looked at him crossly. "Passenger seat? So there were two of them?"

"I guess."

"Huh….okay, that's new. What about the girl?"

"She was blind folded. She doesn't know much or remember much. She said that Santa was taking her to get her present. When she got to the back of the store she saw black and doesn't remember anything until it got cold. She says the man told her that she would get candy and presents if she listened to him. She was kept blindfolded in the trunk of the car. The girl has been missing since this afternoon, but I don't think they had time to do any damage. She doesn't have any traces of being sexually assaulted.Very little bruising around the neck and arms. It's not much, but if the DNA matches, you can at least hold him for that."

Dean scratched his chin. "No, that's good. Great. It doesn't fit everything entirely, but…well maybe our last interrogation made him try something different."

"Or a copy cat."

"No, it's all been confidential."

Fin watched Dean pace and added a few of his own thoughts. "My only question is, why did they have her in that alley near the meat market? That's not his neighborhood."

Dean shook his head and then stopped in mid thought. There under Elliot's Superman paperweight was a piece of notebook paper with an address on it. "1675 First Ave. The orphanage."

Dean lifted the page from the desk, then frantically went through all of the paper on Elliot's desk.

Fin watched him and leaned over the desk. "Hey, why don't you just call him?"

Dean smacked the desk and glared at Fin. With a wiped to the brow and pulled himself together and headed for the door. "Yeah, I'll do that."

Fin watched him with that suspicious glare of his and said to himself ",Dude's got issues."

**SCENE**

Kathleen opened the front door and dropped her keys next to the small table near the coat rack. The house was still, except for the loud tick of the grandfather clock in the living room. She tiptoed her way to the stairs.

"Kathleen," Elliot mumbled through sleep driven flem.

She stopped and turned.

"Honey, Liv is your room, I didn't think you'd be home."

Lightly she huffed. "Still acting out the dog and pony show I see."

"Kathleen...don't start. I don't want to fight anymore."

"That's a first." Kathleen immediately turned and mumbled as she headed up the steps. "Well I have to get my things, so she's gonna have to deal."

Elliot pulled himself from the couch and searched his mind to find understanding for his daughter. "I was only letting you know. You can sleep in my bed or on the couch."

Again she stopped. "I'm not staying."

"Where you going?"

"Mom wants me to bring her the suitcases she packed, and I'll be staying with her."

Elliot rubbed his eyes to deaden the pain and wake the strong will within him. He'd only had a few hours of sleep and already the battle cries of ex-wives and child support were setting in. "Okay. That's fine. I...she...where will you be?"

"Don's house."

"And where is that?"

"I don't know yet. I have to get her stuff and then go pick them up at the hospital."

Elliot took in the deepest intake of oxygen to calm his annoyance. "Okay…well, EJ is going to need her by lunch time. Can you tell her that she's going to have to come home or call or something?"

"Yeah, well you're gonna have to give her time. She doesn't want to be here."

"I can leave the house. Tell her to come home. I can be out of here before you get back."

Kathleen shook her head angrily. "You don't get it Dad. It's not just you. It's this life. She can't be here or she'll get sucked back into it."

"So what she's just gonna leave? She has a child that physically needs her. You tell her she's to come home. I will be out of here within the hour. I won't come within thirty feet of her or Don or anybody else she'd like to add to the list. I just want this to be over, is that understood?"

Elliot stood up and started for the steps. Kathleen flinched like he was going to hit her. He stopped himself and held onto his head for serenity. " I'm so sorry for all of this. Kathleen, I love you and I hate that this happened the way it did. You don't have to forgive me right now, but please don't ever forget that I love you."

Kathleen's eyes grew red with burning tears. "I know that." Before he could get any closer she turned and headed for her bedroom.

Elliot headed for his own bedroom with a heavy heart and opened the door for the first time in weeks. He'd been avoiding these walls ever since the accident. There in the corner of the room were four suitcases. He looked at them and wondered how long they'd been there. She'd obviously been planning this for quite sometime, but he was too wasted and set back to notice. He carried the bags down to Kathleen's car and placed them in the trunk. After the last bag was in, he saw that the zipper was coming undone on one of them and he pushed the clothing back inside to close it back up. Under the shirts were photo albums and family pictures that Kathy had taken from around the house. Every other photo was taken out of the sleeve from when they had originally separated. There lay the other half of their now officially divided memories. The thought of those days coming to an end for this new beginning was sinking.

As he stood in the snow with his slippers and bathrobe on, tears running down his face, Kathleen came up from behind him.

"Dad? You okay?"

He pulled her into his arms.

They stood in the driveway hugging for a long while. Kathleen was sobbing hysterically and when the moment felt complete she pushed him away. "I'll be back in two hours."

Elliot watched his baby girl and couldn't believe how mature she had grown over the past year. For the first time he felt like it was time he treat her like an adult and he decided to start by openly talking about the one thing that she'd been pleading him to admit to. "I'll be staying with Liv. No more act. Just me living the truth."

She stopped and nodded.

"You call me if you need anything. Tell you're my mom to call me when she's ready."

She wiped away the last tear and went to turn for the car. Before opening the door she could feel her father standing beside her ready to close the door after she'd gotten in. It was something he'd always done. Emotions were strong and without a second thought she turned and gave her Dad one more hug. "I love you too, Dad."

**SCENE**

**_"Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue_**

**_I'll wait up for you dear Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight."_**

Casey sang, terribly so, from a tiny Karaoke machine in the corner of the precinct office. The crew of unit members called in to work that day brought in a truckload of cookies and random holiday entertainment to keep them busy when the phones were dead.

Cragen was even par taking in the festivities. When Casey finished the song, Lake, Fin, Cragen, and a few of the office lackies cheered and whistled for the husky voiced ADA.

"Nice," Lake winked as she strolled past them and sat on his desk.

"Oh stop, you're only saying that cause I'm the only one who would go first. Cragen your up, my man."

"Oh no, I'd have to be drunk to do that, and you all know how that goes."

"How does that go," Munch poked with a sly grin.

Cragen's face went red and he straightened his tie. "Okay, I'll do one, but after that we gotta get some work done around here. You know after dinner we're gonna get swamped with drunken phone calls. "

"You keep saying that," Lake laughed. "but I don't know, so far we've been dea-"

Fin grabbed Lake's mouth quickly with his free hand. "Don't say that man, they'll here you. You wait…just as you get comfortable the crazies will be done visiting their mother's and we'll have the wives whacking the husbands and the husbands whacking the wives. Kids are being molested by Uncle Jermane as we speak. And there's always a bet on how many teenagers are going to get rapped between the hours of 10pm and 2am. Don't question the holiday rush. It's the worst time of year. Kick up your heals now, because the wrath will come."

Lake gave Casey an inside joke smile, but she just tilted her head and replied. "The man does not jest. Here have a cookie." She placed the chocolate chip cookie in his mouth and brushed her hands in the air before cackling towards Cragen who was slowly but surely headed for his office. "Don, where you going? I want to hear some Bing Crosby. Now!"

**SCENE**

Elliot rushed about the house gathering his things. "Maureen, I called your Uncle Billy, he's going to pick Grandma up and Christmas dinner will be at their house this year. If you guys feel up to it, stop by after you do gifts with your mom."

"Daddy, I don't want you to go," Elizabeth sighed.

"I'm not leaving you, I'm just giving your mother the space she deserves."

"She doesn't deserve anything," Dickie scoffed.

"Hey!"

Dickie, who was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree, threw his football in the air and landed with his back on the ground in a fit of anger. "Well she doesn't."

"Dickie, I don't want to hear you think that, let alone say it. She's your mom, and I'm sorry this happened on Christmas, but it did. I'll make it up to you."

"Right. Just like you were gonna take us on a real family vacation this year too. This whole thing is crap!" With that he got up and headed for the game room.

Elliot closed his eyes and let out the air that was building up in his tightly wound chest. Olivia stood in the corner of the dining room in Maureen's jogging pants and Elliot's T-shirt, placing Elliot's work files into a box. She did her best to bite her tongue and stay out of it.

Maureen walked up to her father and hugged him. "I understand Dad. We'll get this straightened, don't worry about us."

"Thanks baby girl."

Elizabeth crawled over to the tree and lifted a few presents under it. "Can't we at least open the ones that you gave us? I want you to open mine."

"Sure, sure. Dickie, you wanna do gifts," Elliot called to the other room. They could all hear the video game playing in the background.

"No!"

Maureen rolled her eyes. "Go on Bethie, give Dad his gifts. I'll get yours and mine. Liv, we got you something too. You have to come in here and open it."

"Me? Why in heaven's name would you do a thing like that?"

Olivia walked into the room and stood next to the couch.

"Because you're totally awesome, why wouldn't we get you a gift," Elizabeth answered as she handed Olivia a small box.

Olivia laughed. "Did you here that? I'm awesome. That's a first."

Elliot smiled at her as she sat on the edge of the couch away from him.

"Come here," he said with a playful grin.

"No," she blushed.

"Yes."

With a foolish air he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards him. She gave him the "This is inappropriate eyeball" and he rubbed her knee assuring her that it wasn't. Nervously she sat beside him with his arm around her shoulder and the girls' gift in her hand. The position felt soon and unsure, but Elliot knew his kids better than she did.

The girls warmly ignored their closeness and started handing Elliot his presents and stacking up their own.

"What about the ones that say from both of you," Elizabeth asked.

"Save them for Mom."

"Why, does that mean she bought them," Maureen jested.

"Don't put a man down when he's already low, Maur," Elliot said grabbing the box from her hands.

"Liv, you're first," Elizabeth smiled.

"Oh! Okay." She sat up straight with her back away from Elliot's touch. Although it didn't seem to matter, he placed his hand on the center of her back anyway. Her nerves were causing a frenzy of flushed skin and cute nose wrinkles as she delicately pulled at the paper. She'd never actually had Christmas with a family of this caliber before. Everybody watching her as she unwrapped the corners of the box was exciting and odd. She just wished she could allow herself to enjoy it more. The idea of her being thrown into the mix this soon after the final blow was a sorted feeling.

"Oh, come on just rip off the paper," Maureen cried. "I've been dieing to give this to you."

"Okay Okay, " she laughed.

She pulled the paper off and lifted the lid. Inside the small box was a little golden chain with a tiny charm on it.

"A lotus flower," Olivia beamed touching the tiny flower inside of the charm.

"Dad always says that you remind him of a lotus flower," Maureen smiled.

"He does?" She looked at him. He sat next to her confidently and winked in her direction. It was a pet name he was always too afraid to share.

Elizabeth continued the thought as she grabbed the chain from Olivia's hand and placed it around her neck. "The beauty and grace of a delicate flower growing in the midst of a hard world. He tells us these things when we're feeling down about ourselves. Its our father's strange way of making us independent women, like you." In her best Dad impersonation she sat next to Olivia and placed her in the scene. "Elizabeth, I work with the miracle of a good heart everyday and I've seen many people raise themselves up from much worse with little help and no family. If you don't believe me call Olivia. Strive to be what she accomplishes in one afternoon. You have to be the change you want to see, and you're not going to achieve that with a bad attitude."

Olivia laughed contagiously at the impersonation and her eyes began to water for so many reasons. She'd never actually thought of herself as a role model, let alone a role model brought up in a father's tender loving speech to his daughter. It made her fall in love with him even more, if that was even possible. She was glad that Maureen saved her emotional state by moving on, because the last thing she wanted to do was cry in the middle of this incredibly happy moment.

Everybody opened their gifts and exchanged love and thanks. Even Dickie eventually joined them. But the hour ticked by much faster than they'd wanted it too. Maureen held EJ in her arms and the three of them kissed Olivia and their father goodbye.

"I wish you didn't have to go," Maureen whispered into her father's ear. "Breakfast tomorrow?"

"You got it," Elliot said before he kissed her on the lips and headed for the Sedan.

"Dickie hold the fort down."

They all waved and shouted goodbye from the front porch and Elliot drove down the street for Manhattan.

"This is the right thing to do, right," he said to Olivia.

She wasn't sure how to answer. Her hand touched the gold chain around her neck as though his doubts were including the secrets they had shared with each other all night.

Without noticing her pause, Elliot grabbed her hand and drove towards the highway. "Leaving them like that is killing me. But this is what a good man does for the mother of his children right?"

"Oh," Olivia breathed releasing the fear. "You're in the right."

"They aren't going to hate me for this right?"

"No," she answered bitter sweetly. "Definitely, you did the right thing. I think you handled it well. They understand. And you'll see them later tonight."

"Yeah. I just have this bad feeling."

"I'm sure it's just stress," she said as she rubbed his stomach lightly.

"I'm sure you're right," he smiled as he kissed her on the forehead.

The motions of friends into lovers was both comforting and strange, yet a change had come over the both of them because of it.

**A twinkle in her eye and the tilt of his head**

**Made both of them realize they had nothing to dread.**

**For if anything could make this time of year worth it.**

**It was the love they'd all felt and the path that was perfect.**

**At least for a day, they would have to be strong,**

**But in the end, really, how could Christmas go wrong.**

**The Couplets did spread throughout the wide city girth.**

**Fin laughed with his dear friend, while Casey and Chester nuzzled with mirth.**

**Special was this unit that laughed,**

**Before they were ripped from the day by their craft.**

**Yet, somewhere in the pits of the city **

**Slept the man who would steal them from giddy.**

**He was chubby and plump like a jolly ol' elf**

**But so wicked and cruel that he'd steal from himself.**

**If only they knew it was right in their faces.**

**The devil himself inhabiting their spaces.**

**He nodded and smiled as he jingled his bell saying,**

**"Merry Christmas to all, for now…I wish you all well."**

**AN: I am sooooo wanting chocolate chip cookies right now. It is so not fair! **


	11. Relentless

**AN: Silver bells my little fanfic readers. I love love love all of the reviews and e-mails you guys are super fun. And Denise I don't have your e-mail because you are annon., but I just laugha nd laugh at your reveiws. Mufasa -hooooohahohoooha. MUFASA hoooohhahahhahaha. Okay I'm better.**

**Let me know what you guys are liking and not liking, because I feel like I may have taken on a crap load of conflict in this chapter. Talk about a soap opera. Anyway, there's reason for all of it, I'm just not sure I should have involved so many people at one time. Oh well- it's a challenge none the less. **

**Enjoy! ****  
**

**Relentless**

Dean Porter ran through the lower east side of Manhattan desperately trying to put the pieces to Borgen's past and present together. He was running on no sleep and he was too proud to call Elliot for help. He stood in front of the now office building of what used to be Borgen's orphanage. Nobody in the building knew anything about its' history. He was given several phone numbers to call, but because of the holiday season his attempts had been thwarted by voice mail and answering machines.

"Come on, somebody's gotta be old and Jewish," he muttered to himself as he walked to the nearby shops hoping that one would be open and not full of immigrant workers that barely spoke English, let alone knew anything about the building on the corner.

His boss had been leaving nasty phone messages all morning and again the cell phone on his belt went off like clockwork.

"Corbin, I haven't got any new information…why…because it's Christmas and Borgen has seemed to change his coarse….I've got a team of men set up around the building, we got nothing. When I find out I'll let you know. Of course, I know what I'm doing….hello?"

He growled as the other end of the phone went off the hook. His only step was to call Stabler, but he had to try one more thing until he did it.

**SCENE**

"HEY, Merry Christmas!," Simon beamed when he opened the door to find Olivia and Elliot standing on the other side. "Elliot, I didn't realize you'd be joining us."

"Me either," he smiled. "I'm not. I just came to drop Liv off and to say hi."

"Livvie, Livvie, Livvie, Livvie," cried Simon's son Mikey, who came running towards her from the living room.

"Merry Christmas kido," she smiled as she bent down and lifted him up. "How are you?"

His four-year-old face flushed with shyness as he held onto her. "Good."

"What did Santa bring you?"

"Dinosaurs," he screamed before wiggling out of her grasp and racing for the other room.

Simon shook his head. "I personally thought the remote control helicopter was better. Had I known the ten dollar Dinosaurs would have made his day, I would have kept it for myself."

Elliot laughed as he stood next to the bubbly brown haired siblings. "Been there. Next year buy a video game. He'll be just old enough to think it's cool, but too young to really play it. Best present ever."

Simon returned his comment in manly laughter and patted him on the back. "Why don't you stay awhile?"

"Thanks, but I gotta get to my mom's."

"Ah, come on, just stay for a half hour. Come in and meet my ma and Julie's parents."

Olivia looked at the watch on her wrist and grabbed his attention. "El, you got time, stay for a few."

Before he could say another word he was sitting in the living room next to Julie's father and watching Olivia play with Mikey on the floor in front of him. His thoughts started to shift and shape into depression with each second of family conversation. He wondered how his kids were doing. In the middle of past holiday images Simon handed him a beer and took him away from the warm couch.

"Come here, I want to show you my new toy."

They headed to the garage where Simon revealed the red Harley Davison motorcycle to him.

"Wow, that is a beaut. You just get this today?"

Simon took a sip of his beer and touched the leather seats. "Yeah, I've been wanting one of these since high school, and we finally got comfortable enough financially to do it. I can't tell yeah what it feels like to ride on one of these babies. Makes you feel young again, like you could do anything and not get caught."

"Yeah."

As Simon went on about his bike Elliot's eyes went past the many layers of tools and garage junk laying about the counter tops and corners of the room. His eyes stopped on a pair of binoculars and a silky lacy material sticking out of a red toolbox.

"Man if I would have had one of these things in school I would have had all the girls, yeah know. Doesn't it suck that you can never afford the real shit until you're old and married."

"That's how it goes," Elliot said moving closer to the toolbox without Simon realizing what he was doing.

Simon turned around and shot him a look. "You wanna take her for a ride?"

"Ah, man, that'd be sweet, but I really should get going, my family is waiting for me."

"Family, they can wait. You have to feel the motor between your legs. It's better than any woman you've ever done."

Simon grew close to Elliot and a dirty feeling came over him. He wasn't sure if it was the sick feeling he'd had from the recent turn of events or the fact that Simon gave him the creeps, but he was getting extremely uncomfortable. "You sure like the ladies don't you," Elliot muttered.

"Who doesn't, bro?"

"You ever cheat?"

Simon made a low grunting snicker and handed Elliot the helmet. "Have you?"

"No."

"That's good cause I hear you're staying with my sister."

Elliot's lips tightened and he pulled the helmet from Simon's hand. "On the couch."

"Right. We'll see how long that lasts."

"What are you getting at?"

Simon took a step closer to him. His cheeks were flush with a hint of alcohol. "What I'm getting at is if you break her heart I will personally…"

"Whoa, wait, Si. I've known your sister far longer than you have. If anybody's gonna say those kinds of things it's gonna be me."

"Yeah, you say that now, but when she's walking around in that little silky night gown of hers, legs up to here, and lacy underwear peaking out at you every time she bends over or reaches for a cabinet, you're sister in blue is gonna be more than a shoulder to cry on. Don't you dare fuck with her, Stabler you got me? You better be damn sure this divorce is for real before you go bringing Olivia into it again. And don't think you're gonna get away with it if you do fuck with her. I'll know."

Elliot had just witnessed a side of Simon he'd wished he hadn't seen. His cop-on-perv instincts clicked on and he couldn't resist going into interrogation mode. "You like looking at your sister in her night gown, Marsdon?"

Simon flinched and backed away. "I just know how a man works."

"You mean, how you work."

"No, I know –"

"What your sister wears to bed? How long you have been sitting outside her window?"

Simon backed away and took the last sip of his beer. "I don't know what you're talking about, but that…that's sick."

Elliot pulled the lacy underwear out of the toolbox and shoved the binoculars into his face. "What's this Marsdon? I thought you stopped doing this? Who are you spying on now, Huh?"

"Hey, hey, settle down, El man." Simon grabbed the underwear and binoculars from him and threw them into a nearby drawer. "Those are my wife's, first off. Secondly, Mikey and I were bird watching. I don't do that. What is your problem? I was just making sure you knew who you were messing with."

"Who_ am_ I messing with?"

"Why you gotta be such a cop? I'm her brother for god's sake. Didn't I already prove that I wasn't one of your perv's? Come on, I've had too much to drink. Gimme a break. That and you gotta ride my bike."

Elliot was about to keep pressing the issue when Olivia opened the door holding a cell phone. "Elliot, Kathleen's on the phone."

Elliot gave Simon one last glare and slapped the helmet at his chest. He then took the phone from Olivia, touching her arm softly as he passed her to enter the house. The two days of Christmas hell seemed to be getting longer and longer. If Kathleen was calling him for anything less then a Merry Christmas he was thinking about committing himself for the week.

Olivia walked into the garage with Simon. "You didn't tell me you got a motorcycle. This is so awesome!"

"Isn't it," he smiled. "Let's take it for a ride."

She smiled and walked towards him. Gently he placed the helmet on her head and watched her climb onto the black leather seats.

"Can I revve it up," she asked.

He threw her the keys and she started the engine. The vibrations grew loud in the cement garage. Simon jumped on the back and yelled towards her ear. "Let's take it to the street. You wanna drive?"

"I'm not sure I know how," she yelled back.

"I'll teach you."

As they rolled the bike slowly towards the driveway Olivia stopped and pointed for Simon to get a helmet. He jumped off the bike and dug for the second helmet as Elliot came out of the house.

"Liv," he yelled. "I gotta go."

She pulled the helmet off and shook her rock star hair cut to the side of her face. "You need me?"

Elliot shot a quick look at Simon, who gave him a wink, and then walked up to the running motorcycle. He took the hand closest to him away from the handlebars and pulled her into a hug. "Be safe. Call me later when you need a ride home."

"You okay," she asked.

"Yeah, Kathleen drama."

"Okay," she said as Simon touched Elliot's shoulder to lift himself onto the back of the motorcycle.

"Merry Christmas, bro, call me when you want to ride the Har."

Elliot nodded with a sneer and took a step back. Simon then wrapped his hand over Olivia's and guided her into first gear as they rolled away.

The garage grew empty and silent. Elliot started for his car with a bad taste in his mouth. He knew Olivia could handle herself, but he never liked Simon. Before leaving the garage he stopped and went back to the drawer. Hoping to god that those lacy purple Victoria secrets were Julie's, he slipped them into his pocket.

**SCENE**

"Special Victim's Unit, Detective Lake speaking, how can I help you?"

"Chester?"

"Robbie, what's going on? Are you okay?""

The voice on the other end of the phone was that of a six-year-old boy in foster care, who Chester had been hanging out with through the Brothers and Sisters of America Association. Lake had always contemplated adopting Robbie, but knew that he would get more attention with his foster mother than he would with a work-aholic father. Not to mention, his apartment would never hold both him and a six-year-old. Robbie was a great kid, though, and Lake made sure to take him out every chance he got.

"I'm with…a man. He said he was Santa and that he was gonna take me to see you. For Christmas."

"What?"

Lake jumped from his chair and started flagging Fin to trace the call. He then put the phone on speaker and the whole office grew quiet. "Where are you?"

"I don't know."

"What do you see?"

"He put a fold on me. He says he wants you to leave him alone. That he doesn't need the police to help him."

"Robbie, is he there with you?"

"Yes…," he sobbed.

"Put him on the phone."

As Chester said those words the phone clicked to a dead dial tone and Fin dropped the tapping device with a sigh.

"Damn-it," Lake yelled. "Trace that call. I've gotta get a hold of Porter and Robbie's foster mother."

**SCENE**

The sky was growing dark, just about time to wrap up dinner and head home. Olivia was the last of the family. She read Mikey a bedtime story and headed towards the living room where she sat in a fat comatose state on the couch. "I am so full," she sighed.

"Me too," Julie replied. "It was really nice to have you here. Mikey just loves you."

"I'm glad we did this," Olivia smiled. "I should call Elliot soon. He's gonna take me off your hands."

Before either of them could move Olivia's cell phone went off and the Stabler's house number came up on her caller ID. "Hello."

"Olivia, it's Maureen."

"Maureen, you okay?"

"Yeah, we're good, but I'm getting worried. Mom and Kathleen left about four hours ago to pick up Don and they haven't gotten back yet. Dad's not answering his phone, Mom's not answering hers, Kathleen didn't take hers with her, and we were supposed to be at Grandma Stabler's house a long time ago. I'm not sure what to do."

"Did you call your grandma's? Your Dad said he'd be there?"

"He never showed up."

Olivia sighed and held the side of her head. "Okay, ah…I'll be there in a few."

She clicked off her phone and looked at Simon who was half passed out on the floor in front of Julie.

"Simon, I hate to ask you this. Can you drive me to Elliot's place?"

**SCENE**

Twenty minutes later Olivia was taking over the Stabler house in the best way that a single gun carrying cop hero could. EJ was screaming in her arms, while Maureen walked to the Walgreen's to buy baby formula. There was a pot of water boiling for the only big meal Olivia knew how to make, Spaghetti, and she paced between the kitchen and the dining room, where Dickie and Elizabeth called every phone number they had.

"Try the precinct again," Olivia said through light bouncing and shushes.

"Did that already," Dickie said. "I think Munch is getting pissed."

"That's just how he sounds. Call again. Dean! Ow, Elizabeth, call Dean Porter. His number is in my phone."

Little EJ was as red as turnip. He was starving and quiet frankly, by the look of the two weepy faced Stabler twins, they were too.

The only thing Olivia could even think about right now was how Kathy could be so selfish as to leave her children like this on Christmas Day. She threw the whole box of noodles into the boiling water and moved EJ into her other arm. His high-pitched cry was going straight to her brain.

"Oh, baby boo, you have to settle down. Livvie, is gonna rip her eyes out. Okay," she said in the sweetest voice she had in her. "Yeah, we're gonna feed you, but you gotta have some patience. Right, like you know what that is. You're gonna know what that is after today. Yes you are. You are, you are, you are. Ah."

With an uncomfortable sigh she leaned on the counter and bounced, while closing her eyes and blowing a piece of hair away from her face.

"Liv, Dean wants to talk to you," Elizabeth said holding the phone towards her ear and the screaming baby.

"Dean."

"Liv, I need Elliot."

"You need Elliot. I need Elliot," she said with a hint of frustration.

"Where is he?"

"Trust me if I knew where he was I wouldn't be calling you."

As soon as she said it she regretted the meaning it sent off. "That's not what I meant by that Dean."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm being serious. We need him like two hours ago."

"Well I'll call you when I find him, but things are a little hectic around here, what's going on?"

"Two kidnappings in three hours. Borgen and possibly a helper."

"Like Santa's helper," Olivia sarcastically questioned.

" Yeah, if that's what you wanna call it. I need you to look through his paper work there. I need the information he got on Borgen's childhood. He said he found something that could help us pinpoint a location."

"Um," Olivia rushed around the kitchen, baby wailing, water over boiling, and the sauce bubbling over. "I…I can't really- hang on. Elizabeth!"

"Yeah." She poked her head into the room and Olivia handed her EJ.

In a panic Olivia ran around ripping the lid off of the boiling water and throwing potholders around before heading to Elliot's desk. "I doubt there's anything here. We just took it all to my place."

Dean paused on the other line.

"Hello," she said dodging her head around the room for a good reception. "Dean!"

"He's staying with you," he finally mumbled.

" On the couch."

Dean grunted and cleared his throat. "Did you find it?"

"No, everything is in my apartment."

"Well, you need to get to your place right now."

"Dean, I can't."

"Olivia, these kids are all connected to the unit. We need that information now!"

"What do you mean they're connected to the unit," she questioned as her heart pounded in her ears.

"Lake's foster child Robbie, and Fin's grandson, Jeremy. They were both taken this afternoon."

"Why are they going after us? How do they know about our family to begin with? I have to call Simon."

"Yeah, I think we're dealing with something all new here. I need you to keep an eye on Elliot's family. Don't let them out of your sight."

Olivia ran for the living room to look out the window for Maureen. "Oh god, I just sent Maureen to the store. I…"

"Olivia," Elizabeth cried from the kitchen.

"What," she said from the open front door.

"Liv, we got a problem!"

Olivia jogged back into the kitchen. The smell of it hit her before the sight of it did. "Oh my god! Dickie, I need you're help!"

A small flame had caught the corner of the potholder causing a boiling fiery mess over the stove. Dickie ran in from the other kitchen door and jumped at the flames.

"I got it," he yelled as he ran for the broom closet to get the fire extinguisher.

Dean's voice could be heard on the phone, but Olivia was too busy trying to stop the flames with her free hand. "Olivia, do you understand how important this is? You need to get-"

"Dean, I get it. I'll be there in….oh, my…-"

The smoke alarm sounded causing complete chaos to erupt around them.

"Olivia, I can't hear you," Dean shouted. "Is everything okay?"

"Fine," she yelled back. "Elizabeth, open a window. Dean, I can't get into the city at the moment, we don't have a car."

"Well get one!"

"I can't," she yelled just as Dickie sprayed the fire extinguisher all over her and the only dinner they had.

"Ohp…," she chocked standing frozen with the white foamy substance all over her arms and parts of her hair and face. She closed her eyes and the sounds of fire alarms, baby screams, and Dean's voice all clambered into her ears.

"Oww," Dickie clenched apologetically towards Olivia. His face scrunched up and he slowly placed the red extinguisher on the ground.

Olivia spit the foam away from her lips and wiped her face with the shoulder of her shirt.

"Liv, I'm so sorry," Dickie pleaded.

"It's okay, it's okay, please just stop the smoke alarm before my head explodes."

Dean's voice jabbered from the cordless phone. "Liv? Olivia!"

"Dean, you're gonna have to give me at least forty minutes. I have three teenagers and a newborn, and I have no idea how to feed them."

She then clicked the phone off and threw it to the ground while grabbing a nearby dishtowel to wipe her face and arms off.

Finally the smoke detector stopped and the sound of Maureen coming through the door with EJ's formula could be heard in the background.

"I'm back….Holy…what the hell happened?"

Olivia stood in the middle of the kitchen blinking at the mess on the stove. Her head was throbbing again. She knew what that meant, but chose once again to ignore it. Her brain swam with a diagnosis for the problem at hand.

Dickie and Elizabeth were motionless and EJ had stopped screaming for a few seconds. They all looked at Olivia's unmoving state.

"Liv," Maureen asked inching her way towards her with the bag of formula.

Without looking at anyone Olivia slowly walked to the phone on the ground and picked it up while spouting off a list of directions. "Maureen, make the formula, Dickie make three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Elizabeth pack anything and everything that EJ may need in the next twenty-four hours, then each of you make an over night bag, you're coming to the city with me."

One more time she dialed Elliot's cell phone and shook with harsh frightened hysteria. "Come on, come on, pick up. Please. Pick up the phone!"

"You've reached the voice mail of Detective Elliot Stabler-"

"Damn it!"

Maureen watched Olivia pull at her hair and dial another number.

"Liv, what's going on? Is Dad in trouble?"

"No…maybe, I don't know, but he turned his phone off for a reason. I need you guys to stay aware of your surroundings. There's a man giving the precinct some issues. Dean wants us in the city. I'm sure we're fine, but just stay with me at all times. Do you know where your Dad keeps his gun?"

Maureen shook her head with a slightly fearful expression. Dickie shoved the first sandwich into his mouth and replied through the thick of the bread. "Yeah, I'll get it."

Just as the house seemed to turn quiet again the sound of police sirens blared from the front of the house and a loud banging rapped on the door. Maureen's eyes grew red and any sign of strength left in her body washed away as she whimpered at the door. "Oh god, Olivia I can't take anymore bad news. Please don't tell me what they say. Please don't tell me."

"Maureen…" It took a second for Olivia to understand why Maureen was so suddenly upset and then she touched her arm before heading for the door. "Calm down, Maur, I called them. Get your stuff."

The family of misfits grabbed their bags and headed towards the blinking cop car lights. Wind pushed at them like an endless sting. It was a persistent reminder to buck up. Bitter weather was the least of their problems. In the front seat of the squad car, Olivia sat next to Dickie and Officer Cartwright dialing Elliot's phone over and over again. EJ and the girls sat in the back and all three teenagers, mostly Dickie, grew excited for the first time all day when the sirens came on and the car sped full speed towards Manhattan.

**AN: Drop me thoughts. **


	12. Girl Could Get Lost

**An: Merry of the Merriest my Fanfic friends. I've been doing the family thing- hence the hiatus. I have no idea how people can live without Internet. I'm having serious withdrawl. I'm still sad that I have NOT gotten to see Sweeny Todd yet. Did I mention I'm not a big family person. Becasue I'm not. If I had a car that wasnt' a stick shift I would so be at Sweeny Todd - RIGHT NOW! Oh my god! Go see it people. It's the best live musical I've ever seen and I'm sure- I ean- just positive that Tim Burton has done it justice. He better have at any rate. Even though he supposidly took out the song "Johanna" which- HELLO- one of the best songs. GAH! People you have to see this show if anybody ever does it Live in your area. I'm pretty sure that not even a community theater coudl make it suck...okay they could- but it would be tough- cause the show kicks major arse! **

**At any rate this chapter is for all of you chode meisters who keep talking about cookies. WTF! I so need a cookie! Raychel- I'm still waiting. Foot tap. Foot tap. Foot tap...still waiting. Still Nothing. Yet, I will just point this out- my dog has bad bad gas.**

RANDOM!

Okay read- read before I send the cookie monster on your arses!

**Girl Could Get Lost**

Many people have been down and low under the lights of New York City. Many a soul have found themselves empty, lost, and outcast from the rest of the 19 million other people that shared the small island of American dreams. Whether it's a choice or a misfortunate event, the pangs of life were always more dramatic in the city that never slept. Out of the many that felt this way, no one seemed to be as dejected as the Stabler family plus one. Olivia lead the three young adults down the sidewalk towards her apartment building with baby EJ hidden under a mound of blankets in his car seat. The city was filled with a peaceful glow of holiday twinkle lights and a calming sense of warmth and safety, but their small group of weary hearts could see none of it.

As they piled into the Benson residence each one of them tried hard to stay in their own solitude. They stewed in their own terrible tired thoughts of Christmas as the apartment prodded them to buck up. For if New York was a Mecca for small living Olivia's apartment was the size of a shoe. Togetherness was not an option.

The abandoned Stabler family pretended to watch television while Olivia dug through Elliot's things. Her mind was unfocused, off course. The files and papers were starting to look like any other. She called Dean for a second time when she decided that the information was just not there. The degenerate Stablers hung onto every word and movement that she made.

"Dean, all I found were some names and they aren't even legible. First name ', Uncle Fun' and then Jarvis Bard. Jarid Burd. I can't even read that. Try google searching 'Uncle Fun.' Sounds like the name of a store or restaurant."

"That's all you could find?"

Olivia dropped the paper work on her kitchen counter in an angry manner and practically yelled at Dean through the whisper she'd been trying to uphold for the sake of Elliot's already shaken family. "If you could give me more information about this case other than Borgen and a Santa suit, I might be able to help you. I'm not a magician. You're going to have to find Elliot or help me to help you."

"Are you sure you've looked in every box?"

"Yes, Porter," she yelled. The room grew stressfully quiet and Olivia walked to her bedroom and closed the door. "Dean, this is ridiculous. Have you even tried to look for Elliot?"

"I have two missing children under the age of six on my hands, what do you think?"

"Yeah, I get that, but you've been calling me all day about the only person who seems to know what's going on. I would think he would be a top priority right now. It sounds like he's more involved in this operation then you're letting me believe."

"I can't make Elliot a priority. Besides I don't trust him on this case."

"Why?"

"You know why."

The phone line remained silent and Olivia realized that she was on her own. "Alright, I'm done with you. Instead of wasting all of my time helping you find a piece of information that may not even exist I should be out looking for my partner. You know, the man that you were supposed to be working with."

"I tried, Olivia. He's impossible to talk to."

"You did not try, Dean!"

"Don't do this! I need your help. My ass is on the line. All I need is this location. I don't know where Elliot is. I can't even get a hold of most of my unit right now. I've been officially put on probation."

Olivia's jaw dropped and she sat heavily on the bed. "Why?"

"Failure to do my job at a timely manner."

"Let me come in and I'll help you."

"No, you can't. You need to be protecting his kids."

"Protecting them from what? They aren't children. Maureen has this situation under control. Let me come in and help you."

"Liv, I can't involve you with this case. I'll be fired. Please, keep looking through the paper work. End of conversation. Get back to me if you find something."

"Dean-"

Before she could object Dean had hung up on her. "Well how do you like that," she said to herself as her insides grew into a hard ripened mood. Taking a step back from her bed she opened the door. Her eyes fell into spaced out thoughts as she paced into the living room with her cell phone in hand and a mesh of ideas forming into derivative actions. Her polished nail clicked on the screen of the cell phone as she thought to herself. Maureen jumped from the couch when she entered the room and shoved a piece of paper into her jeans pocket.

Olivia grabbed Maureen's arm out of paranoid reflexes. "What was that?"

"It…it was…"

Those young baby blues flickered towards her siblings and with a sigh she pulled the slip of paper from her pocket. "It's from my mom. She left it in my purse. I found it when I went to pick up the formula."

Tears formed in her gaze as she passed the notebook paper on to Olivia.

"She's not coming back," Elizabeth whimpered.

Olivia read the note with a shaky hand while the three young adults watched her like a pack of wolves. Even little EJ, who sat in his car seat on the coffee table, was engulfed by the intense mumbling and head-scratching coming from Olivia's end of the apartment.

"Dear Maureen, please don't hate me. I know you and your brothers and sisters will be in good hands. I am not fit to be a person let alone a mother right now. I will be leaving to rebuild my life. Don is going to help me. I know you will think this is the worst thing for me to do, but it is only in best interests for all of you. Please don't try to find me. I'll be back when I get myself together. Keep your head up; hug Kathleen and the twins for me. Take care of your baby brother and don't be too upset with your father. Listen to Olivia. I love you. All of you. Please understand this is for the best. Love, Mom."

Olivia closed her eyes and crotched to the floor with her head between her legs. "Kathy, what are you doing? I can't believe this…."

Olivia gulped for breath and held in her angry thoughts.

The silence was thick. "I should have seen this coming. We have to find your father."

"Olivia, there was nothing you could have done. She's totally lost her mind," Dickie grumbled.

"Shut up," Elizabeth carried on as she slapped her brother on the arm. "You've been such an asshole. It's probably all your fault she left to begin with."

"If you weren't such a whiny baby all of the time-"

"Stop it," Maureen yelled. "Both of you, shut up, this is nobody's fault. Mom was depressed. She's being irrational because she refuses to take medication for it. I give her one week. I wasn't even going to tell anybody, but then Dad and Kathleen went missing..."

Olivia folded the piece of paper and grabbed a hold of her senses. "You're right. Maureen, you are absolutely right. She'll be back. Let's not worry about this. You're mom just needs to revaluate her life, and trust me, as a woman going on forty, that's not easy. In fact, it's hell," she added slightly going into her own flash backs of depression. The blue eyes snapped her out of the small spell of panic she almost allowed herself to experience, and from a deep pit of Mamma Bear instincts that stemmed from god only knew where, she pulled herself together and rounded them up for the task at hand. "We can do this my friends. You're all adults. Young adults, but adults nonetheless. When this is all said and done, we'll all have a good laugh. I'll even take you on that vacation you were upset about, Dickie."

Dickie's eyes shot up from the ground at the sound of it. "Really?"

"Yes," Olivia smiled. "We just have to find your father and Kathleen, which really shouldn't be to hard. Just give me a minute to think."

Once again, Olivia started talking to herself and going through papers on her desk. "Okay, we've turned all the cars in as missing, called all of the potential people we know… can we track the cell phone? Hmm. that might be an option, but the homing device info- I know nothing about- nor do I think they work- Ah- this would be so much easier if I just went to the precinct."

"Liv, if you need to go, we'll be okay," Maureen interrupted.

Olivia shook her head and continued to toss Elliot's paper work about in deep contemplation.

"I know how to shoot a gun," Dickie added. "We'll be fine."

"No way, will you_ ever_ be near a gun, on my watch, Dickie!"

He stomped his foot in exaggerated disappointment and Olivia slightly laughed and replied in her best old person voice. "You'll shoot your eye out kid!"

Dickie smiled for the first time all evening and if Olivia wasn't mistaken, he even blushed. The intensity of the situation was bringing them together if anything else.

"Okay, think guys, would your dad have taken Kathleen somewhere to talk?"

"Yeah, church and I called them already," Dickie answered.

"Did you notice any men hanging out side of your house recently? Kathleen isn't really Borgen's type, but at this point I have no idea. Did you notice anything like this? Black car, men dressed in Santa suits."

Elizabeth's face grew into a horrified scrunch. "No! Should we have?"

"No. Good. No men. Okay, so he could still call. His battery could have died."

"And he couldn't have stopped somewhere to call us," Maureen wryly added.

"Payphones? Payphones are on the verge of extinction, Mo," Dickie replied.

Olivia pulled at her bottom lip and nodded in agreement. " That or he's in the middle of a bad satellite connection. It's possible that they went in search for Kathy."

"Yeah, but five hours. I'm certain that they'd have had to stop for gas by now. I'm sure there would have been a payphone at one point, "Maureen said.

"Right," Olivia thought. "Hmm, well, I guess we wait. He's got to call us."

Elizabeth lifted her head from the couch pillow. She was the most dramatic of all the Stablers. "What if he doesn't call, Liv? What then? How will we find him if he never picks up his phone? What if we have to live here forever? Not that I don't love your apartment or you, but… What if we become orphans and I have to spend the rest of my high school life in a foster home? This is terrible."

"Bethie, come on! You will not be sent to a foster home," Maureen interjected.

"Hello, 'Party of Five', Bethie," Dickie scoffed. "How many times did you make me watch that stupid show? Maureen is old enough to raise us."

"And if not Maureen, I'm definitely old enough to raise you." As Olivia said those words, she swallowed hard wishing she'd not said them. The three pairs of eyes blinked at her in awkward fearful expressions. "I mean, if worse came to worse. Which, I'm sure would never…be the case. Or won't be, because we're going to find your father and your mom will be back…soon."

Elizabeth broke with a squeak. "Liv." The fifteen year old grabbed Olivia in a hug and sniffed back a few tears. "I'm so tired of all of this. I can't take it anymore and I'm getting scared."

Olivia sweetly held her. "I know sweety. It's been an awfully long two days. You're parents are just going through a thing. It happens. And your dad is gonna call us, I have no doubts."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. It's my sixth instinct."

"What is?"

"Your father," she sighed heavily as she played with Elizabeth's hair. The deed of comforting came naturally and it was something Olivia would have done for strangers, but this time the act was personal. She searched her mind for the perfect words, but nothing was sitting well with her. The ties that were forming were tighter than she could have ever imagined. The simple act of hugging was greater than the vocabulary she could have used in a time like this, and even though the act was uncommon to Olivia, she did it well. Elizabeth let out a deep breath of air and closed her eyes as Olivia ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. Their need for her was causing a growing need for them; it took her by surprise. Before the emotions got too involved she kissed Elizabeth on the head and confidently smiled. "Hey, you know what I've got?"

"No," she said wiping her eyes.

"I've got ice cream and cookie dough. You up for some?"

She dejectedly nodded and held onto Olivia's arm. "I'm not all that hungry, but if it will help pass the time…I guess we could…make some cookies."

Olivia turned for the kitchen and Elizabeth and Dickie followed. As she watched them pull out the ingredients with their sad faces her heart began to rapidly beat out of panic. Attachment was a funny thing. She could sense that they were keeping good face to make light of the situation, but that they were also leaning on her, trusting her, anxiously watching her as if she were the next to go or the next to take something away from them. These attachments were delicate and completely out of Olivia's usual personal commitment. The thought of taking care of somebody else, was frightening and yet, that nerve triggering her motherly instincts begged for more. She clutched the lotus flower hanging from her collarbone and found herself trying to disconnect from the situation.

"I'm going to use the bathroom," she said as she pushed Elizabeth's arm away from hers and headed for the hallway.

As she turned a light sound came buzzing from the desk in the corner. The one-inch square of plastic phone vibrated and rang a second time and the room fell still as they watched the corner of the room for a third ring.

Dickie and Elizabeth jumped next to Olivia to view the ID screen.

"Dad, it's dad. It has to be," Dickie jumped as Olivia clicked the phone to her ear.

"Elliot."

"Liv, where are you?"

"Elliot! Where have you been? We've been worried sick."

Dickie and Elizabeth were pressing their ears as closely as they could towards Olivia. Maureen was hanging onto her shoulders.

"You could have called, Dad," Dickie yelled.

Olivia touched his mouth with her hand to silence his excitement as Elliot did his best to explain.

"I know, I know. Dickie, I'm awful. Now you know how I feel when you don't call. Liv?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"Where are you?"

"We're all at my place. What happened?"

"Long story short. My phone died. I heard the call about Borgen on the scanner and made my way to the address I'd found yesterday. It took hours."

"Why didn't you call Porter?"

"I wanted to make sure I was right. That and Porter and I…let's just say I may have just gotten him fired. Can we talk about this when I get home? The feds had me and Kathleen held in an interrogation room for about two hours. I just need for this night to be over."

"Understandable. Get home. We've got cookies."

Elliot sighed out of exhastion. "We'll be there. Thank you, Liv."

**SCENE**

When Elliot and Kathleen got to the apartment its' tiny walls seemed to bust with people and excitement. They all piled around Olivia's coffee table in their pajamas, dipping hot chocolate chip cookies in large tall glasses of milk. Elliot held a sleeping baby EJ in his arms as his grown-up family finished one more round of Cranium.

"Score!," Dickie jumped. "Eat that Mo Mo!"

"I so let you win," Maureen said with an eye roll.

Elliot watched Olivia laughing from the other side of the coffee table and he smiled as he caught her eyes and nodded towards the kitchen.

She grabbed the empty glasses and they met on the glossy linoleum.

"Thank you," he whispered standing behind her as she rinsed the dishes.

"So the kids that Borgen abducted…"

"They're safe. We got them."

"Good. Lake was sick to his stomach."

Olivia would keep things professional as usual, but Elliot could think of nothing but her and needing to be next to her.

"And Borgen," she continued.

"Borgen is in federal lock up, but there isn't enough evidence to put him away for life. His partner was MIA. They're thinking that this other guy is the real killer and Borgen was just to mask it. Dean, messed this case up big time."

"Why?"

"He was on cloud nine. I've been calling him with that location information for days and he wouldn't listen. He's just damn lucky nobody got hurt."

Olivia wiped her hands on a dishtowel and faced Elliot. "Hmm, that's odd. He's not usually like that."

"Not with you."

She nodded in disappointed agreement and looked down at EJ's little sleeping face. He breathed lightly between them and Olivia touched his soft head. "Poor little guy. He fussed for hours."

"I'm sorry for that. Kathy…I can't even talk about it. Did the kids tell you?"

"I know."

"Liv, I am so sorry for leaving you with my burdens. I owe you my life. My kids owe you their lives. I can't even begin to thank you."

She brushed off his gratitude in classic Olivia form. "No need for that. I would have done it for anyone. I should get you and Kathleen a blanket and a pillow. Unless you want to drive back to Queens."

"Do you want us to drive to Queens?"

Olivia looked at his eyes and awkwardly crossed her arms as to not seem desperate or needy. "No…I mean, you are more than welcome to pull up some floor."

His masculine features softened and he pulled her face towards him with his warm gentle hand. "Do you want me to pull up some floor?"

"Well Dickie already called the couch."

"You don't have to pretend anymore."

"I..I'm not."

He smiled at her with a lifted brow. "Do you really want this?"

Her eyes flickered with mixed emotions. "This?"

"You and me, and all of my baggage."

"Elliot, it's always been you and me…with all of your baggage. It's just no longer oppressed. It's…"

"Vulnerable."

"Discussed."

"Honest…" Elliot pulled her face closer and kissed her softly on the lips. Her crossed arms fell from their defenses and the audience of eyes watching them from the living room became more like a crowd hidden behind the fourth wall.

That is until Dickie started whistling through his teeth at a high-pitched volume.

"Dickie," Maureen scolded. "Come on, we just got EJ to sleep."

Olivia was as red as fair-faced Irish lass on a hot summers day, which only made Elliot's Irish blood beat harder through his horny veins. Nothing was more seductive to him then watching Olivia care for his children and talk about the details of a case at the same time. Olivia on the other hand was out of her element. The embarrassment of public display of affection was even more horrific in front of his family members. Elliot released his hand from her soft cheek and gave his children the hairy eyeball.

"It's getting late, you all need to get to bed."

Kathleen, who was still in a dark mood, made her small hint of acceptance through brash bitchy sarcasm. "Dad, please don't scar us any further. I don't want to hear you and you'd better be using a condom."

Olivia took the dishtowel from her kitchen counter and hid her very red face behind it. "Kathleen! You're father and I will not be doing…anything like that."

"Right," Dickie mocked as he grabbed a pillow and made loud moaning sounds with it.

Elliot bopped him on the head. "Alright, you ham. Simmer down. Your ol' dad may not be a saint, but Olivia is, so let's not scare her into the nunnery."

As soon as the furniture was moved and the sleeping bags were placed in the small living room space, the Stabler family settled down for their unplanned Christmas slumber party.

"God, I haven't slept like this since middle school when we went on that camping trip," Maureen said as she snuggled into her sleeping bag.

"No farting, Dickie," Elizabeth grumped.

"Ah, Bethie, I hate that word," Kathleen whined.

"What word," Dickie pushed.

"Dickie, I swear to god if you say that word or do that act I will kill you," Kathleen yelled.

The threat was not taken seriously though, and as Elliot pulled Olivia into her bedroom he could hear the sound of Dickie making his sisters squeal and yap in aromatic discomfort.

"Good times," Elliot said to Olivia, who was gently placing EJ on a blanket surrounded by pillows.

"Don't get any ideas, Stabler, there's just enough space in the kitchen for you and your stink ass."

He sat on the edge of her bed, tired and worn. Her strong sense of self and humor brightened his soul. "Aw, don't you mean fine ass!"

Elliot started to shake his booty and she slapped him and hushed his vocal booty shaking music. "I swear to god if you wake this baby up, Elliot Stabler…cut it out."

"Oo baby, you sure know how to keep a guy moral."

She turned and sat next to him on the bed. "If that were true then why do I feel so guilty right now?"

"Kathy made her own bed. Don't let her mistakes make you feel guilty."

"How do you know this isn't a mistake?"

"Do you think it is?"

She paused and chose her words wisely. "Not yet."

"Liv, I don't want this...us, because of her. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was where I was supposed to be."

"The same way you thought you were supposed to go back home?"

"Olivia, you were the one who told me that family was the most important thing. I only did it because you'd convinced me that maybe i shouldn't have left them."

"Well I can't imagine how I did that, unless you mean by giving you an example of pathetic loneliness."

Elliot stuttered a bit, because part of it was true. He could see that she caught his thoughts and he back tracked. "That is besides the point right now. And you are not pathetic. I should have done this years ago. And you can't disagree with that. You would have transferred a long time ago if this wasn't meant to be."

"It's not like you gave me much of a choice."

"Well, I'm just so damned irresistible," he smiled causing her nostrils to flare as she held back her own smile.

"There's my Olivia. I love when you smile."

Elliot touched her hand and began to trace her skin. She hated that his touch was her weakness.

Without another word he guided her to lay down next to him on the bed. Their eyes holding each other as Elliot pushed the hair from her face and lightly touched the side of her cheek and the nap of her neck. Olivia closed her eyes and released the knot in her stomach. Her delicate peaceful features were too perfect. Elliot was almost afraid to touch her. He pulled his body closer and kissed her on the lips. She returned the kiss with a desire for more. The smell of her perfume and the undiscovered shapes under her clothes drove him into an immediate high. She let out the softest sound as he nuzzled his nose into her neck and continued to taste every inch of her skin. The anticipation caused her to grab at him with the same kind of intensity that he'd watched her use in the heat of a good case. Elliot's slacks twitched and she felt him warm and throbbing next to her clothed thigh. Thoughts of reasoning for this relationship ran through her mind. The good and the bad bounced like a ping pong ball: Endless conversation, Kathy's son, silent understanding, that woman at the immigration office, the way he needed her more than life one moment, and that one hurtful time he replaced her so quickly the next. What made Elliot the man she was supposed to fall for? And why now? Why here? What made this any different from the other women in his life?

"Elliot," she pushed through their kissing.

"I know, I know, we have to stop."

"Yes, stop," she moaned.

He froze with his lips still resting on hers and his eyes closed. His erection was pounding between their legs as he did everything he could to control it. That was a feat unto itself, especially after being married for twenty years.

She pushed him away and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry I can't do this right now. Kathy just left you and your kids are in the next room. Not to mention…I can't…trust this yet."

"I know. It's too fast. I'm sorry, this is not what I intended…"

"It's okay. Let's…take a breather."

She sat up and brushed her disheveled hair back down. She could tell that he was still trying to get the thoughts out of his mind by the way he held his hand over his eyes and stayed completely still. The bulge was teasing her to touch it, but she wasn't convinced that this was how she wanted to give Elliot her everything. Her trust issues started eating away at her painfully mature conscience. She turned away and reached for her pajamas.

"I'll be back."

"Liv, I didn't mean to force anything."

"You didn't," she said plainly before heading to the bathroom. When she returned Elliot was on the floor and fluffing his pillow.

"I set the alarm, although I'm sure EJ will beat it to the punch," he said while lying down next to EJ's makeshift crib.

"Thanks."

She got under her covers and turned off the lamp. The night traffic usually lulled her right to sleep but not tonight.

"El?"

"The answer is yes."

Olivia looked up at the ceiling and held back her smile. "That's very proclaiming, but seriously. I need to know. How many women did you…date while you were separated?"

Elliot's regret clicked on like a demon, but he knew the answer was necessary. "Five."

When Olivia remained silent he sat up and searched for her eyes in the darkness. Of all the things she could have brought up, this was the last thing he was prepared to deal with. "Liv, they meant nothing to me."

"Why didn't you ask me?"

"I was afraid."

Those words were hurtful. She'd spent most of her life questioning the intentions behind the men in her life and the reasons for her solitude. For him to be afraid of her was as painful as his silent rejection. "Of what," she slowly questioned trying not to get upset by his answer.

"You're a very intimidating woman, Olivia Benson. You were the only thing that I could trust. The last thing I wanted to do was mess that up. And let's face it, there were commitment issues that I wasn't ready to deal with at the time."

"Commitment issues?"

Elliot's hand ran nervously through his hair. Finding one person that he was certain he could spend the rest of his life with, certainly wasn't easy, and he knew Olivia was going to be his greatest challenge yet, but he wasn't about to lose her because of a one night stand he had with a few meaningless women. He knew that visit to immigration with Olivia would bite him in the butt. Now she not only questioned his cowardly behavior but his negative fears about her as a human being. The outlook was grim. "You…god, there is no way to say this without hurting your feelings, you have commitment issues, Liv. And I have five children or four at the time. You have a heart of gold, but I've seen the way you can leave a man at the drop of a hat. I didn't want to be one of those men. I couldn't risk hurting my children and I couldn't allow myself to use you up on a rebound date. Which is all that those other women were to me. You are so much more then that. You're on a whole different level. What it comes down to really...is that I didn't have the balls to do."

"And how would you know I would be that way with you? You never even tried. I practically handed myself over to you and you rejected me. And then you replaced me. How could you…why did you do that? If 'this' is so special and different why did it take us this long?"

"First of all, I never replaced you, I just used that situation to blow off my tension on somebody I wasn't afraid to lose. When you left I thought that was the end. Do you know how daunting it was for me to call your house and get the operator? To not even get to say good-bye. It was worse then losing you to death. After our spats and then my ego, I thought you would get a taste of FBI and leave for good. What is the saying...the only love worth fighting for is won that you can win."

"So you just gave up on me?"

"No, I gave up on myself."

"I mean, if we're gonna get all quoty here, what about old Shakspeare's 'it is far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'"

He couldn't look her in the eye, but the words kept falling from his mouth. "Have you ever loved and lost, Olivia?"

"Everyday for eight years."

"Okay, that was hard to swallow," he said completely ashamed now for making it seem as if he were the only one in the room with an emotional expereince. "Loving to lose is a great way to look at it, but it's not realistic."

He slowly lifted himself up to emphasize his deepest effections for her. "Liv, forget about the past. I am throwing myself at you right now to forgive me and to please allow me to make up every minute of pain I may have caused you. I was scared and lost. Confused. I was in a bad place. I know that this whole thing scares you. It scares the hell out of me. Which is why I couldn't express…my…feelings or whatever you want to call it, for you…us…this. And even though it seems like all of this just happened, you and I both know that it's been a long time coming. I was planning on ending things with Kathy long before last night. I even signed a lease for an apartment that's opening up in February. You are not a rebound Olivia. You're my other half. My partner. My life. We both know the dangers, we both have our misgivings, but who cares. Life is too short, let's forget about them."

She sat in his words watching him and unable to express her own thoughts. "I want to jump. I do. I thought I could, but I have to be honest, tonight kind of freaked me out, Elliot. Your kids are...impressionable and there are so many of them. I love them, I do, but what if I can't do it? I'm not Kathy. I can't cook and I work all of the time. I almost burned your house down."

"Yeah Dickie told me. He got a huge kick out of it."

"I'm glad somebody did."

"Liv, my kids love you. They know you're not their mother, nor would I or they want you to be. We love you as you are. I love you as you are. Forget about Kathy."

Olivia hung her head down in contemplation and Elliot began pleading with her as if he knew she wasn't going to reject him but needed to hear her acceptance like it was the last sound that would ever enter his ears again. "Olivia, I've been in love with you for eight years. I just didn't know how to tell you nor did I know how to tell myself. You have to admit we are an odd pair. Most women like you would not be caught dead talking to a chump like me. I don't know how else to say it? You want a quote how about this one..."

Elliot cleared his throat and walked over to the side of her bed. Very gently he grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles. His eyes took her in as he recited the words like a romantic actor in the midst of beautiful love scene. "When you know, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city." At this line, he leaned forward and lifted the blinds on her window revealing the city sky. "And when two such people encounter each other, and thier eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

She couldn't answer him right away. Her jaw dropped as if she were looking at the possessed version of Elliot Stabler. The Elliot in front of her was unusually eloquent. For a brief second she sat in the sweet aftertaste of his monologue, before calling him out. "Did you practice that or is that what you say to all of the girls?"

He hid his face in the blankets and peaked up at her after his red face cooled off. "You're such a cop. Can't a man profess his love without bad jokes and beer?"

She started to laugh loudly and stopped herself when EJ cooed and fussed in the corner. "Oop."

"Nice, wake the kid with your big mouth, Benson," Elliot whispered sarcastically as he threw his pillow at her.

"My big mouth? You just recited every pick up line quote known to man. What is there a book on this stuff somewhere?"

"Yeah, it's called the book of love makin' quotes for stubborn forty somes."

They both froze in held laughter when EJ made a tiny cry in the corner. After a long silent thirty seconds Olivia grabbed the pillow from the bed and pulled it to her chest. "By the way, I am not forty, nor am I odd," she whispered with a smile.

"Oh forgive me, young jedi, not odd, just exotically unusual."

"The only oddity in the room would be your sudden change for communication. Besides, I'm only odd when I'm not with you. Seeing as you're still here, my odd is starting to become abnormally normal," she replied with a hint of a girly smirk.

Elliot tickled her foot from under the covers and chuckled. "Where'd you get that from 'The world's mushiest book of sappy quotes' book?"

She laughed and pulled her feet away from his touch. "No, I got it from the depths….of my soul," she mocked.

He lifted himself from the ground and hung on the side of her bed. "That's disgusting. Take it back."

"Nope," she smiled.

He pulled himself closer towards her and she pulled her knees up to her chest. "Elliot Stabler, control yourself. I'm not done interrogating you."

"Oh, well," he said with his hands in the air as he backed up onto his knees in front of her bed. "Please, continue Detective."

"Hear me out, Stabler. Detective to detective. Is 'this', you and me, I mean, going to make you treat me differently at work."

Elliot starred up at his section of ceiling with his mouth open and his eyes in an almost tired roll. "Why would you have to ask me that?"

Olivia jumped to her knees and lifted her finger to his face. "Elliot, I'm serious now. You of all people taught me this. If I ask you to hold me tonight are you going to be able to forget about that when I'm taking down a perp? I need to know this, otherwise I can't do it. Can you forget about the Liv you're with tonight, in the presence of Detective Benson?"

"Forget about it? I would be lying if I said yes. Without me you wouldn't even be a 'Liv'. Now, if you mean, would I allow you to do your job like the hard ass detective that you are…well then yes, I would insist and expect only the best from your stubborn hardheaded opinionated self. I could never prevent you from being that."

"I'm not a hard ass all of the time."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

Elliot inched his way towards her with every sentence. "Your survival tactics are part of the job and you use them well. I wouldn't mess with that. Doesn't mean, I shouldn't be able to enjoy your purple teary eyed girly side."

She fell back on the bed and tossed a purple pillow at his head. "Survival tactics!"

"My bad, your super woman tendencies," he jested.

They sat in the dark looking for each other's eyes when, ever so hesitantly; Olivia sat up and pulled Elliot into her bed. He lay on his side hovering over her, waiting for her to call the shots.

Her independent woman melted a bit as she watched him wait. "Can I hold you?"

He gazed at her through a masculine tilt of the head and pouty lips. The question was a small break through for his cowardly lion to bravely defeat. Ever so slightly he slid under her covers and placed his arm under her head as she held his bare chest. His heartbeat was loud to her ear. She closed her eyes to fall asleep.

"I love you too, Elliot Stabler."

This time the lull felt much easier as the sounds of his warm life breathed up and down, and the distant city beneath them buzzed her into a calm slumber.

A girl could get lost in her own proud city girl habits. Olivia decided that she didn't want to choose anymore tonight. Even though his arms used to be another's, and even though his mistakes were large at best, and even though he'd caused her heart so much pain, she lay in the shape of him wondering how anybody could not get caught up in this path that they had temporarily chose to misplace until now.

**AN: And now singing "The girl gets DOOOOOOWN. Just wait till tonight. I got what she seeeeeee es. Just wait till tonight" OKAY STOP the maddness. I had to teach footloose to a bunch of kids and that stupid ass song has been in my head for days. Stupid footloose. Drop me your EO day dreams.**

**Peace out**

**Scar**


	13. Demons

**AN Gar- I feel like I've been absent. Anyhoo, I've been dieing to write this part, so Fore warn you- there is smut. Loud speaker- Did yeah hear that? Titties! There will be some of that- and Penis Meloni- Some of that too! You've been threatened. **

**Thanks for the kick arse reviews. I can't wait for Tuesday. This eppy looks good.**

**Also, there are a few things about the cases that you may be able to point out. If you get the references let me know. That will give you an extra smart star in my book of fanfic readers. hehhehe I'm goofy. Seriously though if you don't get it in this chapter you will get it eventually. But man, I love Star in SVU. I have to figure out how to use her in this story I AH LOVE HER!  
**

**Peace Out**

**Scar**

**Demons **

"The woodsman is a sexual sadist who keeps his victims after abduction."

Olivia and Elliot walked into the precinct after their Christmas from hell just in time to meet Dean's replacement, Agent Erica Christianson. She stood in front of the entire unit flashing pictures of the twenty-four victims they'd found over the past twelve months.

"So you think that this guy had something to do with our Serial Santa," Olivia questioned as her detective senses clicked on. She threw her coat onto her chair and sat on the corner of the nearest desk in deep concentration.

Erica stopped her briefing to acknowledge the new voice. "Yes. Glad you could join us. I'm Erica Christianson. You must be Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler."

"Good morning," Elliot said as he grabbed Olivia's coat and hung it up next to his on the coat rack in the corner. "You'll have to pardon our interruption."

Don gave them both the hairy eyeball while suggesting that his wristwatch was impeccably clean.

"We…had a long night," Elliot continued while clearing his throat and sitting dangerously close to Olivia's left thigh. "I mean, Liv was helping me and I was on Olivia- a case-," He jumped giving her warm touch its' professional space. "I was on a case. Olivia was taking care of my kids. Long night."

"Right," Erica replied before moving on to the task at hand. "As I was saying, our serial killer has been in hiding for two weeks. We thought he'd moved on, until last night."

Elliot pinched his sinus cavity and wearily dropped his hand on the desk next to Olivia. She non-chalantly squeezed the top his fingers and ever so slightly smiled through the corner of her eye as she stretched her neck. He held his focus towards the horrific photos in hopes that his congested prostate would ignore the pain they felt every moment she touched him.

Erica clicked to the next screen. "Your CSU team found more than small children and that pathetic waste of space, Borgen. In the basement of the building we found the remains of a woman. So far she is a Jane Doe, but her cause of death is an exact replica to our woodsman victims."

Lake, who was running on little, if no sleep, scribbled away on a tablet and took in the information like he'd been drinking the amount of caffeine for everybody in the room. "You say that he does all of his killings in a cabin upstate, so why would he choose this location in Jersey, and why did he choose Borgen as an accomplice? That sounds like the exact opposite of his MO."

"Yes and No. Our killer has been forced out of his cabin by my team. He was looking for new prey and a new space. We don't know why he chose Borgen, but we do know that he follows the victims for weeks before hand. We questioned Borgen and the information given to use leads us to an army surplus store. He used cash and bought several knives, which he used on our Jane Doe."

"So why us," Olivia asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Why are we on this case?"

Erica held back the last bit of information like a death warrant. The side of her lip twitched and she clicked the power point presentation to its' next clip. "The final part of my our investigation last night ended with the findings of this Santa Suit and a Salvation Army bucket. We looked into these items and traced them to Herbert O'Dell. Herbert was killed four weeks ago. Stabbed in the back four times. Furensics is still working on the details to his death, but that means that our woodsman was in this building-"

"The Salvation army guy." Olivia jolted to her feet. "I saw him. I talked to him."

"We all did," Munch said. "Unfortunately."

"Not like it was an option," Fin added.

"Right," Erica answered. "Which means that his next prey is connected to this building. Or to anyone involved in the Borgen case."

"Which brings you to us," Elliot added with a hint of disappointment. He was hoping that his extra hard work during the Borgen case had somehow given their unit credibility. Now they were going right back to square one…

"So we're the victims," Olivia said.

"Well…not necessarily, but I'm going to need a list of every single woman in the building," Erica answered.

"Munch knows that by heart," Fin joked.

"I know nothing of the sort. The single woman is a rare species that stays away from the likes of me," Munch grumbled with unamused bitchery.

"Well at least you know what you're up against," Fin added.

"Gentlemen," Cragen interrupted. "Focus."

Olivia stood in silenced thoughts twiddling her bottom lip between her thumb and forefinger.

"Liv, what's wrong," Elliot softly asked. He placed his hand on the small of her back to bring her back to life.

"Did your team find a camera or photos. Instant photos," she finally uttered.

Erica looked at her and shook her head.

"He took a picture of me. I mean, he was taking pictures of a lot of people, but he snapped a photo of me coming off of the elevator."

"Okay," Erica said as she jotted the information down. "That doesn't mean anything. If need be we'll put you on probation until this blows over. But what I'll need for you to do is identify a sketch that we have of him. And then we'll have to keep you on watch until his next movement."

"Wait, wait, wait. I don't need to be followed by fed's."

"That's a standard procedure. We want to keep you as safe as possible."

Olivia shook her head in complete impatient disgust. She could tell this was Erica's first day, and that she was barely out of college. Holding in her anger, she forced a smile and continued. "Erica, I know that. But keeping me from living my life is not going to catch your perp. Plus I know my rights and I can refuse the back up."

"Yes, Detective, I'm aware of that, but I also don't want you to be the first victim on my watch."

"Sweetheart, I've been fighting scum like this since you were in diapers. I can handle myself."

Erica was obviously flustered, but continued to pretend she was just as wise if not wiser than the people in front of her. "Detective, it's not about your age it's about getting the job done."

Elliot flinched and stood up to hold back Olivia's temper, but she pushed his hand away.

"Listen to me, Erica. I've had conversations with this man. I know what he looks like and if he is after me I can help you bait him. I can help you. I'm not a geriatrics yet. Use me to catch him, but don't waste your manpower on me. Trust me, my experience is far more accurate than the piece of paper stating that you have a masters degree. You can take my word for it or you can do this the hard way."

"Alright, that will do, Olivia," Cragen stepped in.

Erica was speechless. She began to stutter and Olivia fluffed her newbie protocols to the side. "I'm not trying to be a hard ass. I'm just trying to help. I've been through this before."

Cragen took command of the room to take the tension off of Erica and gave orders to his unit. They all went about interviewing and canvassing the building for any information on the woodsman when Don took Erica to the side.

"Listen, I know you're trying to keep your job by going over technicalities and making sure the information is correct, but my detectives are the best in the city. They have the instincts you need, especially Olivia. I think it would benefit you to use her on the case. The other perk would be that while under your supervision she would be 'on watch'. "

"I…I think that would be unnecessary," Erica blurted out as she gathered her things.

"Ms. Christianson, she's not difficult to work with, she's just stubborn. Give her a chance."

Erica glanced over at Olivia who was going through the woodsman's case files. She took in a deep breath and glanced at Don. "Okay, I'll use her. Have her meet my crew at the federal office. 10th floor. I have some things to go over before we head out to the cabin."

"Great," Cragen smiled. "You won't regret it."

Don watched Erica leave and turned to face Elliot and Olivia. They had their backs to him and Olivia was talking. Her lips were inches from Elliot's face and Don noticed that the affectionate way Elliot's thumb circled underneath the back of Olivia's shirt.

"Elliot," Don barked.

Elliot pulled away from Olivia as though he were being scolded by his father. "Yes, Captian, Sir."

"Get started on the holiday leftovers with Munch. We're behind."

"Right, I'm on it. What about, Liv?"

"She's going to be working with Erica Christianson. I recommend you get a glass of water for that late night hang over, and," he cleared his throat in a pause. "Elliot, if I see your hand under her shirt like that ever again, I will fire you. Both of you."

Olivia's jaw dropped in embarrassment and Elliot nodded quickly away before her eyes could make it to his pink hue.

Olivia back peddled for the both of them. "Captian, it's not what you think it is. I apologize for anything-"

"Don't ask don't tell. Keep it out of my office and out of your work."

"Yes, sir."

**SCENE**

The day was endless. Elliot watched the separated and arguing couple leave one by one as he and Munch sighed into the desk chairs.

"It's days like this I'm glad I'm not a divorce attorney," Munch said as he popped a bit of cookie into his mouth.

"Its days like this I'm glad my divorce is over."

"Really," Munch said.

Elliot just nodded and starred at his paperweights.

"Well, welcome to the club. It's not as bad as it looks and just as bad as it sounds."

"I'm not worried. Best thing I ever did," he smiled as he gazed towards Olivia's empty chair.

"That's good-"

"Filth! Filth!," Screamed a woman from the hallway. "City on fire! This old judge is a liar LIAR," Yelled the voice.

Elliot closed his eyes and shot up from his desk. There in the hallway stood a very dirty homeless woman. She was shaking and rocking back and forth. "Miss, are you okay?"

"He hit her! He hit her! I sneaked to the old window and he was peaking just as me. That City on fire! Filth FILTH!," she cried.

"Ma'm I can't understand you. Here have a seat. Slow down and tell me what happened. Are you hurt?"

The woman followed Elliot to a chair near his desk all the while spitting and rambling. "Mischief! Mischief! Judge Turpin. I saw him! I saw him!"

"You saw what?"

"He touched her. He touched the pretty little thing. Johanna. Johanna. Mischief! Mischief!"

Elliot's brain was pounding. "He touched a Johanna. How did you see this?"

"Up- up in the air. The window where is there I watch."

"You saw them through a window. Were you spying on these people?"

"Guarding. Guarding. City on FIRE!"

"And what did he do to her?"

"He touched her boat with his sailor, mate." The lunatic of a woman began to hiss with laughter. Elliot wiped the spittle off of his face and looked at his clock. "And you say this was Judge Turpin's house?"

"Yes! Yes! Mischief!"

Munch swallowed his dinner and spoke towards Elliot's back. "She's talking about Judge Turpin's daughter."

"Yes, I know," Elliot mumbled. "Alright m'am. M'am?"

The woman was now headed straight for Munch. She took a big bite of his sandwich and chewed it up. The bits and pieces of it fell everywhere.

Munch handed her the rest of it. "You can just have the whole thing, my dear."

Elliot's wristwatch alarm went off. "It's six. I gotta get going."

"The kids," Munch asked.

"Yeah, listen, I'm sure she's off her rocker. I'll stop by Turpin's on the way to my mother's to make sure everything is okay. Can you-"

"I'll call the shelter," He said with a put of air. "You owe me a sandwich Stabler."

"Actually she does," He said as he grabbed his coat.

**SCENE**

Two hours later Elliot and Olivia sat on her couch exhausted from the day. Neither one of them had spoken a word about their cases, but they knew what it had involved.

"So the kids are gonna stay with your mother," Olivia said with glazed eyes.

"Yeah. Just until Christmas break is over. It will give me time to figure out what to do…with the house and everything."

Elliot turned his head and looked into Olivia's eyes. "Can I kiss you?"

She smiled, a bit taken aback by the comment, but in awkward silence their heads came together and she closed her eyes. He sucked in what little energy she had through the simple touch of lips and nose nuzzles. The feeling was just what she had needed. Never having trusted a man enough to tell him what she thought of his worth was one thing, but to be there next to a man who already knew what she thought of him and accepted it was quite another.

"I feel you," She began through his kiss. "I feel you...all day. All day I had to witness the afterbirth of hell." He stopped and held her face close to his longing gaze. "All day I had to follow the footsteps of the devil himself. His face vivid in my mind. It's not like it was the first time and probably not the last. yet, out of all my days of fighting demons I never realized how wonderful it would be to have those images stop like they do when I'm here like this. If you would have told me the day could be kissed away I would have never believed you."

"I would have never told you that before now," Elliot whispered.

She closed her eyes and relaxed like she'd nuzzled before. "Why's that?"

"Because your kiss is the only tonic that has ever known those images…the only kiss that has ever stopped or held those images at bay. It's a comfort I've never had before."

Those words gave Olivia the push she needed to kiss him back for the first time. She took in his nightmares with each intake of his lips to hers. The patterns of rubbing and sucking, the details of his touch, grew from a light naive brush to a force that Olivia had forgotten she'd had. "Mmm, Elliot Stabler, you're gonna make me weak. Am I going to grow sheltered in the confines of these walls?"

"If that's your only fear than, yes, I hope so."

"And what is your fear?"

He stopped and thought about it as he traced her face with his thumb. "That you'll this is only temporary?"

"Never. You're never temporary. You're my unconditional." In the throws of the moment Elliot allowed her to call the shots. A tear rolled down her face as she thought of the role she'd made him in her mind. The place he'd taken over her heart whether he'd known it or not.

"Can I touch you, Olivia?"

She sat over him. Straddling him. Her silence was all he needed. His fingers ran slowly under her top and she followed his hands while disrobing herself of the only thing keeping her from becoming Ms. Benson. The detective by day, shed her outerwear and he watched her enjoy the touch of his hands feeling every inch of her skin. His thumb teased the under wire, then ran its' way over her covered nipple and across the half moon of her breast.

She watched him watching her shape. His eye contact was so new that she couldn't hold it. A nervous gaze fell across her face and she sighed to make it go away.

"Relax. Close your eyes," he whispered again. This time he sat up. She could feel him growing under her well-dressed clit.

He closed her eyes and took her hands. She reached for her bra. The clasp undid and together they pulled off the last worldly layer that Olivia Benson held over her heart. Her eyes remained closed as he placed her hands on his cheeks and demanded that they follow his lips around the many throbbing areas of her body.

From the neck to the collarbone and further still to the tip of her taut nipples. She let out a soft moan as he forced her fingers to slip in and out of the area around her breast and his tongue.

Before she could object Elliot was unbuttoning her black slacks. He stopped to make sure she was still with him. Her tired features waited for him to continue. Through the panties he teased her. First a finger, then his tongue. Her silence was a surprise to him. So much so that he had to hold back his want to call her out on it. It was the shiest he'd ever seen her. When her hips started to rock he knew she was just rusty or scared. "That's it. Let me kiss you, Liv. Follow me. I'm your light."

She let out a louder moan as he got faster and before she could cum she ripped herself away from him. "I want to feel you. All of you," She said with swollen lips.

Hurriedly she ripped off his pants as he pulled the shirt from his chest. "Okay." Was all he could say as she pushed him onto the couch and rubbed the top of his member around her area.

He pushed his hips up a little and the tip went inside.

"oooh," she let the enjoyment of it slip. Her insides were already pulsating with orgasm.

In he went and all thoughts of unfamiliar territory left the room. Olivia's mind was clear. Her thoughts of worry and saving the world were gone. Her panic for acceptance and love diminished.

The thrusting and grunting they both made as she came and he pulled out. She wrapped her mouth around him and filled herself with his gift of life.

Silence. It was something the other women he'd been with could never understand. The demons had been released. The silence was a gift. The dark was light. They lay on the couch weak and fulfilled, holding in the warmth of their sex. How could there be anything more at peace than the end of frustration. The two of them had been through the same hell and back, but there was no place like this place that they created to escape the horrific movies in their mind.

**AN: Yeah, EO sex! I - ah- love- EO sex! Did you hear that Dick WOlf! People like EO sex!!!!!! Drop me your thoughts people! ** Did you catch any referencese? Besides the woodsman case. That's not really the fun one.


	14. No Offense

**AN: Wow- so sorry that this has taken me forever to update. I had a writer block and a mountain of work to do, but I'm back babies! On a sad note, I will say that this was not an easy chapter to write. Last week, a colleague and friend of mine, who BTW- was one of the best circus performers I've ever met, I know that sounds unusual, but I know a lot of unusual people. This friend of mine, Otavio, was a very kind hearted, funny person. An amazing clown. His dad invited this clown act called the unhinged ladder. Funny funny stuff. Anyway, he was famous for that clown act. Sadly he committed suicide last week, and because this chapter has a bit of suicidal matter in it, I had a really hard time writing it. I hope it doesn't suck, but I just couldn't focus. Anyway, this is for all of those people who couldn't deal with their hurt and for the rest of us left to feel selfishly responsible for it. ****  
**

**No Offense  
**

**One Week after the last chapter.**

Munch sat at his desk reading the paper aloud as the unit bustled into their morning schedules. "'I'm Christian, I was sworn in on the bible, and I pledge allegiance to the flag.' That's supposed to make me want to elect him as our president?"

"You got a problem with the flag," Elliot answered on the square.

"I didn't realize that the definition of religious freedom was, Christianity."

"Did somebody say Primary Election? Cause, damn, I forgot to put in my vacation time," Fin said throwing Munch a look.

Munch took his glare as a cue to continue and he lifted the black glasses on the bridge of his nose.

"It flabbergasts me that this country is becoming everything that the founders were running from; high taxes and religious segregation."

"Tell us how you really feel," Chester smiled.

"Come on, besides JFK, who was Catholic, still Christian, every president has been of protestant practices."

"This is true," Elliot berated. "but I didn't vote for JFK so it doesn't count."

"You couldn't vote for JFK, otherwise you would have."

"I would vote for a non-Christian candidate if there were any and if they were for the issues I agree with."

"Why do we even need to know their religious background? What happened to the real issues?" Chester added with his head only slightly in the conversation and the rest of his body working endlessly on a stack of files.

Munch harrumphed at his desk. "Real issues? We're the land of the free, yet Barrak Obama isn't allowed to be Muslim and the leader of the United States of America."

"Who says he isn't allowed to be Muslim," Fin piped.

Munch flipped the newspaper into a square mess and threw it into the trashcan. "Apparently the Internet, which is another thing, since when did the Internet become the source for question making during primary debates? I can't even imagine what they'll ask in the Presidential debates."

Casey clopped into the office and handed Lake a file pertaining to a new case. "I personally, want Hilary to win just so that they can ask her how many dicks she has hidden under that stiff skirt of hers."

Munch sighed. "Does anybody do their job anymore?"

"Speaking of jobs." Cragen entered from his office and interrupted the conversation. "Nice work in Montreal you guys. Liv, is going to be out for a few days, so I want Fin and Lake to take a case that just came in. Elliot and Munch, we got another visit from that crazy woman accusing Judge Turpin of molestation."

"Yeah, I checked up on that at week ago. It's bogus. The woman is nuts," Elliot replied. "Why's Liv out?"

"Procedure. She needed a few days," Cragen replied as he walked past them towards his office.

"I just talked to her, she didn't tell me you-"

"Elliot, it's personal. If she wants to talk about it she will. Until then she's not working until I get the 'okay' from Huang."

Elliot and Munch looked at each other with concern and let the issue go. Cragen moved onto details about their mystery homeless woman and they headed out to get more information from her. The whole day Olivia was on Elliot's mind. He'd talked to her several times on the phone over the past couple of days but she hadn't mentioned anything. He hoped he wasn't the cause for her probation.

**SCENE**

"Dickie, I was watching that," Elizabeth yelled. She grabbed the remote control from Dickie's hand and punched him in the arm.

"Ow, damn-it, Bethie. I don't want to watch that stupid show."

"It's not stupid."

"Oh, I'm sorry, GAY! I don't want to watch that GAY show! God I can't wait for this strike to be over."

The twins sat on Olivia's couch fighting and pushing at each other, while Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Make-Over blubbered at a nauseating level of hopeful revelations on the television. It was one of those shows that Elizabeth loved to cry with. The pair of teens were sent to help Olivia with dinner after school, but once they'd finished their homework, peeled potatoes, and caused one too many elbow bumps in Olivia's very small kitchen, she sent them towards the living room to stay out of the way. As she cooked and listened a hot tear rolled down her cheek and her mind wondered through the last couple of earth shaking days.

_She hadn't seen Elliot in almost a week. His absence had given her way too much time to think. In a matter of five days she'd gone through more mental anguish then she cared to admit, which is probably why her tears fell so easily as of lately. She was convinced that she'd been bottling them up for so long that they were getting back at her for neglect and faulty happiness. _

_While Elliot was gone, their unit, plus a few feds caught the woodsmen. But not in a way that any of them were ready for. Santa suits and serial killers were the least of her nightmares, now. Watching, Erica Christianson, a fellow sister in blue, eat the end of her gun was something Olivia had never wanted to face. Mostly because she herself had thought of it more times than she could count. Between the media and water cooler here say, there was always a great fear that suicide and anger management would plague the minds of a police officer. Her mind was no different. Lord knows she'd witnessed many a monster from her fellow peers, but she'd always been able to control hers. At least, she did her best to make people believe that she could. Which is exactly why Cragen had forced her to take a vacation when he saw the state of her breakdown after the incident. It was obvious that instead of confronting her monster she'd just pushed it to the side and it was getting harder and harder to ignore. _

_All of this 'vacation time' had opened a closet full of fears. She was sure that this emotional state was caused by the change in her life. She'd been so ready to love Elliot, but the chaos made its' honesty uncertain. She had everything and nothing to lose. And controlling the situation seemed to make things worse. On top of the gruesome images in her mind she was plagued by endless migraine headaches. The world seemed to be caving in on her from all angles. Even her body was rejecting her happiness._

_She chose her free time to do nothing but think and cry. Had Elliot known he would have given her that wrinkled brow of disappointment. _

"_You should have talked to me."_

_There was no use calling him to cry over the phone. That was something she'd never do. That and once a person has spent forty years of her life getting over things on her own, it was hard to lean on anything even if that 'anything' or one were a solid source of human, life support. She needed to take a moment and breathe from it all. Besides, relationships based on intense situations never lasted…. according to Casey and that movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, anyway. She needed to know that this spell of dallying-with-a-co-worker wasn't just a fluke, which would only take time. Until then, life would have to remain an out of control bus with a time bomb attached to it. She could only hope that if the bomb did go off that she wasn't the one pulling its' trigger._

_After Erica's funeral, her mentor's wife held a wake in her honor. Olivia attended to help bring closure to her nightmares. A handful of people that knew Erica, gathered in the living room of the old woman's home. Olivia kept to herself. She sat in the corner listening to each story._

"_Erica, was a very personal woman. Hard to crack. She didn't really do anything but her job. But she was a hard worker. She'd give you the shirt off of her back. Always smiling even though she held a sadness that I can't describe. I wish I would have called her more."_

"_There was one time in the locker room. A moment, where she and I were getting in uniform and fixing our belts. We were bitching about how our jobs were so worthless sometimes. How we could work our asses off and in the end our efforts remained meaningless. We complained the whole morning, you know, feeding off of each other's mood. But when the time came to do the job, BAM- we were on. She was on. I was on. It was like a bell sounded and the race began. Ambitious. It was like none of the negative mattered. As soon as the case started she was there one hundred percent. I remember thinking that day; right as we were leaving the locker room, how much she made me feel better about what I was doing. You know, like I wasn't the only one having doubts. It was nice to know that the doubts were normal…well, I mean, if others were having them they must be normal, right? But I guess…I went home feeling better about myself, and …she didn't."_

_Olivia felt too responsible to say anything. She should have known that gun was there. She sat quietly in the corner sipping on a glass of wine and thinking about the actions that happened the day before. The life that fell from Erica's face and the way she reminded Olivia so much of herself. _

"_You and Tillman get a little too close? Was he more than a mentor? Like a father? Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays?"_

_She'd taken things too close to home. Having a few things in common with Erica did make them the same person or that's what she kept trying to convince herself of. There were so many things that made Erica Olivia's personal demon. Olivia too, had fallen in love with a teacher before. She was just about Erica's age when it happened. She assumed that Erica had done it for the same reasons… to try and fill that void. She also knew, how strongly the pain could be to fill that void and how a person could do anything to keep the hole filled. These thoughts made Olivia think of the one man she'd ever openly fell in love with. A man that used her when she was too young to know any better. A man she wished she could forget about. She gave this man everything and he left her for his wife. A wife that he'd kept a secret from her. Sometimes she would think of him and feel embarrassed that she allowed herself to fall for that trick. And sometimes thinking of Elliot as a lover reminded her of the same feeling this man had given her and it scared the hell out of her to know she could be making the same mistake all over again. _

_Everyone in the room had a turn at speaking their peace for Erica, and she could feel them glancing at her in their silence. The words wouldn't come. There in a room full of strangers Olivia wept. Several people consoled her and she allowed it. What was happening to her? She couldn't fathom why she was allowing herself to be held by a group of people she didn't even know. It was unlike her, but her body seemed to be crying out for help. All these years she'd spent alone and in a matter of days she was given everything she'd ever wanted; family, love, Elliot. Erica was like a wake up call. When she listened to Erica's sorrow it reminded her of her own reality. It brought up that fear that all of this chaotic bliss could end just as quickly as it began. She didn't want to end up like Erica. She didn't want to get attached just to be disappointed. Nor did she want to push people away anymore. These were the thoughts that stained her mind. It helped to hear Elliot's voice when he called, but when the phone conversation stopped and she was left in to sit in her silence she questioned the truth and façade over and over again._

So there she stood making dinner for his family, watching his children fight on her couch, and pretending that she was supposed to be a part of it all. She was eager to feel him next to her again. She needed to be reminded that she hadn't been living in a dream. At least by wanting to know that Elliot was for real, was a step up. She hoped that she wasn't becoming the second rate Kathy and prayed that things would straighten themselves out.

As she reached for the milk her fears teased her again. Her silent lies to Elliot played like a broken record.

"_Hey sweetheart, I'm running late, so I'll just meet you at the office okay?"_

_She smiled. He called her sweetheart. "Okay."_

_That was all she could say. She didn't have the heart to tell him she wouldn't be in today. That and she didn't want to explain the whole thing over a seven am phone conversation._

_He grumbled about the usual work related pressure then sighed into her ear. "I missed you."_

" _I did too."_

_It was still odd being that vulnerable around him. Before the conversation ended his last words were to plan a night of lazy family time. The pangs in her heart tightened. He had included her into family time without a second thought. Family outside of work. She could get used to that, but would it last? Them needing her that is. Family. It frightened her and brightened her at the same time. Especially since she'd been thrown into Kathy's position without anybody's consent including her own. Life was moving so quickly. It was like she'd waited her whole life for family and children to happen and it was happening all at once and with the worst timing. _

_He called her again, while she was at the grocery store. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't coming to work?"_

"_I…can we talk about it later?"_

"_Yeah. Hey, Liv, I love you."_

_There, in the middle of produce and bagged nuts, Olivia held back tears and quietly returned his endearment. "I love you too."_

_The words didn't feel right yet. They were still stiff, like a new pair of shoes. She could have sworn several people were now staring at her for saying them. _

_The woman in front of her smiled and that was it; she had to get out of there. "I'll talk to later. Six o'clock, right?"_

"_See you then."_

The timer went off behind her and she jumped from her thoughts. Dinner was finished and Elliot was due to be here any minute now. With a heavy contemplative stare she watched the back of Dickie and Elizabeth's heads. She had to admit that even though they weren't her children, the sound of a hand-me-down family enjoying her living space---

Dickie "Oh God! This is so gay!"

---even if the sounds were of endless sibling rivalry---

"And you're so repugnant," Elizabeth hissed back.

---felt right.

Dickie "Owww big words!"

Ty Pennington's, Mary Sunshine attitude beamed in the background. "I'm gonna take what I love and what this family loves and mesh them together for one big warm house of love."

Olivia continued to feel the love in her own daydream as Dickie fell to the ground wiggling and gesticulating. "Oh ah eh my penis…eh..I just grew a vagina."

"Dickie, I'm telling Dad if you don't stop!"

"A vagina Bethie! My man parts just crawled up inside of me and formed a vag! I'm gonna vomit. EH Ah eh!"

Elizabeth yelled while turning the volume up. "Olivia, make him stop. He's being disgusting."

The sudden racket woke her from the static of her thoughts. "Oh. both of you, stop. You're father will be home in fifteen minutes, so…we should set the table."

Dickie threw a throw pillow at Elizabeth's head and walked into the kitchen. "You really are new at this aren't you?"

"Wha- what do you mean by that?"

Dickie grabbed a slice of carrot from the cutting board Olivia was chopping on and shrugged with a blunt air. "Dad hasn't made it to dinner on time since the early 90's. Plus, Kathleen isn't here yet. She was supposed to call when she picked EJ up from Grandma's."

"Well, I'm sure he and she will call if they're running late."

"Don't count on it. They never called Mom, so I highly doubt they're gonna call you," he replied with disdain.

Olivia placed the knife down and wiped her hands on a nearby dishtowel. "Right. Dickie you got a problem cause I'm really not into mind reading tonight?"

He stopped and tried to pretend he didn't just treat her like an asshole. "Hm?"

"You need to talk?"

"No," he said shortly and with an awkward buzz.

"No," she imitated. She sighed and pushed the cutting board to the side, grabbed two Dr. Pepper's from the refrigerator, and tossed a can towards Dickie's direction. "Here, wise guy, have some caffeine."

He just barely caught the soda then watched her coolly hop onto the kitchen counter top. Her legs hung over the side and she patted the spot next to her.

"You sure _you_ don't need to talk?" He asked as he noticed her red eyes and sullen disposition.

"Me? Naw, I go to therapy for that. You on the hand, have had two detentions and a bad attitude all week. You gonna pull up some counter and talk to me or do I have to wallow in this mess on my own?"

A red hue came over Dickie's cheeks and he hopped onto the other end of the counter. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Being a jerk."

Olivia took a sip of her soda. "No need to apologize. I'm a little over whelmed too. You miss your mom."

"I guess."

"Well, I miss your mom. How about that?"

"Already sick of dad?"

Olivia laughed a bit. "No, I just hate seeing you guys like this. That and I feel like I've been put in a bad position. I want you to know that I didn't ask for this. I mean, I love you guys, and I would do anything for you. Anything. But I would never want to take the place of your mother."

"I know. We all know. I guess…I just thought she'd be back by now."

"Yeah."

There was a slight seven-second pause and they both took a sip of Dr. Pepper.

As the can hit the counter next to Dickie, he looked up at Olivia and leaned next to her. "So how are you doing?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, we haven't seen you in days. Shouldn't you be at work?"

"My boss forced me to take a few days off."

"Why's that?"

Olivia tried to hide the sadness welling up inside of her. "Bad case. I got to close to the victim."

"Oh, one of those. You didn't catch the perp?"

"No we got the perp."

Dickie looked at her and lifted his brow waiting for her to continue. "And?"

She let out a mixture of laughter and frustration. "And, you're good, Dick Tracy. I see you've been taking interrogation lessons from your father."

"Fourteen years worth. So if you caught the perp why are you upset?"

"I not upset, I'm if it's any consolation, I'm glad you're around. And I don't think you're trying to take mom's place."

"Thanks."

She smiled warmly. It was nice to have support.

The doorknob jiggled just as they finished their last drops of soda sweetness.

"Hey, hey!"

Elliot and Kathleen walked through the door not a minute after six o'clock. Elliot held EJ in a baby carrier with one hand and hid his other behind his back.

"Told you they'd call," Olivia smirked in Dickie's direction.

"You're good," he replied in amazement.

Elliot placed EJ on the edge of the kitchen counter and pushed Dickie out of the way.

Olivia immediately attached herself to EJ with tickles and cooing.

"Big guy, look at you. You're like a bundle of winter puffy pants!"

Elliot nodded for Dickie to give him and Liv a minute and suddenly they were alone. Well, as alone as one could be in a room that served as the Kitchen, Living, and Dining room.

Elliot placed his hand on her hip and kissed the lobe of her ear. "I missed you."

"You've said that," she whispered back. Just as she started unzipping EJ's snowsuit Elliot placed the flowers in her hand.

"Elliot…"

"I meant it."

Purple lily's filled her nose with a sweet smell. "You shouldn't have."

"I heard you've had a bad week."

Her eyes flickered with uneasiness. "You did. Well I don't know who told you that, but I sure do like these lilies."

"You okay?"

"It's getting better. I just needed a day. How did you know I like Lilies?"

"Oh, I don't know, I've only known you for 9 odd years."

"Odd years? Is that like the nice way of telling me I'm not normal?"

Elliot shook his head haughtily. "You know, I bring you flowers after you keep secrets- AFTER you promised you wouldn't keep secrets, and you're gonna pick at my choice of odd words?"

She smiled at his banter. "Ah, I believe I just did. And who said I was keeping secrets?"

"You did."

"I did? No, I just didn't want to talk about …that…over the phone."

Elliot pulled her close to him. "Talk about what?"

"El, stop," she said pulling away. "It's…I'm fine…I just don't want to talk about it like this."

"Like what? What happened? Liv, you can tell me."

Olivia glanced at his kids, who were pretending not to listen on the couch.

"I will tell you, but not right now."

While Olivia ignored the conversation by filling a vase, Elliot pushed the issue. "They aren't listening. Liv, I've been worried sick about you all day. This is not like you. It's not something I did right?"

"What? No. It's not something I want to talk about over your three month old son and a vase of lilies. Can you just drop it?"

Elliot watched her nervously cut the ends of the stems before placing them into the water. "Okay. Dropped."

They paused in the silence. She knew that even though he dropped the subject it was still going to remain in the air.

"Can I help you with dinner? It smells great," Elliot said through a bit of mashed potato that he nicked from the bowl.

"Yeah," She sighed whipping her hair away from her eyes. "The table needs to be set."

"Kathleen, Beth, Dickie." Elliot called towards them and the table began to come together.

Olivia's table looked unusually small with five people crowded around it. Elliot held EJ in his arms and asked his kids the average snoopy Dad questions, while piling food into his mouth. They each took their turns talking about school and friends.

"Dad, I need a flapper dress for the school play," Elizabeth began. "Mom was supposed to sew it for me but…"

"We'll get one for you. Kathleen, you sew, can't you help your-"

"No!"

Kathleen had become a disgruntled teenager with little to say. She gave her dad the look of death before sulking over her dinner plate.

"Okay, fine." Elliot leaned over and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. His arm hit Olivia as he pulled at his pants. "Beth, here's twenty bucks. Go get yourself something at the costume store."

"It's gonna be more than twenty."

"Beth, I'll make it."

Everybody stopped and looked up at Olivia.

"You sew," Elliot asked in surprise.

"I used to, yes."

The four sets of eyes quickly looked away when they realized the stare was too long. Olivia was a little offended by their judgmental glares. Her head beat like a slow drum.

"Dickie got detention again," Elizabeth finally added breaking all tension away from Olivia.

"Bethie," Dickie yelled slapping her on the arm.

"Ouch! Asshole!"

"Twit!"

"Both of you stop it," Elliot growled. "And watch the lanuage."

Again the headache grew with each bit of family feud.

"Dickie what did you do now?"

"Nothing, it was Dave Balisters fault. He told Mrs. Connelly that I was Texting in class."

"And were you?"

"No."

Elliot gave him the eye.

"All right I was on my phone, but I was looking up movie times. There's this kick ass horror flick. It's supposed to be about this guy who's an assassin who seeks revenge on Congress for sending his son off to war. There's suppose to be gore and guts every five seconds. It's like this guy likes to watch people's brains blow out of their heads. It's the most gruesome flick of the year. Like you're supposed to want to commit suicide after you're done watching it. It's like 1984 meets Freddie Kruger."

Olivia dropped her fork and walked away from the table holding back the sickness in her stomach.

"Liv," Elliot said as the bathroom door slammed.

"Did I say something?"

"Dickie, I swear to god, I'm gonna send you to military school if you don't grow some tact."

"What," he said giving his sisters a questioned look. "What'd I say?"

Elliot placed EJ in his baby seat and followed her. He knocked on the bathroom door "Liv, you okay?"

He could here her vomiting and he walked inside. "I'm sorry about Dickie. Olivia, my god!"

She sat clenched in a ball, her eyes closed, and her hands holding the side of her head. "I need to go to the hospital."

"What's going on?"

"I'm not sure. My head…it's really bad."

Elliot handed her a piece of toilet paper and rubbed her back. "I thought you said those migraines were gone?"

"They were…I don't know why…it just came on in the middle of dinner."

"Okay, let's go."

AN: BTW- I hate Ty Pennington. No offense. LOL!


	15. Paper Faces

**Paper Faces**

Elliot sat next to Olivia in the hospital. They'd been taken to a corner of the ER where Olivia was told to sit on a high table in a paper robe. Their corner wasn't quite a room but it was sectioned off from other patients. After the nurse left them, they waited for the doctor. Phil Collins muzak played from the hospital radio and Olivia scrunched her eyes trying to make the bounding of her brain to turn off.

Elliot played with the plastic ear, nose, and throat chart and laughed.

"What's so funny," Olivia mumbled.

"Ah, nothing, this song. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of middle school and the roller skating rink."

Olivia, who had lay back onto the table, rolled her head to the side and gave him a scrunched expression.

He continued. "My mother forced my sisters to take me to the roller rink with them when they were in high school. It was her way of spying on them when she wasn't around. But I think I got more action then they ever did. I remember I met this girl there. My first kiss. We held hands for weeks and then one day we'd rounded the curve of the rink three times and she pulled me to the corner. We kissed to this song. My first kiss. " He chortled a bit and noticed Olivia was giving him a strange painful glare. "I must not have been good at it though, because that was the last time I saw her."

Olivia forced a parcial smile and placed her hands back over her eyes.

Elliot began tapping his foot to the predictable syncopation and sang along with the bad electronic muszak. "Take a look at me nooooow. There's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me. Just the memory of your face. OH TAKE A LOOK AT ME-"

"ELLIOT!"

He snapped out of it and placed the innerds of plastic sinus cavities back onto the doctor's counter. "Sorry. How you doing?"

She lifted herself from the table and sighed before jumping from her spot.

"Crappy. I hate this," she said as she paced the floor.

Elliot quietly watched her from the chair. "I know. Hell, I'm surprised it was you're idea to come in the first place. Usually I have to wait until you're unconscious."

She gave him a short evil glare. "That's not funny."

"Sorry. Why don't you sit? You're making me nervous."

"I can't sit on that table. I hate the smell in here. I hate waiting. I hate that I have to wear this robe just so they can check my head. Really, what is the point of this robe?"

"Well, I like it," Elliot replied, trying an attempt at lighted hearted flirtation.

The fire erupting from her already feverish face gave him the impression that she wasn't amused.

"I'll shut up."

In one swift motion Olivia crossed her arms over the semi see-through gown and turned away to continue pacing. Elliot grabbed her arm. "Liv, calm down. Its just procedure."

"Procedure. What would you know about procedure? I'm so tired of that word!"

She leaned on the side of the table, arms still tightly crossed. The tip of her finger went straight to her lips where she toyed with the hangnail she'd created in the waiting room.

"Procedure. It's just another way to push the problem to the side until time has caused the rest of the world to forget about it. And then what do you do after it's been found again?!"

Elliot, who was doing his best to ignore her mood, concentrated on the diabetes poster in front of him, as he listened to her go on in irritation. Slowly he turned his focus to her anxiety trying to figure out why she was spazing out. "Liv, take a six count breath and sit…."

"I can't!"

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

Her eyes flicked toward the hallway and she poked her head around the corner. "Because that doctor is going to come in here and I already know what he's going to say. So waiting here, is…pointless!"

His eyes were creating that skull-boring glare. Like he knew what she was thinking and he was disappoint that she couldn't' talk about it. She couldn't stand that glare in moments like this. "What?"

"What, What? I'm waiting."

"Welcome to my world."

"It must be hard."

Olivia shifted her eyes back at him in an angered rage. "If you're going to push my buttons, then just leave. You're making this worse."

"I'm merely waiting."

Again Olivia paced. Her foot landing with the rhythm of electronic beats and jazz horns.

"It must be really hard to keep that all bottled up inside," Elliot mused, waiting for her to cave. "Worse then just letting it all out in true colors."

Elliot loved to watch Olivia swim in the secrets she thought she hid so well. She was like a little girl trying to avoid the obvious. Every stubborn twitch was like an open book into her mind. She restlessly ignored his patience, but he leaned in and touched her hand. Slowly the wet nail, she'd been biting on limped into his palm and her eyes met with his.

"Liv, Lake told me what happened. It's okay to be upset about it."

"That's not why I'm upset," she whispered.

"Sweetheart you're not the only cop who's had feelings of doubt and suicide. Hell, why do you think I went back to Kathy that first time? I had to keep my gun at work for two weeks. I was afraid to take it home."

"Elliot, really, that has nothing to do with, _this_. And you never told me that."

His eyes flickered away from hers. He'd never told anyone he'd had those feelings before. "I know, but I should have. Would have made my life easier. It's not something I wanted to admit. Look at you, you've made yourself sick over it and you still won't talk to me."

Now it was her turn to look away. "Maybe."

"So?"

She looked at him. He was calm, understanding, pleasant even. It was the right time to say it. "So that's not what I need to talk about."

"Well, what then?"

Her lengthy pause was all he needed to know that she was holding onto more than a case.

"Liv, tell me."

"I...oh god, Elliot," she sighed heavily. The cage of her ribs collapsed into a hunch and the pacing triple stepped to a halt. "Elliot, I have a tumor."

Her thoughts slurred out of her mouth in a muffled fit of sounds as she wiped her eyes and turned her face away from his. He definitely wasn't ready for that kind of response. Standing up, he stood in silent shock and she continued. "My CT Scan after the accident showed that I…something's there."

The wrinkle between Elliot's eyes formed as he listened to her speak. She could feel him tighten in his shoes.

"They are pretty sure is benign…non-cancerous, but I've been avoiding it…the tests that is. I was supposed to go in for more tests after I recovered. I was supposed to schedule a surgery, but I couldn't. Everything happened all at once and I wanted to tell you, but I didn't. The doctors said it was probably not a big deal. That it would be a simple prodcee- surgery and I'd be as good as new…if it is indeed…benign."

She watched his eyes roll into an unfocused haze.

"Elliot?"

As if he were caught in his own world he mumbled the words from his mouth. "Brain surgery. You'd be having Brain Surgery."

"Yeah…it would a small surgery. Brain surgery. Small Brain…surgery. Not a big deal, though."

And then the focus came back. "Olivia, that's a huge deal!"

"It's not cancerous."

"It doesn't matter. When were you going to tell me this, before or after the doctor comes in here and scoops your brain out?! Were you ever going to tell me this?"

"I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be a burden to anyone and the headaches did stop. And of course, I was going to tell you. I just needed some time to work everything out. It's stress. There's to much stress."

"So..wha- what, I'm too much stress?"

"No," she pleaded. "I can't believe you're acting like this! Everything! Everything is too much! I needed a chance to take it all in."

The pause held them in an arms length silence, and Elliot shuffled his feet as he took it all in.

"Yeah." He ran his hand over the top of his head and shook the thoughts around through stutters and slight pacing. "You…you were going to postpone cancer. I…I.I don't-- Possible cancer! This is a big deal."

She held the side of her head and searched for words that were lost in the abyss that was her now muddled brain. "It's not cancer. And I didn't want to worry you. You had your own trouble with the kids and Kathy…it's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal, which is why I didn't tell you to begin with. Because it's not going to be a big deal!"

"You sound really assured of that! Even if it's not cancerous it can turn cancerous. Did you know that? Did you research this at all or have you ignored it all this time?"

"It's not. And yes, but...I didn't ignore it-"

"My sister died of brain cancer when she was twenty nine. I never told you that, but there it is, and it is a big deal." In a fit of offense and hurt Elliot stood up and started making his own pacing patterns around the small area as Olivia wept through the pain of both her head and her heart.

"Elliot, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay, but you should have told me."

"I know. I should have taken care of it. I should have told you-"

"You're damn right you should have. What if something happened while I was gone? What if it's gotten worse? What if you were on a job and it caused you to lose a life? What if-"

"OH what if , WHAT IF! Elliot, stop it! I can handle this. You act like I haven't been takign care of myself. OH- my whole life. I'm a big girl, Elliot. I can handle a little brain surgery!"

The sounds of the hospital around them had gotten unusually quiet as the fight grew to loud volumes. A nurse and a guy in a wheel chair made their way past the curtains and starred as they rolled by.

"You're being selfish. I could lose you to something like this," Elliot roared in a breathy whisper. "And what about you? You want to do this alone? Would it be so terrible for you to let me help you every once in awhile? It's insulting!"

"Insulting? Let _you_ help me?! I'll let you help me when you stop stepping on my toes all of the time. You need to allow me to fight my own battles. I couldn't refuse your help if I wanted to! You're always there!"

"And when I wasn't look what happened!"

Olivia's eyes grew as wide as the sea and she stepped around him in an unbalanced rage.

"WHAT!? What are you saying? What did Lake tell you? Did he say it was my fault? Because he was there too! "

"No, Liv, I'm just saying, you've seen how many suicides but this is the one that gets to you. Why is that? Did you miss something that you shouldn't have? Did you recently have the thoughts? Or are you ignoring this tumor because you want to die?"

"You asshole! Get out of here!"

He knew he was being hard on her and he couldn't believe how far he'd gone with that statement, but she was always so capable of handling things, and he was tired of watching her lie to herself.

"Liv, I don't mean to hurt you by saying these things."

"Yes, you do"

"No. I'm just upset. And I expected you to include me."

"OH- you're upset! According to you I'm sitting on my deathbed and you have the nerve to blame all of this and the death of a …a suicidal unbalanced FED….on me! Erica wanted to die because of her own problems! Problems that are nothing like MINE! Nobody could have stopped that."

"You're right. Nobody could have stopped it. So why are you still thinking about it?"

She violently wiped the tears away and took a step backwards. Elliot watched her thoughts. He knew if he could get her to say the words, she would see his reasons.

"Look, I'm sorry that I had to bring this up here, but it's not like you to keep secrets. You're avoiding the job, ignoring your health. I'm upset and I have a right to be. This isn't the dry cleaning it's …it's your life. You can't put that to the side. You know, here we are, Olivia. I'm here for you. I want to be your unconditional family. So let me! I'm throwing myself at you, and you're choosing to push me away…during the time when you need me the most. I feel like I'm one of the countless men I've seen you screw and dump. And I refuse to let you treat me like that."

"You make it sound like I was some kind of whore! I did not push every man away. Countless men! The nerve of you! You who've not only done every woman in the tri-state area, but flaunted it like James Bond sans the suit."

"Well, I had to, now didn't I?! Do you think I could have asked you out having only ever slept with one woman!"

Olivia blinked into a speechless jaw dropped stupor. "Wha-I-you. Don't try to play the saint card in the middle of this argument. Your numbers has nothing to do with it, you were married!"

"Ohhh, I- YOU are just…something else."

"And- hello- I have a tumor. I'm not pushing you away! Why are you arguing with me? Can't you see that I'm too miserable to argue! I don't need this right now. And this is really none of your business. It's my body and the importance of it is for me to decide."

Elliot was trying to be her stable, but she just loved to give him a challenge. " If this isn't important, then I don't what is! You're playing with fire! You could die or worse be immobile for the rest of you life. Do you realize that?"

"Stop! I know! I know that! Don't you think I know that!"

"If you know then why are you treating it like a manicure?"

Olivia scrunched her knees into her chest and held the sides of her aching head. "Ahhhh, pleeeeease, I'm not. I just….you're making this so difficult…I was in denial. Can't you just let me be in denial!?"

Her arms fell to her lap and she looked up in sullen defeat. He sat across from her. The small corner of hospital was now beginning to feel enormous. She could feel the tight strands of her insides twisting for him to understand. Softly as she took in his face she knew the only way for this to work was for her to let it all out. He was upset at her for not telling him. That's what it boiled down to and she could fight him or hate him for loving her so much. She continued, if not for him, for them.

"Elliot, I'm sorry. I don't know how to accept help. I don't know how to let you in. Okay! I'm out of my league with you…like this. Out of my role." She stopped and held his eyes, which were somewhere between forgiving and disappointed, then continued to gain momentum for what needed to be said.

"I…know what you want me to say and this is …so stupid. I don't know why I can't say this to you. Of all people to rely on, you should be the first person I fall to, right? You, of all people, owe me. And ah, I just…. You're right. I….need you and I should have told you the second I knew. So I'm telling you now. I need you. I do. I- need- you. I didn't want to be the needy woman, but here I am. I messed up. You can't fault me for wanting this, us, to be different…easy. God, all I wanted was for us to be the simple part of my life. Guess that's not our style."

She waited in the taciturn of the conversation. He was at a stand still. A silence. The pause was indicating an end, but Olivia hadn't owned up to her spotlight dance. Like a true gentleman, he waited for her to finish so that he could take the lead.

"I don't know what else to say….I'm a little rusty…off my footing. Please, say something." He turned his head and continued to torture her with silence. "This whole thing has me freaked out, so you being the grounded half would be a real plus as of pronto. Meaning, I've said it and I mean it. I need you and I'm admitting to it," she pleaded. Still nothing came from his side of the room. He hung his head waiting for his wallflower to bloom. Olivia wrung the base of her fingers together.

"So there," she threw out changing the tone into half assed banter and desperation. "You know that's gotta mean something, right? Because I would never openly admit that I needed a man unless I were in dire straights or helplessly in love with you, which I am, so will you please –look at me…Say something! Elliot, if you don't hold me already I'm gonna cry again and people will start to think we're one of those abusive couples."

Tears hypocritically rolled down her cheeks as she pretended they were making up and not breaking up. "And if people start to think we're one of those Berko couples, I'll have to make you angry by telling you that you weren't good enough, even though you were more than good enough, and I'll die alone right here in this awful paper robe, all because I was too stubborn and proud to admit that I am defected and in desperate need of your help. Then if that happens we'll have to admit that we were only meant to jump the shark, when really we were meant to beat the shark. They'll all say 'I told you so', and they'll snub their noses at our laughable attempt at making our personal lives entwine like a pair of teenagers, who believe in soul mates. I'll have to yell and point, and scream. I'll scream, Elliot. If you don't say something I'll scream at the throb in my head 'I have a tumor! I HAVE A TUMOR!' And the whole hospital will inevitably feel bad for me because of it, when really they should feel bad for you. Because really, I'm the problem! I'm the abnormal growth blocking the function of our oh-so-dysfunctional personal lives! ME! If I hadn't been such a hard ass you might have been able to ask me out years ago. You might have been able to hold your gaze longer than the confines of an interrogation and I might not have gotten jealous of all those other women that you kissed before me and during me and after me and then during me…again. And if I had any sense at all I would be begging you to forgive my senseless behavior, even though, I'm the one with a head splitting tumor and you're the one with easily mend able hurt feelings. So there! Again, I'll say it, SO THERE! I'm Sorry, Elliot! I'M SORRY!"

Olivia was screaming and blubbering through endless drops of tears.

Somewhere in the thick of the monologue Elliot had realized if he stayed silent she would get it all out and life would move on. Her crisis was also his. He stopped her from going any further and lifted her from the chair she'd weakly fumbled into. All of the times he'd thought that Olivia was in control of their relationship, he'd failed to realize that maybe, just maybe, it was the other way around. She'd become so aggressively dependent over the years. All these years he'd held her life at bay without even taking notice. He'd thought she was just being stubborn and insecure, but really she was proving herself to him. Trying to make him see. Her anger was a façade covering the delicate face that sat before him now. Without her mask she was lost or reborn…both. How do you solve a problem like Olivia? There in his arms was the first honest step he'd seen her take in her new form. He held her head to his shoulder and caressed her brown silky hair ever so gently.

Softly he whispered over and over again. "We're okay. We're okay. We're okay."

**AN: Sorry about the lack of AN, but it's late and I'm exhausted. ZZZZZ.. But yeeeehaw I finished this chapter!!!!! I don't know about you all but that was exciting for me! **


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